I'm putting on a play about our current world. I won't be giving any of the actors scripts so they'll have to improvise any old shite that comes into their heads. I'm hoping for some monologues that make little sense, but sound powerful anyway - in a strange way.
I'll also cue light changes and sound effects and pull up and down the curtain at entirely random times so as to disorientate the cast and audience alike.
The whole show will finish with the theatre catching fire and everyone being directed to fake emergency exits that all lead to the toilet.
It'll be just like real life. It'll be very realistic.
Then of course there is the encore. Played by the final living actor, burnt a gaudy orange, coughing and sooty upon the remnants of the stage. The last scene of all, that ends this strange eventful history, is second childishness and mere oblivion, sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste*, sans everything.
Mark E. Smith, more like Mark E.
Wordsmith, eh readers? I love the lyrics of Mark E. Smith and The
Fall. They always make me think about things. I'm not sure what
things they make me think about but I certainly think about them.
There are many examples of great lyrics from the band's three hundred
and forty eight year career but here are the lyrics from my favourite
ditty by the band:
THE MUTTERABLE
A venn diagram. A venn diaaagraaammm.
Plastic Nepalese storage units from
Nepal
made of
made of
Plastic! Yeah.
I don't like people, very much.
I don't like people verrrry muuuch.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
There is no cure for the mutterable.
The mutterable of East Anglian anorak
wearer.
East Anglian anorak wearer. Yeah.
On the bus. On the bus.
Rosa Parks didn't like sitting at the
back very much.
I heard you fiendish and beige
A large Ulster fry. An Ulster fry.
Yeah.
An Ulster fry. On Death row in East
Anglia.
We release 78 albums a year. Yeah.
I don't like people, very much.
I don't like people verrrry muuuch.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
24 hour newsagents.
A packet of Fox's Glacier Mints or the
Iran Contra Affair.
They named the park after Arthur C.
Clarke.
His sister was Petula. She was
unusual-ah.
Fox's Glarier Mints. Fox's Glacier
Mints. Yeah.
Failed scent of aroma versatile
Colonel Gaddafi got stabbed in the
jaxi.
He should have hailed a taxi to...
East Anglia. East Anglia. Yeah. Iran
Contra Affair.
Anyway. It makes no difference to me.
I don't like people, very much.
I don't like people verrrry muuuch.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
Crystal. I Ching. Kerching.
Feng shui. Hong Kong Phooey.
The future is reminiscent of the
future.
The Hair Bear Bunch invited to brunch.
Iran Contra Affair.
Iran Contra Affair. Yeah.
Libya is next to Sudan and I drive a
Sedan.
Iran Contra Affair. Yeah.
Hatchback hunchback
Backpack wolf pack
and I'm glad John Peel is dead
I don't like people, very much.
I don't like people verrrry muuuch.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
Scallions.
Venn diagram. Venn diagram. Yeah.
I don't like people verrrry muuuch.
Makes you think doesn't it? Mark E.
Smith is like a modern day Shakespeare. A modern day Shakespeare
muttering in his sleep. Here's another song by Mark and The Fall. Turn the volume up full and have a little dance around the room why don't you? Go on. Go on. I won't tell anyone.
Language has gotten out of hand. The main purpose of vocabulary and grammar is to manipulate and deceive, to give the irrational the pretence of rationality, to justify questionable actions with verbose exorcisms of cognitive dissonance and to propagate ideologies and dogmas that justify the persecution of others. It’s all just spin. Language has become a nasty thing and it’s time it was reined in.
That is why I propose The Two Word Language, an international language that has only two words. One word is ‘Ooo’ and the other word is ‘Kah’. Ooo means ‘nice’, ‘like’ or ‘love’. You might say Ooo when contemplating a big bowl of custard or while getting your ears nibbled. Kah means ‘horrible’, ‘dislike’ or ‘hate’. You might say Kah when contemplating a big bowl of shite or while getting your ears nibbled by the parish priest. So, that’s it, now you can speak The Two Word Language. Two words. That is all. Ooo and Kah.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking a two word language will retard our progress as a species. You’re wrong. We will use diagrams to share complex instructions and therefore still be able to build machines and bake cakes etc. We don’t really need language for all that. ‘But Mr. Fugger, what about great works of literature and drama?’ I hear you plea. ‘Fuck em!’ is my response. What did great works of literature and drama ever give us? A heap of ‘to be or not to be’ angst and not much else. Forget all that stuff. That’s all part of the problem. Ooo and Kah are all we need. Them and the diagrams.
We may have to forget about literature and drama but we’ll still have music and images (but not films-the dialectic grammar of films is too emotive and propagandistic). We’ll even still have certain types of literature in the form of poems (but not the epic kind). Yes, there will still be poems. A love poem would go:
Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo
. . .and an anti-war poem or something would go:
Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah
The Two Word Language isn’t that limited at all really. Some intonation or volume variables in the annunciation of ‘Ooo’ and ‘Kah’ are also permitted, so as to express gradations in feeling (muttering Kah would not mean the same thing as roaring the word for example) or conveying uncertainty (saying Ooo with a questioning inflection at the end of the word). Actually, maybe we’ll have one more word. A phonetic word that means ‘OK’ or ‘whatever’. This word will be ‘Meh’. We already use it. You’re probably saying it to yourself right now.
So that’s it. Ooo, Kah and Meh. They are the only words we need. Anything more is just guff. We are fundamentally about likes and dislikes and that is all we need to express. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anybody, even if we did we’d just make up some bullshit anyway and others would probably only hear what they expected to hear. Language is so much wasted time. We just need to know if each other are happy or sad, pleased or displeased, and then we can get on with things. Ooo, Kah and Meh are all we need from now on. Yes, from now on, because I think we should get started right away. There’s no time like the present. THERE. IS. NO. TIME. LIKE. THE. PRESENT. That’s another good thing about The Two Word Language, it’ll stop us dragging up the past and disagreeing about the future. We’ll be forever in the present and the present is the only time that matters. The Two Word Language is a Zen tongue.
Don’t forget to return to Fugger later this week to see my next post. It should be easy enough to follow. Come to think of it, tagging posts is going to be a lot less hassle from now on too. OK, these are the last words I ever type in the old language. It’s all Ooos and Kahs from here on in. Ooo Ooo Ooo.
