Sunday, May 27, 2012


I doubt you're wondering how I'm managing to leave blog posts from beyond the grave but I'll tell you anyway. . .

I was buried alive and died and then it went something like this:
My body blew like a gasket and my spirit split like steam and slipped between a crevice near the lid of the casket. I plumed up through tiny worm tunnels and came to the surface, scaring a gravedigger and causing his mange encrusted blind in one eye terrier to bark. 
'Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!' went the dog. 
'Hey, I'm floating away', went me.
I went upward past the clouds and joined a million soaring souls as they stretched throughout the cosmos like some moaning astral motorway passing by the space junk and the planets and the stars and headed toward the light. The light, the light, the cliched light. And then I saw a meadow and the smiling departed stood with their arms outstretched and greeted their relatives but there was no one there for me, not even my old dog Jake or my cat Rupert (the latter was a mercenary little bollix so what would you expect) and I was aggrieved but then someone called to me. Was that my Aunty Dolly? It was, it was, it was Aunty Dolly. Dear old Aunty Dolly! Darling Aunty Dolly! Only problem was I never had an Aunty Dolly. 'It's not your time', said whoever's Aunty Dolly it was and I found myself falling back to the Earth and seeping back down through its pours and plopping back into my body like a shite plops into a toilet bowl and then I came back to life and screamed and screamed and then I remember being unearthed by the gravedigger and his terrier savaged my arm and fucked my leg and that familiar sense of vague degradation informed me that I was alive . . .again. AAAAAAALLLLIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!

No comments: