Wednesday, March 2, 2011


(above: Jack Frost, had he been a meteorologist the show would have been perfect.)

I’m pitching a load of cop shows to the telly people. Original stuff with a twist. I’ve listed a few below. See what you think. . .

OLDHOUSE: Maverick police archaeologist, Ted Oldhouse uses his ability to analyse ancient cultural artefacts to solve crimes from yesteryear. (Lots of flashbacks with whooshing sounds and the screen going all white in this one.)

BUNION: Maverick police chiropodist, Don Bunion uses his podiatric skills to solve crimes with a bipedalistic basis. (Lots of stuttery camera work in this one, with frames taken out and all that type of thing)

EAT YOUR GREENS: Maverick police dietician/forensic pathologist Hannah Eatyourgreens goes through the contents of murder victim stomachs to figure out if they were poisoned etc. (She’s pretty hot and, for some strange reason, she has to go undercover as a stripper with surprising frequency. Contains slow-motion undressing.)

And here’s a few with maverick duos. . .

NEAT and TIDY: Maverick obsessive hygienists Nick Neat and Jack Tidy use their compulsive peculiarities and fine eye for detail to assist in crime scene investigations. (Contains both stuttery camera work and whooshy flashbacks but no slow-motion undressing.)

STEADY AS SHE GOES: Recently separated maverick married couple Bill Steady and Annie Goes use the experience they garnered via their dysfunctional relationship to put right spousicidal wrongs. (They still love each other but are too cautious and/or proud to admit it, which will keep viewers coming back for more in a ‘will they, won’t they’ type of way.)

WILL THEY, WON’T THEY: Maverick police rookies, Susan Willthey and Fred Wontthey are paired together to solve crimes. They are in love but too proud/cautious to confirm it and all that shite. (Just like Steady As She Goes only with a younger cast and more whooshy stuttery stuff.)

PART and PARCEL: Maverick Santa elves Bob Part and Jim Parcel use their gift wrapping skills to investigate Lapland homicides. (For kids but gritty, with loads of high-class elf prostitutes that have been strangled with ribbons.)

And here’s one for animal lovers. . .

STARS N’ STRIPES: Maverick airport sniffer dogs . . .you get the picture. (Contains sexual tension, stuttery whooshes, going undercover as strippers, and so on.)

I reckon at least one of these shows will be commissioned. I’m coming up with loads more too. Can you think of any yourself?


barrymore said...

Well I could have Hot Toddy. Theres a bloke in the jungles of borneo goes round solving crime. He likes a drink and his names Jason Todd, thats where the name comes from see? I mean its busting swelterin heat and you cant sweat cause its humid and clammy in the jungle and Jack Todd grew up in Walsall. In one episode he gets caught in a heavy thunderstorm and his motor gets stuck in the muck and he revs an revs but its no good so he gets the johnnie walker out of the bag and just has a swig or two while he gets a grip on the situation but it keeps rainin and rainin and eventually hes most of the bottle gone and has to sleep in the motor. The next morning its dried up an some locals come along and pull him out with an ox and he gets back to town an straight to bed with the sweats an hallucinations cause hes picked up a TOUCH OF DENGUE FEVER and that. Over the weeks his condition deteriorates and he develops scurvy. Its mainly aimed at dads and dissipated uncles
I’ve an idea for another one called Shitser Merrigan Investigates about a reformed Cat ~Burglar who freelances as a Private Detective around housing estates in Dublin 14 solving larcenies

Fugger said...

Hot Toddy is a good one. Richard Burton would've been ideal for the role had he lived. He was up for acting in any old shite around the time of The Medusa Touch.

I'm convinced it was Shitser broke into the bowler that night. The sheer incomepetence of the job is a tell-tale sign as was the dirty log found in the pool table pocket.