NEW CONSPIRACY THEORIES

(pictured: it's no wonder cats hate “meeces to pieces”)

Conspiracy theories are all the rage these days. People believe all kinds of fun stuff to do with secret organisations ruling the world and weather technology controlling storms and all that. It's great. Fugger (the people's blogger) has long wanted to get involved in the conspiracy game so I've come up with some of my own theories that I'll be forwarding on to Prison Planet, Godlike Productions, and Russia Today.

Here's a sample of my favourites:

1: NEW YORK DOES NOT EXIST!

Never did. It's mainly done with computer graphics. Have you ever been there? Well I have and it wasn't there at all. It was another place done up to look like New York. The Illuminati want you to think there is a New York so that you'll go mad when CGI airplanes are crashed into it and agree to a global security police regime. These global police will wear special CIA sanctioned body scanning x-ray glasses and be able to see your girlfriend in the nip (unless she is in the nip, in which case they'll see her internal organs and skeleton).

If you meet someone who says they are from New York they are probably MK Ultraed out of it and actually from Wyoming or some place like that.

2: DOGS ARE MACHINES LIKE AT-AT WALKERS IN STAR WARS!

These dog machines are driven by mice to scare cats. This is just one strand of the animal war that is being waged around you. Remember, when you feed a dog you are fueling a mouse operated At-At and indirectly taking a side in a war against your own cat.

Additionally, Tom and Jerry cartoons were mouse propaganda and the animators that made them were also machines controlled by mice that were inside them. It was the same with Mickey Mouse cartoons. Even Walt Disney was a mouse - or mice to be more precise (hey, that last bit rhymed so it must be true!!!)

Pixie and Dixie was another example of mouse propaganda but no one remembers that so it doesn't matter.

3: CAKES ARE JUST MASSIVE BISCUITS!

Cakes are just big biscuits that are soft. Don't be fooled! The average cake costs around €8. Would you pay €8 for one biscuit? No, you wouldn't. You'd get at least four packets of biscuits for that money – that's at least eighty cakes. This is a plot by the Illuminati to get you to hand over more money so they can spend it on developing mind control shoes (that take over your mind once you put them on unless you're wearing tin foil socks).

From now on, wedding cakes should be called wedding biscuits and so should birthday cakes. Likewise, pancakes should be renamed panbiscuits but it's probably OK to keep calling potato cakes potato cakes. 

4: J.LO AND JENNIFER LOPEZ ARE THE SAME PERSON!

The Illuminati aren't even trying with this one. One name even sounds like the initials of the other and the two women are identical. The Illuminati want you think she is two different people as a ritualistic trick – they are always playing them. (Remember the Emerson, Lake and Palmer deception? Lake wasn't even a lake, he was just a bloke, like the other two.)

What's more, J.Lo/Jennifer Lopez isn't even from 'the block' and she never 'had a little'. However, I will concede that she does, in actual fact, 'have a lot'.

5: NEW YORK DOES EXIST!

The theory that it doesn't was a false flag operation so that people won't care when the Illuminati crash airplanes into it.

...and don't forget that Obama is a Sasquatch. I've mentioned that before on this blog so remember where you heard it first.

I'm really excited about contributing to the narrative. It's all about the narrative. Let's build an exciting new narrative, our own narrative, to carry us into the future. Once you have mastered the narrative you will have a defined cognitive dumping ground for all that nebulous hatred, rage, frustration, confusion, alienation, and fear that makes you want to SHOUT! It's also a fun hobby. Expect to see my new conspiracies catch fire and WAKE UP SHEEPLE!