TRAGEDUNPHY

Angel of God,
my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here,
ever this day,
be at my side
to light and guard,
to rule and guide.

Amen ...baby!

A-TYPICAL SYNDROME

A concerned mother brought her child to see me. I diagnosed the child as suffering from A-Typical Syndrome. I prescribed Humzadrone to regulate the symptoms: refusal to go to bed, demanding ice-cream, not taking an interest in school, excessive displays of imagination. I have shares in the company that produces Humzadrone and these shares are performing well. That to me means the drug is popular and if a drug is popular it is popular because it works. I also golf with a director from the company and, despite his fondness for cocaine and inability to talk about anything but himself, he seems a straightforward type of chap who wouldn’t muck people about. That’s my opinion anyway. My professional opinion.

Humzadrone suppresses the causes of A-Typical Syndrome but sadly it has a side effect, listlessness. To counter this I prescribed Zibotrex to the child. Unfortunately Zibotrex has its own side effect, facial ticks. To prevent the facial ticks I prescribed Lugnoxathol which unfortunately causes paranoia so to make sure that didn’t take hold, I prescribed Gaxadril but that causes blurry vision so to make sure the kid’s eyesight wasn’t effected, I prescribed Nanodrexodonk which causes migraines so to prevent the migraines I prescribed Condrox which has the side effect of seizures so to prevent that possibility I prescribed Poxodine which has been known to cause dysentery so to nip that in the bud I prescribed Qwackzadrex which brings with it the side effect of A-Typical Syndrome, but the kid had that anyway so it doesn’t matter.

All of the drugs mentioned above are manufactured by the company mentioned above that has the coke snorting director mentioned above. These drugs must be good because the company’s share prices remain up as does my mood. I don’t need any drugs to make me feel chipper. All I have to do is check my investment portfolio.

Anyway, there’s a four ball planned for Thursday afternoon. I think I’ll tell Daphne (34-26-34) to cancel my appointments and close up early. The kids will still be sick the following morning and I can make them better then.

Oh, and here’s a lovely children’s story you can tell your kids before you bring them out my way for a top quality dosage:

Brandon and the Bipolar Bear (Narrated Storybook) from BPChildren on Vimeo.

I LOVE THE CHARLIE!

I love the charlie. I love a toot. It makes you feel great. It makes you a better person. As you all probably know, the best place to get quality charlie is Montrose. Oh yeah! I’ll never forget my days working in the RTE current affairs department. We’d be buying charlie, selling charlie, snorting charlie and making TV shows about charlie. It was great.

We’d start the day snorting a load of charlie, then pack the cameras and sound gear into the van and take off for some underprivileged area where they take loads of charlie, but crap charlie, unlike our charlie, which was great charlie.

We’d see some skanger type and chase after him with the camera and the boom poll, charlied off our heads.

‘Hey you, you there, do you take charlie? Do ya? Do ya though? Do you take charlie at all?’

The skanger would run off and we’d turn and talk to camera about what a terrible shit he is to be taking charlie and then we’d take a break from shooting and take more charlie, which is great.

Then, totally charlied, we’d go around knocking on doors asking skangers if they took charlie and if they closed the doors on us that meant they did take charlie and if they said they didn’t take charlie they were lying because everyone is on the charlie and the charlie is great and makes you a better person unless you’re a skanger, in which case it just makes you worse.

At the end of the day, charlied out of it, we’d get all the footage of the charlie taking skangers and take a bit more charlie and edit the charlie taking skanger footage together. Then we’d call the piece Charlie: An Inner City Tragedy, put Barber’s Adagio for Strings on the soundtrack and broadcast it on the telly before heading off to the Odessa Club and taking a load more charlie and hooking up with some charlie snorting birds who present kids’ telly and sitting with them in the corner talking about charlie.

Oh yeah, charlie is great. It’s all about the charlie baby!

By the way, a bunch of lads who wouldn’t know decent charlie to save their lives made a funny telly internet thing. If you’re in Dublin on Wednesday you can go see it and drink their free booze. There might even be some charlie around if you take charlie which I bet you do because everyone does and it’s great and makes you a better person, unless you’re a skanger, in which case it just makes you worse. Click the link for details:THE LAST SECURITY MAN

Right, that’s all for now. I'm going to have a sit down. I'm feeling a bit tired. I'm feeling a bit weird actually. I'm sweating and all. Yeah, better have a sit down. You may as well go. Go and do whatever it is you do. Go take some charlie.