Friday, December 30, 2016


People are saying that Edward Snowden is a Russian asset. This is wrong. Edward Snowden actually still works for American intelligence. I swear. And all the surveillance stuff Snowden said that the NSA can do, all the listening on your laptops and devices, all that stuff is a load of shite. The NSA can't do any of that. It just wants us to think it can so we don't act against the U.S.A.'s interests. The NSA doesn't really need to watch us. The NSA just needs us to think that it can watch us, so it got Snowden to tell us that this was the case, which it really isn't.

Snowden is now living in Russia and he's spying on the Russians. The Russians know that he's a spy though. So, when Snowden is around, the Russians talk a load of shite about their supposed deep surveillance of the U.S.A. Snowden then reports this shite talk back to the yanks and the yanks pretend to believe it, but they don't because they know that the Russians are on to Snowden because that was the intention of the yanks all along. The yanks want the Russians to waste all their time making up pretend espionage stuff to trick Snowden with. That way, reason the yanks, the Russians will have less time to come up with real espionage stuff.

When it comes to real espionage, there's actually no such thing. No one has the time. They're too busy cooking up the fake stuff. Strictly speaking, there are no such things as actual spies. Well, there are spies, but their job isn't to spy. Their job is to give the people they are meant to be spying on the impression that they're spying on them. Really though, there is no spying going on at all, but everyone thinks there is, so they don't make any plans. The plan is to make the enemy think you might know what the plan is, so they scrap their plans, should they have any, which they don't because they haven't the time.

Are you still with me? Has confusion got you in its grip? It's all about confusion at the end of the day. The intelligence agencies are mad for the confusion.

Did you know that back in a simpler time, during the Cold War, the Russians used to use props in their military parades? They'd have a huge big fake nuke, a thing that doesn't exist at all, a big fake warhead in a parade and they'd know that the yanks would see it and then go and waste all their time trying to research what it was and how to make one of their own. The yanks would waste a load of time and effort that could've been expended on developing real nukes. That was typical of the shite that went on in the world of geopolitical espionage. Of course, if such a thing was attempted today, the yanks would just give the Russians the impression that they had wasted all their time when, in fact, they would've known that the nuke was fake all along. And the extra twist on top of this would be that the Russians would know that the yanks know the nuke is fake, but the Russians would be happy enough because the yanks would still end up wasting a load of time and effort on giving the Russians the impression that they were wasting a load of time and effort.

Do you see my meaning? Is what I'm trying to impart clear to you at all?

Look, it's like this, spies know that reality is irrelevant. The world of spies is a post-reality world. It's just trolling really. Troll and counter-troll. If James Bond films were realistic, Bond would just be going around saying he bedded all those women and blew up all those secret bases, but the reality would be him sitting around in hotel lobbies trying to look suspicious but feeling kind of lonely and wondering what it's all for and if there is such a thing as anything at all and he'd frequently check his reflection in panes of glass to make sure that he's still there and, deep down, he'd be hoping that one day he won't be. Or maybe, like David Shayler, Bond would see his reflection and declare to himself 'I am the messiah and hold the secret of eternal life.'

It's hard for spies to keep their feet on the ground. That's why they're advised to keep weights in their footwear. This also makes them easier to sink, when they need to be disposed of. We'll all have weights in our shoes soon enough.

Saturday, December 24, 2016


Hi, I'm Donald. You probably know this. I'm everywhere, even here now. Yes, I'm Donald. You've heard all the jokes and theories about me. About why I am where I am. The cultural and socio-economic reasons and, you know, that stuff. Blame it on neoliberalism or racism or reality TV or, well, whatever, whatever.

I'll tell you something though. Something people don't talk about so much. Something I know very well. Something even I don't talk about. Let me tell you this. My father gave me everything, or at least an awful lot, and that left me feeling bad. Really, believe me. I felt really bad. I felt like I never made anything for myself, you know, so I needed to do that, right. You understand me. OK. So, I needed people to take me for me, but I didn't know who 'me' was right, so I gradually became this kind of a thing and I put this thing that I became out there and here I am and, you know, I'm very successful. I mean, I say that I'm successful all the time and people say that I'm not. They say I lost a lot of money and all of this, but I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about real estate, mental real estate. I own property and that property is in your head. It's mental space and it gives me value. It makes me feel great too. I feel very valued. I like feeling valued, right. Don't we all like to feel valued? You know it. You know we do. Valued is something that my father never made me feel. I had to do that for myself and I was very successful at it. I built a home in everyone's mind and that gives me value and now I'm trading in that value and do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy the world. The whole world. I'm going to take the world, another thing my father couldn't give me by the way, and I'm going to destroy it and then I'm going to see what happens. Maybe I'll find out who I am because, you know, that's the one thing I really don't know. That's the one thing I never figured out and I guess by destroying everything I'm going to discover it, right? Sure. I'll destroy everything and by that I mean absolutely everything, believe me, I'll destroy it while you guys cheer or boo or whatever, like I could care less how you feel about it by the way, as long as you feel strongly about it, and then, when everything is destroyed, you'll look at me, Donald, and I will look back at you. I'll look straight into your eyes, straight in there, and I'll say 'Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.'

That's what's going to happen folks, believe me, and I know that my father may not have been proud of what I'm destined to become, but boy would he ever have been impressed.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016


I visited a nation called 'Nation'. Needless to say, the citizens of this nation were called 'Nationalists'. Initially, I thought Nation was the most unimaginative country I'd ever been too. The streets were all named 'Street Street' and the cities were all called 'City'. The postal addresses were a disaster. Every house was unnumbered and had the address House, Street Street, City, Nation. Mail rarely arrived at the right place. When I pointed this out to a Nationalist he laughed and said 'au contraire my friend, in Nation the mail cannot help but arrive at the correct destination.' This Nationalist then took a sip of the national drink, which was a drink named 'drink' that was usually enjoyed with the national meal that was a meal named 'meal'. Also, this man was called 'Person' as were all people in Nation.

Rather than lack of imagination, Nation's reason for naming things after what they were, even if there was lots of the same thing, was to prevent difference. It was reasoned by the founder of Nation (and the very first person to take the name 'Person') that difference was the cause of all conflict and therefore everything must be the same.

However, the problem of difference is difficult to overcome and it eventually reared its ugly head. What happened was this, one day two people called Person had a disagreement about which was better, drink or meal. Person and Person's disagreement grew to a row that caused a fist fight and then their relatives got involved and it was person against person, or Person against Person as the case may be and indeed was, in this case. This brawl grew and grew and resulted in a short lived civil war. It seemed that everyone in Nation secretly longed for the excitement and stimulation that only conflict can provide, and this desire was overwhelming. Where it comes to conflict, people just can't help themselves. Even if the people are all called Person.

Eventually everything was wrecked and ruined and shite and everyone got sick of it and wanted things back the way they were, so everything went back to the way it was – but with one big difference. Steps were taken to ensure that war would never reoccur in the great nation of Nation. It was decided that everything - the people, the houses, the streets, the cities, the drinks and the meals - all of it, would be renamed 'Thing'. Even the nation itself was renamed 'Thing' and, so far, this seems to be working. It's even harder to get the mail to the right address now, addresses invariably being Thing, Thing Thing, Thing, Thing, Thing, but no one seems to mind. Despite the inefficiencies, the things of Thing are content enough to just get on with doing their thing.