(above: Professor Brian Greene, being a bit of an arsehole to be honest)
Brian Greene, professor of physics at Columbia University, says that he and others have used String Theory (a.k.a. difficult sums that fill up massive blackboards and show how everything in existence works) to make a massive breakthrough that reveals our Universe to be one of an infinite amount.
Greene says that some of these other universes are very different to ours, others are identical in every detail, and others are everything in between. If they are infinite in number, they must be infinite in variety. So, one universe could be identical to ours in every detail and another could be identical in every detail but for one tiny aspect, something as trivial as that universe’s version of you preferring a different flavoured ice cream or that universe’s version of Wile E. Coyote catching and eating the Road Runner in the very first cartoon and spending all the following cartoons wandering around the desert bored.
Other universes would be very different to ours altogether. Just think, if there are infinite variations there must be a universe out there that is nothing but a giant vibrating flan or one that is solely populated by three foot Ryan Tubridys with beaks and monkey arms or something. Not only must such absurd realities be out there but the fact that there is an infinite amount of universes means there must be an infinite amount of these absurd universes. An infinite amount of universes that are just vibrating flans! That’s a bit mad eh? A bit too mad!
It’s getting difficult to accept Professor Greene’s assertion now isn’t it? It gets even harder to swallow when you consider that, of all the infinite universes out there, there must be a universe in which there is only one universe. Do you follow me? There must be a universe where there are no alternative universes. If just such a universe exists, it follows that there are no other universes. How could there be because that would prevent the universe where there is only one universe from existing and it must exist if there is truly an infinite amount of universes. This paradox collapses Greene’s proposition. Consequently, we must conclude that there is only one universe and it must be ours because we are obviously here, with me writing this shite and you lot looking at it.
So, Professor Greene, if you are reading this, and I’ve a funny feeling you are, it’s back to the blackboard for you. Get your duster, rub out all those numbers and funny symbols, get out a new stick of chalk and try and find us something better to believe in. I mean come on Professor Greene, a giant vibrating flan? I know you’ve got a new book to promote but you can’t be serious. Do you want to get on the telly is that it? Do you want to be a little star in your own universe? Is that what the photos of you looking all moody in the fancy jacket are about? Do you want to present the science programmes in your fancy leather jacket and get all those beautiful geek chic style women to fancy you and show up at your book signings? Well, it’s not going to happen as long as you keep on with this giant flan nonsense. Honestly, you’re behaving like a bit of a gobshite. An absolute gobshite in fact. Would you cop on to yourself now and come up with something half decent? Oh yeah, and one other thing, you can shove that jacket up your hole while you’re at it.