KNOCK KNOCK

I remember I wrote a piece for the stage. It was kind of a Beckett meets Sapphire and Steel thing. You know, a few laughs for the existentially bewildered. I called my play ‘Knock Knock’. Here’s the entire thing:

A Man and a Woman sit on a park bench on a lunar surface. The Man is engrossed in a paperback novelisation of the Clint Eastwood film In the Line of Fire. The Woman fidgets with a mischievous look on her face. She nudges the Man in the ribs with her elbow.
Woman: Knock knock.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: No. You’re meant to say ‘Who’s there?’
Man: Who’s there?
Woman: Yes.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: No. Let me start again. Knock knock.
Man: Who’s there?
Woman: Doctor.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: No. You are meant to say ‘Doctor who?’
Man: Doctor who?
Woman: Yes.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: No. Let me start again. Knock knock.
Man: Who’s there?
Woman: Doctor.
Man: Doctor who?
Woman: How did you know?
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: No. It’s a joke.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: You are being impossible.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: You are always like this after a few brandies.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: I am leaving you.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: I’m taking the children.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: (says nothing)
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: Knock knock.
Man: Who’s there?
Woman: Fuck off.
Man: How dare you?
Woman: How dare you who?
Man: How did you know?
(Lengthy pause of about one hour and a quarter)
Woman: How long have we been here?
Man: Forever.
Woman: Is this our purpose?
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: Knock knock.

At that point the play meets itself coming back and the actors take it from the top. The whole thing repeats over and over again until the audience is gripped by insanity or the theatre building collapses. The show started playing in town many years ago. It’s still going today. It's the same performance in fact. The very first one, still repeating. Needless to say, I didn’t go and see it myself. If I did I’d be there now and I’m not.
I’m right here.
Knock knock.

THE TWO WORD LANGUAGE

(pictured above: Iago-good with words)

Language has gotten out of hand. The main purpose of vocabulary and grammar is to manipulate and deceive, to give the irrational the pretence of rationality, to justify questionable actions with verbose exorcisms of cognitive dissonance and to propagate ideologies and dogmas that justify the persecution of others. It’s all just spin. Language has become a nasty thing and it’s time it was reined in.

That is why I propose The Two Word Language, an international language that has only two words. One word is ‘Ooo’ and the other word is ‘Kah’. Ooo means ‘nice’, ‘like’ or ‘love’. You might say Ooo when contemplating a big bowl of custard or while getting your ears nibbled. Kah means ‘horrible’, ‘dislike’ or ‘hate’. You might say Kah when contemplating a big bowl of shite or while getting your ears nibbled by the parish priest. So, that’s it, now you can speak The Two Word Language. Two words. That is all. Ooo and Kah.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking a two word language will retard our progress as a species. You’re wrong. We will use diagrams to share complex instructions and therefore still be able to build machines and bake cakes etc. We don’t really need language for all that. ‘But Mr. Fugger, what about great works of literature and drama?’ I hear you plea. ‘Fuck em!’ is my response. What did great works of literature and drama ever give us? A heap of ‘to be or not to be’ angst and not much else. Forget all that stuff. That’s all part of the problem. Ooo and Kah are all we need. Them and the diagrams.

We may have to forget about literature and drama but we’ll still have music and images (but not films-the dialectic grammar of films is too emotive and propagandistic). We’ll even still have certain types of literature in the form of poems (but not the epic kind). Yes, there will still be poems. A love poem would go:

Ooo Ooo Ooo
Ooo
Ooo Ooo
Ooo Ooo Ooo
Ooo
Ooo Ooo

. . .and an anti-war poem or something would go:

Kah Kah
Kah Kah Kah
Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah Kah

The Two Word Language isn’t that limited at all really. Some intonation or volume variables in the annunciation of ‘Ooo’ and ‘Kah’ are also permitted, so as to express gradations in feeling (muttering Kah would not mean the same thing as roaring the word for example) or conveying uncertainty (saying Ooo with a questioning inflection at the end of the word). Actually, maybe we’ll have one more word. A phonetic word that means ‘OK’ or ‘whatever’. This word will be ‘Meh’. We already use it. You’re probably saying it to yourself right now.

So that’s it. Ooo, Kah and Meh. They are the only words we need. Anything more is just guff. We are fundamentally about likes and dislikes and that is all we need to express. We don’t have to explain ourselves to anybody, even if we did we’d just make up some bullshit anyway and others would probably only hear what they expected to hear. Language is so much wasted time. We just need to know if each other are happy or sad, pleased or displeased, and then we can get on with things. Ooo, Kah and Meh are all we need from now on. Yes, from now on, because I think we should get started right away. There’s no time like the present. THERE. IS. NO. TIME. LIKE. THE. PRESENT. That’s another good thing about The Two Word Language, it’ll stop us dragging up the past and disagreeing about the future. We’ll be forever in the present and the present is the only time that matters. The Two Word Language is a Zen tongue.

Don’t forget to return to Fugger later this week to see my next post. It should be easy enough to follow. Come to think of it, tagging posts is going to be a lot less hassle from now on too. OK, these are the last words I ever type in the old language. It’s all Ooos and Kahs from here on in. Ooo Ooo Ooo.

FUGGER’S NEW PLAY

I’ve written a new play. It’s a kind of Beckett meets Friel thing except every word of dialogue in it is a preposition. I needed a gimmick. Everyone loves a gimmick these days. Just telling a story or something, that’s a bit ‘meh’. Anyway, here’s an extract from my new play Until But Despite:

MAURA does the dishes, looking fatigued.

MAURA (wistfully):
After beneath at around beside, onto during except. From inside, since above into beyond.

FATHER O’GORMAN is seated behind Maura, eating a slice of brack.

FATHER O’GORMAN:
Like after near above off into of outside over past.

MAURA angrily turns to face Father O’Gorman.

MAURA:
After along during beside, ‘till toward underneath. Since out throughout! Since out throughout!

FATHER O’GORMAN stands and takes Maura’s shoulders roughly.

FATHER O’GORMAN:
Without like of past, among of upon, but down before of like inside. Toward! Toward!

MAURA shakes herself free of the priest.

MAURA:
Around by after across between except for during. Except for during? Over during! Over during into amongst beneath but against.

FATHER O’GORMAN falls weeping to his knees.

FATHER O’GORMAN:
Within inside toward but out of between, like near past outside over past. At behind! At beneath! At beyond in about of among in AROUND! In AROUND! In AROUND! . . .until, . . .until, . . .until but despite.

MAURA looks down at the priest in disgust. She tosses aside her dishcloth and exits the scene. FATHER O’GORMAN curls into a ball and rocks to and fro.

FATHER O’GORMAN:
. . .until but despite. . . .until but despite . . .until but despite.

End of extract.

What do you think? Powerful stuff eh? I’m really looking forward to everyone pretending to enjoy it when it premiers at the next Dublin Theatre Festival.
IN OTHER NEWS: Click the link to the RDC blog and see myself and an old pal being a bit xenophobic: LINK-KRAZY KRAUTS!