Sunday, July 17, 2011


(pictured above: Iago-good with words)

Language has gotten out of hand. The main purpose of vocabulary and grammar is to manipulate and deceive, to give the irrational the pretence of rationality, to justify questionable actions with verbose exorcisms of cognitive dissonance and to propagate ideologies and dogmas that justify the persecution of others. It’s all just spin. Language has become a nasty thing and it’s time it was reined in.

That is why I propose The Two Word Language, an international language that has only two words. One word is ‘Ooo’ and the other word is ‘Kah’. Ooo means ‘nice’, ‘like’ or ‘love’. You might say Ooo when contemplating a big bowl of custard or while getting your ears nibbled. Kah means ‘horrible’, ‘dislike’ or ‘hate’. You might say Kah when contemplating a big bowl of shite or while getting your ears nibbled by the parish priest. So, that’s it, now you can speak The Two Word Language. Two words. That is all. Ooo and Kah.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking a two word language will retard our progress as a species. You’re wrong. We will use diagrams to share complex instructions and therefore still be able to build machines and bake cakes etc. We don’t really need language for all that. ‘But Mr. Fugger, what about great works of literature and drama?’ I hear you plea. ‘Fuck em!’ is my response. What did great works of literature and drama ever give us? A heap of ‘to be or not to be’ angst and not much else. Forget all that stuff. That’s all part of the problem. Ooo and Kah are all we need. Them and the diagrams.

We may have to forget about literature and drama but we’ll still have music and images (but not films-the dialectic grammar of films is too emotive and propagandistic). We’ll even still have certain types of literature in the form of poems (but not the epic kind). Yes, there will still be poems. A love poem would go:

Ooo Ooo Ooo
Ooo Ooo
Ooo Ooo Ooo
Ooo Ooo

. . .and an anti-war poem or something would go:

Kah Kah
Kah Kah Kah
Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah

The Two Word Language isn’t that limited at all really. Some intonation or volume variables in the annunciation of ‘Ooo’ and ‘Kah’ are also permitted, so as to express gradations in feeling (muttering Kah would not mean the same thing as roaring the word for example) or conveying uncertainty (saying Ooo with a questioning inflection at the end of the word). Actually, maybe we’ll have one more word. A phonetic word that means ‘OK’ or ‘whatever’. This word will be ‘Meh’. We already use it. You’re probably saying it to yourself right now.

So that’s it. Ooo, Kah and Meh. They are the only words we need. Anything more is just guff. We are fundamentally about likes and dislikes and that is all we need to express. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anybody, even if we did we’d just make up some bullshit anyway and others would probably only hear what they expected to hear. Language is so much wasted time. We just need to know if each other are happy or sad, pleased or displeased, and then we can get on with things. Ooo, Kah and Meh are all we need from now on. Yes, from now on, because I think we should get started right away. There’s no time like the present. THERE. IS. NO. TIME. LIKE. THE. PRESENT. That’s another good thing about The Two Word Language, it’ll stop us dragging up the past and disagreeing about the future. We’ll be forever in the present and the present is the only time that matters. The Two Word Language is a Zen tongue.

Don’t forget to return to Fugger later this week to see my next post. It should be easy enough to follow. Come to think of it, tagging posts is going to be a lot less hassle from now on too. OK, these are the last words I ever type in the old language. It’s all Ooos and Kahs from here on in. Ooo Ooo Ooo.


Danny said...

as the strange Burroughs said: Language is a virus...however it is a virus with a tangible vaccine on the horizon - in the shape of ubiquitous texting and twatter updates...things that, i feel, will restrict and lasso language - paring it back to these rudimentary noises that denote the furthest reaches of our (human) emotional spectrums.

but the danger, i maintain, Fugger, is does this then restrict our abilities to feel?! will we gaze on a sunset or attend the funeral of our least favourite priest and only be able to emit an Ooo or a Kah respectively, thus stymieing our attempts to experience events on the emotional nay spiritual plane?

Notes from the Back Kitchen said...

Well, I mean.. all this talk about ooh ooh sounds a bit like monkeys to me! Course they say that’s where we come from originally. Some of us became people and some stayed monkeys.

The one thing I don’t trust though is MONKEYS!! Honest! I'll tell you why. A friend of mine, Gary Bond, was on holidays with the wife in Gibraltar and they got monkeys roaming all over. One day they was just cutting along, minding their business and all of a sudden Vicki says to him 'that monkeys looking at me funny Gel. Its giving me a sort of a look..' So he thought nothing of it, he said 'Don’t be daft, he’s just a monkey. He most probably wants a peanut'. 'He wants more than that!' she said, and with that the monkey come running for her! She ran into a cafĂ© just in time, the waiter had to see him it off with a brush. It was going barmy! So, monkeys are a bit like you and me, I mean this monkey definitely FANCIED her. And now you want to start talking like one! Next thing you'll be chasing birds around the high street!

One things for sure after hearing that story I’ll NEVER go to Whipsnade

Fugger said...

Danny, the emotional and spiritual planes are overrated. They're for pontificating sorts. The type of people who get out of the bath with a dirty face.

Back Kitchen, you remind me of Barrymore who often comments here. It's not just the way you express yourself. It's the company you keep. Give my regards to the late Mr. Bond.