Assets!

Going forward. Due diligence. Standards of excellence. Increased liquidity. Best international practise.

Right, now all that is out of the way we can proceed:

I was asked to form an independentish body of experts to properly assess the value of assets being transferred to the state via NAMA. I’ve rounded up the best people for the job. Sean Fitzpatrick is aboard (wearing a Groucho Marx mask to ensure there is no conflict of interest) as is Bernie Madoff. Also on the job are Eddie Hobbs, Arthur Daly, Joe (Hulk) Joyce, Micky Fingers Fingleton, Brush Shields, Amy Huberman, the Mekon and Judge Death.

We rented Joe’s van from him and drove out to the Midlands to assess the various lands and properties that will be transferred. First up was Manna Manors. A fine little estate of houses entirely constructed from bread, Manna Manors boasts the legend: ‘As if From Heaven Itself’. By the time we arrived, the whole estate had been eaten by birds and we were faced with an empty building site populated by a multitude of half-heartedly flapping belching birds that had grown too fat to fly. Despite this, we decided the state was still getting a good deal because you could always staple the birds together and make new houses out of them. The insulation from the feathers would get an A1 BER rating too. So, Manna Manors, check. Good deal!

Next up was La Vulcana, advertised with the slogan ‘Home is Where the Hearth Is’. This estate was built out of petrol cans and matches. ‘You could go up like a tinder box living here,’ noted Huberman before adding, ‘and that certainly beats freezing to death.’ Good point, good deal, La Vulcana, check.

Of the other estates we checked out, one, Summer Meadows: Breathe In - You’re Home, comprised solely of fresh air (environmentally sound, check), another, Fanciful Notions: For Those Who Dare Think Big, was built from pure hubris (positive vibes, check) and another, Dreamlands, was similar to the previous two in that the estate itself was entirely imaginary, with prospective buyers invited to imagine their ideal home, describe it to the developer and then pay for it. The houses would never be built but, as it said on the brochure, you could ‘Imagine Yourself Home Today’ (innovative, check).

The last two assets we viewed also received the thumbs up. Aqua Delights, Beating Mother Nature to the Punch, featured homes constructed entirely from water, cunningly making them unfloodable, which is handy seeing as the whole place is built on a swamp. The last estate, ‘Shitland, Made Out of Shit’, was made out of shit and we liked that because it was cheeky.

I really think it is time to quit the nay saying. The Irish people stand to gain a great deal from these bargains once they are obtained by way of the transparent and straight-forward process of the National Assets Management Agency Special Purpose Vehicle Something Or Other that will not be the subject of a tribunal in fifteen years going forward.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to McSorley’s to kick Johnny Ronan in the bollix. The girls in Krystle’s tell me it’s all the rage these days.