Tuesday, August 2, 2011
BY WAY OF DECEPTION, THOU SHALT DO WAR
I’ll never forget my childhood days as a member of the Junior Mossad Intelligence Collection Club. All you had to do was fill out the form in Warlord comic and send it off. Then you’d be sent some little exercises, to prove your worth. You’d be asked to pick a pal, any pal, and turn the rest of your friends against him. I picked Jimmy. Jimmy put me in a headlock for about fifteen minutes once so he had it coming. I nicked my pal Tom’s football and put it under a bush in Jimmy’s garden. Then, two days later, I proposed we build a tree house in Jimmy’s garden and Tom saw his ball there and, hey presto, Jimmy was branded a thief and had no one to play with for the rest of the summer. I was avenged and, when I sent the details off to Israel, Mossad were impressed.
Then Mossad requested I try something more ambitious and add an extra lair to my machinations. So I told my mate Hughie that Tom had confided in me that he suspected Hughie of stealing the ball before it turned up in Jimmy’s garden. ‘And he said you were a right faggot too’, I added for good measure. Furious, Hughie immediately went down to Tom’s house and gave him a very nasty Chinese burn, not to mention the most vicious wedgie I have ever seen.
My friends were completely divided. I was the only one who remained pals with everyone. I spent the rest of the summer calling around to their respective houses telling them things the others were saying about them and sometimes even arranging fights. All this time, they all thought I was a great pal. Mossad thought I was a great little fella too.
Mossad loved me and started sending me lists of specific targets. There was a family of Pro-Palestinian activists around my way and I was given the mission of going out late at night and smearing dog crap on their car door handles with a stick. The family would be up for the school run in the morning and, well, enough said.
Oh there was fantastic mischief to be had. I grew out of it eventually and got into the PR industry. I hear The Junior Mossad Intelligence Collection Club is still going and kids are still signing up. It’s all INTERNET HIGH JINKS these days: publicising incriminating information on undesirables and then saying other undesirables gave you the information as part of a dirty tricks campaign, thereby hitting two birds with one stone. Ingenious lark. I couldn’t keep up with the kids these days. They’ve a bright future ahead of them I’ll tell you that.
Tin foil hats ahoy!!!