I was excited to learn that VHI Healthcare are joining forces with Dublin's celebrated Utopia Adult Store of Capel Street to launch a voucher scheme that allows you to 'spank yourself better'.
The Utopia Lifestage Choices Health Vouchers Scheme (working title) enables those who have signed up to the VHI's Forward Plan to exchange vouchers received upon purchase of certain goods in Utopia's Adult Store for increased Level 1 and Level 2 care (covering day-to-day expenses such as GP visits and complementary alternative therapies) as well as contributing toward the cover of a room in most private hospitals (excluding the Beacon Hospital, Blackrock Clinic and Mater Private Hospital). Rather than being redeemable coupons, the vouchers are intended to compliment the monthly Forward Plan charges of €113.13 to €300.00, which is fair enough really when you think about it.
One general practitioner said of the scheme, 'we quite often get red-faced gentlemen callers to the surgery with certain items from Utopia lodged in their persons. It'll be nice for them to know that the cost of these items will go some way toward getting them back out.'
At last, a group of people prepared to use some initiative instead of moaning and playing the blame game. Going forward!
'My time in the Big Brother house was an absolute nightmare,' revealed evicted game show contestant Winston Smith. 'The tasks were the worst part, particularly the last one with the rats, I mean I f***ing hate rats,' he continued.
Winston, 39, also revealed that he resented the rationing of food, 'they didn't give you much and what they did give you was shite'. When asked if he would be meeting up with former housemate and love interest Julia, now that he was out of the house, Winston said that he was unsure, 'maybe we'll go for a drink in a quiet little cafe somewhere'. Winston was surprised to learn that the other housemates complained to Big Brother about his early morning coughing fits and his 'loner' qualities. 'I think O'Brien had it in for me the most, though I have to admit he's playing a good game' said Winston.
When asked to sum up his overall feelings about his time in the Big Brother house, Winston said it was like having 'a boot stamping on your face, ...forever.'
Beautiful and aloof young women, ...elegant, ...composed, ...some distance away, ...you know the type of thing. You see them now and again, floating around, being aloof. Maybe you see the same one on a regular basis. Maybe she's in a different department at work or takes different classes at your place of learning. Beautiful and aloof young women. Who are they? Where are they going? Why are they so mysterious?
Maybe one lives near you, exactly where you'll never know. Chances are you don't know her name either but if you do it's probably something incredible like Genevieve or Annaliese.
Perhaps, at the end of each day, all these beautiful and aloof young women report back to a warehouse where they are covered in protective sheets of tarpaulin and stored overnight. Then, the following morning, they reactivate and set out upon their daily patrol. Beautiful and aloof young women are always alone but if they do have men in their lives they are probably the types of blokes you see in aftershave commercials. Beautiful and aloof young women are never drunk. Beautiful and aloof young women probably enjoy playing tennis. Maybe you saw one in tennis gear once, placing a racquet into her hatchback.
Are they holograms? Does your hand go through them when you reach out to touch their hair as you sit behind them on the bus? How come you never see one on a picket line, or arguing with someone in traffic, or wiping dog crap off her shoe? Beautiful and aloof young women make proper women raise their eyes to heaven and groan. Beautiful and aloof young women, ...do they have anything to say for themselves at all?
Ah yes, ...beautiful and aloof young women, ...so composed, ...so remote, ...so puzzling, ...so ...impenetrable. Hitchcock was a fan. The Girl from Ipanemawas one. Beautiful and aloof young women, ...best viewed through binoculars.
GOD KILLS SELF!!! God has taken his own life it was learnt yesterday when the deity's suicide note was received by the heads of the world's major and minor religions. 'I've made such a mess of everything,' the note is said to read, 'you'd all be better off without me'.
The note is also reported to state that, seeing as there will no longer be a God, there will no longer be any need to die, kill, or amass huge amounts of wealth in his name. God is said to have written that it will no longer be possible to use him as a justification for 'demented behaviour of any sort'. The note then says, 'I am no longer in charge. It's up to you "grown ups" now'.
When asked to comment on the note, the leaders of the world's religions remained silent, although the Pope did wonder aloud why the word grown ups was placed in quotation marks. 'What's that supposed to mean?' asked the pontiff, 'is he taking the piss or what?'
