I had a deadly Paddy’s day. What about yourselves? Do anything? Have the craic at all? I went into town to see the parade. Missed it. It starts early. Got cans. A few Dutch. Twelve. Drank them with the lads: Anto, Byrno, Cunto, Umbro. Nice enough day it was. Nice outside. Called a garda a geebag and ran. He didn’t catch us. Too much chocice and Malteasers in him. His head went all red. I think he died. Had a few more cans. Took pisses on the road. Scraped the word ‘geebag’ into perspex. Rode Annette Healy. Stole her smokes. Climbed some railings. Not sure what I did that for. Climbed down. Called a garda a geebag and ran. He didn’t catch us. Fat legs on him. Too short for running after lads. Long enough to walk to the sweetshop. Ran over the bonnet of a car. Shouted the word ‘geebag’. Not sure why. Why not? GEEBAG! Took pisses on the road. Called a garda a geebag and ran. He didn’t catch us. Too much brack and sugary tea with his mammy on Sundays. Shouted ‘geebag’ at the Viking bus tour. Ran over the bonnet of a car. Driver started crying. Kicked a lad to death nearly. Shouted ‘giz a look at your tits you sexy bitch’ at some oul wan. Called a garda a geebag and ran. He didn’t catch us. Fat garda. Big arse made out of jelly on him. GEEBAG! Had more cans. Got taken to Clara Lara Adventure Park by David Coleman. Was given a pad to write my angry feelings in. Wrote geebag on it. Had a few more cans. Took more pisses on the road. Went a bit quiet walking by a scary looking lad. Called a garda a geebag and ran. He didn’t catch us. Jelly hole on him. Too much Fanta. Too much Monster Munch. Fierce angina. Had a few more cans. Scenes of carnage. Took pisses on the road. Went back to gaff. Studied for King’s Inns exam. Daddy says he’ll get us a car. Lovely Paddy’s Day. Deadly buzz. You’ll never beat the Irish. GEEBAG!