Wednesday, August 31, 2011


(pictured above: The national flag of Insania)

Nationalism is great isn’t it? I think it is anyway. It’s cute. You have a bit of a fight and win your land and give it a little name like something-land or something-ania or just something. You make a little flag with a picture on it or maybe just a few colours or maybe a barcode and you put it up a pole and salute it in your little military outfits with the buttons all polished and you invent a little march you can do and blow a trumpet and sing a little song about your nation with little words about how great everything is and how good you are at fighting and how God likes you the best and all that. It really is very sweet the whole nationalism thing and practical too.

The practical element is the morale boosting that nationalism provides. I mean, if you didn’t have nationalism how could you muster the will to go off killing wogs just because they threaten your sweet deal on hot water bottle imports? (Oh dear, I’ve just realised I typed ‘wogs’ out loud. Please forgive me. I’m not racist or anything, it’s just the nationalist fervour.) If you didn’t have nationalism you might find yourself on a battlefield wondering just what the Hell you’re doing ramming a bayonet into a complete stranger. Where would your hot water bottle imports be then? I’ll tell you where, at the mercy of Wogland that’s where! The wogs would be exporting hot water bottles to you for top dollar and using the money to buy bayonets so they can stick them into you.

Of course, seeing as there would be a demand, you could always start making bayonets and selling them to the wogs. This might actually start good trade relations. Some important wog nation dignitaries might visit your nation and exchange gifts with your nation’s dignitaries, little tokens like a tasty cabbage or a fancy ornament or a fancy ornament of a tasty cabbage. And the wog nation’s dignitaries could stay for a few days and go see a few important statues or something and it would be on the telly and then the wog nation’s dignitaries would invite your nation’s dignitaries to Wogland and you’d be glad because the wog nation’s dignitaries liked your nation’s dignitaries.

National dignitaries are so called because they are dignified enough to represent their nations, unlike the rest of you. You’re not dignified like national dignitaries at all. You’re just normal undignitaries, shuffling around the place, blowing your noses and stuffing used tissues into pockets filled with old bus tickets. Jesus, when I think of it, the state of you. Really! All you’re good for is getting bayonets stuck into you. At least that way you’re doing your nation some service. Going forward.


barrymore said...

Well I mean..I don’t see the point of Nationalism myself. I don’t trust anything spelt with a capital letter mid sentence. Speaking of Nationalism, I remember meeting John Nettles after he was blackballed for residency on Jersey. He was fuming! What happened was, after they turned him down he thought he’d have another go. He thought there’d been some mistake sohe went round to see the Mayor to have a meeting, see if he could straighten it out. The mayor told him not to worry, just leave the motor out the front – on account of the parking in St Helier being so bad. After the meeting he came out they’d towed his car away and had it crushed! Well I mean..there’s your answer!

He said it was a pity the Nazis hadn’t machine-gunned them all in the war. I thought that was a bit strong. I said ‘Steady on John, that’s a bit strong! They’re English’. He said ‘They’re not! They’re foreign scum!’

I said ‘Look John, they ain’t interested in the likes of you and me. Toff’s with big bank accounts is all they want here’. He said ‘What do you mean people like us? You and me have nothing in common. I’m a respected actor. You’re persona non grata. You wouldn’t be admitted to a public toilet’

Who does he think he is?

davidos-thelastingfragrance said...

Pissing myself. Would love to have been there when they hired in the choreographer for the greek army. "You know the way the germans have their goose step thing, we'd like to take that and really up the ante." "listen honey, Hollywood, broadway, vaudeville, burlesque, I've done it. with those pompom shoes and the right dress we can take this thing to the moon and back baby!"

Matt Pidgeon said...

I hope they're guarding the Greek ministry of funny walks!