TRAGEDUNPHY

Angel of God,
my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here,
ever this day,
be at my side
to light and guard,
to rule and guide.

Amen ...baby!

I’VE INVENTED ANOTHER NEW LANGUAGE

It’s becoming a bit of a hobby after THE LAST TIME but I’ve invented another new language. Everyone will be able to understand this new language of mine but only a select few will be able to speak it (those with reassuringly authoritative demeanours, presentable attire, and convincing smiles).

The communications landscape will be streamlined by my new language. The vast majority will be unburdened of the tiresome effort of trying to make themselves heard and the select minority will get to discuss matters without fear of the obfuscation caused by widespread discourse, which can get pretty silly when any old How Do You Do butts in willy nilly.

Pretty neat, isn't it?

Now, I realise there’ll come a time when those who are not amongst the select few will pick up a few words of my new language and try speaking them but I’m not too worried about this as they’ll only be repeating what the select few said, a bit like parrots or those dolls that say things when you pull a cord out of their back. They’ll not really be in a position to manipulate the language to their own ends and express their own ideas so there’s no threat really. Let me put it this way, Winston Churchill’s pet macaw Charlie was quite right to squawk the words ‘fuck Hitler’ but that didn’t mean he was in a position to make policy.

Anyway, the ability to have ideas should have atrophied by the time the non-select speaker has learned the lingo and even if the ability to form ideas has not atrophied in certain non-select speakers, any ideas expressed by them will be drowned out by the squawks from all the Charlies. SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! So, all in all, it should be grand.

This new language of mine has a few dialects. One is called Telly, one is called Radio and another one is called Newspaper. The tongue overall is called Media.

Now, keep your mouth shut and listen!

I LOVE THE CHARLIE!

I love the charlie. I love a toot. It makes you feel great. It makes you a better person. As you all probably know, the best place to get quality charlie is Montrose. Oh yeah! I’ll never forget my days working in the RTE current affairs department. We’d be buying charlie, selling charlie, snorting charlie and making TV shows about charlie. It was great.

We’d start the day snorting a load of charlie, then pack the cameras and sound gear into the van and take off for some underprivileged area where they take loads of charlie, but crap charlie, unlike our charlie, which was great charlie.

We’d see some skanger type and chase after him with the camera and the boom poll, charlied off our heads.

‘Hey you, you there, do you take charlie? Do ya? Do ya though? Do you take charlie at all?’

The skanger would run off and we’d turn and talk to camera about what a terrible shit he is to be taking charlie and then we’d take a break from shooting and take more charlie, which is great.

Then, totally charlied, we’d go around knocking on doors asking skangers if they took charlie and if they closed the doors on us that meant they did take charlie and if they said they didn’t take charlie they were lying because everyone is on the charlie and the charlie is great and makes you a better person unless you’re a skanger, in which case it just makes you worse.

At the end of the day, charlied out of it, we’d get all the footage of the charlie taking skangers and take a bit more charlie and edit the charlie taking skanger footage together. Then we’d call the piece Charlie: An Inner City Tragedy, put Barber’s Adagio for Strings on the soundtrack and broadcast it on the telly before heading off to the Odessa Club and taking a load more charlie and hooking up with some charlie snorting birds who present kids’ telly and sitting with them in the corner talking about charlie.

Oh yeah, charlie is great. It’s all about the charlie baby!

By the way, a bunch of lads who wouldn’t know decent charlie to save their lives made a funny telly internet thing. If you’re in Dublin on Wednesday you can go see it and drink their free booze. There might even be some charlie around if you take charlie which I bet you do because everyone does and it’s great and makes you a better person, unless you’re a skanger, in which case it just makes you worse. Click the link for details:THE LAST SECURITY MAN

Right, that’s all for now. I'm going to have a sit down. I'm feeling a bit tired. I'm feeling a bit weird actually. I'm sweating and all. Yeah, better have a sit down. You may as well go. Go and do whatever it is you do. Go take some charlie.