(pictured: Ugger having the craic with his biggest rock)
Did you know that there were bloggers during the Paleolithic age? Yes, there were. Of course, prehistory was pre-internet so Paleolithic bloggers had to engrave their blogposts into the bark of trees or the walls of caves. The following is the last entry of one such Paleolitic blogger, a blogger that went by the name of Ugger (uggthewoods.dryandwarmspot.cave). Ugger's last post provides a fascinating insight into early man's struggle to grasp the existential consequences of chronology and cause and effect. Here is what Mr. Ugger had to say:
'I live in a cave. It's a nice cave and I like it. It is cool and dark and I can hear the dripping water echo and the wind enter and leave. I have lots of nice things in my cave. Things like rocks and stones. I like to place the rocks and stones into little arrangements. It's grand. It's a grand pastime. Sometimes I look out and watch the others. Two of the males fighting over some female or the whole lot of them gathered around the carcass of some creature, gutting it and preparing it for the spit. After they are finished eating, I pop down there to scavenge whatever meat is left on the bones. If there's nothing left then that's fine. I have my berries and they see me through. I get by. I rarely get any trouble from the tribe or the big cats or the bears or anything. I am safe. I just hang out here arranging rocks and stones and thinking about stuff. The others think I'm wasting my time thinking but I enjoy it. Thinking is good. It's interesting. I think about lots of things. I often think about Booglarrr. Ahh, Booglarrr. Booglarrr of the long limbs and swaying hips. Kind Booglarrr. Gentle Booglarrr. Oh sweet Booglarrr. Boooooooooooooogllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr. Booglarrr who never gives me a second look. Booglarrr who longs for Kunk. Kunk who has followed the river. Kunk who has seen the far trees and brought back the rare vinyl. Kunk of the decks.
Thinking of Booglarrr takes up a lot of my time but I've recently started thinking about something else a lot too. I've started thinking about something I don't think anyone has ever thought about. I have started thinking about a time. A time that is not Now or Before. I have started thinking about another time. A new time. A time after Now. I call this time Later.
Later confuses me. Why, if I can know what is happening in Now and can recall what happened in Before, can I not know what happens in Later? There must be some way of finding out. If there is a Later then something is happening in this Later. What is it? Are the big cats back in Later, jumping out from the trees? In Later, has Booglarrr finally noticed me and seen Kunk for what he is: a source of complimentary tickets to the tribal ball and not much more. What shape are the clouds in Later?
I look to the clouds Now and imagine them in Later. Do they hint of their Later selves by the way they are changing Now? Can they tell me other things about what is in Later? If I scatter the rocks and stones of my cave, will they land in a shape that depicts Later? Will the random rock arrangement speak of Later? Later has come to absorb me completely. Even when I am thinking of other things, I am not thinking of them in Now or in Before but in Later.
I have come to understand that there are two ways to get a decent idea of what is happening in Later. The first way of getting a better idea of what is happening in Later is by taking part in Now and trying to shape Later. But that thought makes me uncomfortable. That is an uncertain way of finding out what is in Later. If I go messing around with Now in the hopes of shaping Later I might end up not enjoying Now. I might ruin Now. I might make a mess of Now. I might make a fool of myself in Now and Booglarrr might laugh at me. I don't want to risk Now for Later. Now is all I have and Later is not here yet. I really like Now. I like to spend Now thinking. I like to spend Now thinking about Later.
Continuing to spend Now thinking about Later and making sure I remain spending Now thinking about Later is actually the second way of getting a better idea of what happens in Later Now. It's quite easy to predict: In Later, I will be here in my cave, arranging my rocks and stones, and thinking about Later. Booglarrr thinks no less of me in Later. She doesn't think of me at all in Later. The clouds are changing shape in Later as they are changing shape in Now so nothing really changes in Later and Later is the same as Now. To control Later, to keep Later the same as Now, all I have to do in Later is not do anything but think about Later. I am getting by in Later. I am not getting any trouble from the tribe or the big cats or the bears or anything in Later. In Later I am safe. I have my rocks and stones and the echo of the dripping water and the wind entering and leaving...
...argh, who am I kidding? The dripping water and the drafts are driving me crazy. I must've placed these ugging rocks and stones in every arrangement possible. I've got to get the ug out of here. I'm off. I'm getting the ug out of here ...Now!'
The blogpost ends abruptly there. Ugger's well-preserved remains were found scattered about the mouth of a cave in southwestern France. Examining the evidence, we might ascertain that our troglodyte proto-blogger finished his blogpost and departed his den with a new sense of purpose, only to be immediately pounced upon by a saber-tooth tiger and torn apart, alas becoming an artefact of Before that we can study Now.
OK, that's all for today. See you ...Later?