DOGS MAY ONE DAY RULE THE EARTH! Evolutionary biologists have warned that the human race should become more alert to the possible ascendency of dogs to the position of "premier species" on the planet. The U.N. funded Think Tank for Evolutionary Possibilities warned that the more time dogs spend in the company of human beings the more of our tricks they pick up. "Soon dogs won't be just fetching the paper, they'll be writing it," said one think tank member.
It is thought that clever dogs like collies and alsations will probably lead the future canine world while armed forces and law enforcement will comprise of eager pit bulls and impoverished mongrels in search of career opportunities. Poodles will make up the wealthier sections of society (because they look posh) and jack russlle terriers will mainly be employed in trades, such as plumbing etc. It is also thought that the middle classes will consist mainly of labradors and setters and that those annoying little rat-like chiwawa things that keep barking at people (who rarely pay attention to them despite an initial fright) will control the media.
When asked if cats would make a bid to be the top species on the planet a puzzled looking think tank member replied "um, ...they already are, who exactly do you think is calling the shots around here?" He then hurried home to feed someone called Tibbles and make sure the window was left open so she could get in and out of his house with ease.
We used to keep a big cow in our yard called Daphne. I liked that cow a lot and used talk to her until the sun went down. My relationship with my father was difficult. He was ...distant. He'd just kind of stare at you and when you looked back at him he'd turn his eyes away with something you might mistake for disdain.
Anyway, one day I was in the yard talking to Daphne about Star Wars and my father appears at the kitchen window. "Get to bed, you're going to need your energy for your birthday tomorrow" he says, so I hop to it. "Oh boy, my birthday." The next day I get home from school to find my dad making a big old barbecue. The biggest barbecue I ever saw. Everyone was there, my cousins and uncles and aunts, and everyone from the co-op, all wearing huge dirty napkins around their necks and eating up. "Keep eatin' you guys, plenty to go 'round" my father roared as he deposited great racks of meaty rib and greasy hamburger onto everyone's plate. We ate everything. We ate everything right up and then, belly full, I scampered off to talk to Daphne about Tron but she wasn't in her part of the yard. "Where's Daphne papa?" I ask my old man and he looked at me, with something that might've been a sneer, ...but it was hard to tell, it always was hard to tell with him. "That cow?" he says, "oh, ...she got hit by a train."
It was a few years later that I moved to the city and discovered The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand.
Capitalism was invented 17 years ago by Reginald Capitalism. When attending a barter market, Reginald happened upon a gentleman who wanted to exchange two piglets for eleven yarns of Reginald's celebrated wool. Instead of this, Reginald proposed that the gentleman give him several circular pieces of brass (that would be provided to the gentleman by Reginald himself at a fixed rate of interest) in exchange for the wool and that Reginald return the pieces of brass for the piglets. Confused and somewhat put off, the gentleman declined to partake of this new form of exchange. However, Reginald's idea eventually caught on and the value of things have since become increasingly free form and experimental, like a kind of economic Bee Bop improvisation by a particularly demented saxophonist who is tripping off his head on acid and trying to exorcise the monkey on his back.
In some quarters, thanks to capitalism, the value of things and the transactions of those things have become so avant-garde that things that don't exist are being bought and sold with imaginary pieces of brass.
There are said to be whirling dervishes in Wall street, ensuring that faith triumphs over reality. Let's hear it for Capitalism!
"I've said it before, I'll say it again. There is no silver bullet to deal with this crisis. It is best to just ring-fence resources and front-load revenue into fiscally sound endeavours with due diligence. "
...rubs forehead and adopts mildly pained expression...
"Let's not change horses at this juncture. A leap from a centre-right/centre-left party coalition to a another centre-right/centre-left party coalition would be far too radical a step to take at this present moment in current time."
...produces pack of Milky Moos from trouser pocket and pops one into gob...
"It's quite simple, the ship is going down no matter who is captain. Let's just make sure the first class passengers board the lifeboats first, ...going forward."
It's just chat and Tubbs knows that. It's just the expulsion of air, the tongue touching the roof of the mouth. It's frothy. Frothy chat. Oral goose feathers on a work day morning. But he can do the serious stuff. He doesn't like it. It's boring though isn't it? But he can do it.
Tubbs on the recession:
"We're down but we're not out. I've felt the blow myself. Tightened the belt. J'member ham sandwiches do ya? What happened to them at all? And the bus. Do people still get the bus? The bus was gas. It went all the way to the zoo I think. There was a monkey there. It ate Tayto and would throw its shite at you but you can't get Tayto anymore."