‘Those fellas should be behind bars!’ That’s what I always say when faced with acts of economic treason or revelations of institutionalised child abuse. I say ‘those fellas should be behind bars’ and I feel all the better for it.
I say it to everyone. I go into the newsagents, pick up a newspaper, look at the headline and say ‘those fellas should be behind bars!’ to the other customers or the newsagent or whoever’s around. It’s great. Very cathartic. Try it yourself. Try it now. It’s easy; all you have to do is frown and say: ‘those fellas should be behind bars!’ Did you do it? You did? I can’t say I noticed. Try it again. Declare it loudly this time and with a distinct air of incredulity. OK, let’s see how it goes. Ready? Go! Ahh, that’s it. You have it now. Felt good didn’t it?
Similarly, when angered by juvenile delinquency, I like to exclaim in a stern tone, ‘they should bring back the birch’. That’s a good one too. I also recommend ‘did you see the match?’ in a chirpy tone, for relaxed social occasions. It’s a good ice-breaker and there has always been a match. Oh, and if there has been any trouble at the match, from hooligans or that, you can score a hat trick by saying. . . Chirpy Tone: ‘Did you see the match?’ Incredulous Tone: ‘Those fellas should be behind bars’. Stern Tone: ‘They should bring back the birch’. That feels fucking fantastic.