January 20th 2011 and it’s all gone mental. Cowen has donned a laurel crown and appointed his dishwasher as minister for defence. All other vacated portfolios have been awarded to Paul Gogarty which has enraged the dishwasher that is now said to be considering its position. That’s not all, Cowen has opened a large crate releasing tens of deranged lemur monkeys into Leinster House. The creatures are running amok, flinging around important paper work, stealing sandwiches from hungry TDs and shitting all over the place. A weeping Pat Carey is reported to be hopping about trying to wrestle a blazing waste paper basket from his right foot. There is the sound of wailing and screaming and a time vortex is spilling out Doctor Who monsters into the foyer.
The most incredible thing about all this is that the Irish public don’t seem to mind that much. ‘Ah sure, what do you expect from that shower’ says one onlooker. ‘They say we’re an international laughing stock but I couldn’t give a shite and neither could anyone I know’, says another.
STOP PRESS: A bizarre party seems to be in progress on the roof of Leinster House. Various members of the general public have joined with protestors, TDs from all parties, Doctor Who monsters and lemur monkeys in a mass display of nihilistic insanity. The building is on fire but no one is showing the remotest concern. Richard Boyd Barrett is bumping asses with Mary Harney as they perform the ‘Mashed Potato’ to this song:
People are joining the festivities nationwide. Children, adults and pensioners are dancing on the streets. Pubs are giving out free booze, even to the kids. Well, if you can’t beat them join them. Myself and The Pussycat Dolls are performing a dance routine on the roof of a garda van as I type. Come on, join in the fun why don’t cha? Can you do the Mashed Potato? I bet you can! Get to it! Go on, stand up now and let yourself go. Fuck what anyone else thinks! Fuck the rest of the world! Fuck ‘em all! We’re Ireland and WE DON’T FUCKIN CARE!!!
STOP PRESS AGAIN: Hey, Ashley from the Dolls has just invented a new dance. It's called the Reshuffle!. . .going forward.