Sunday, June 27, 2010


Sit up. Sit up STRAIGHT! And close your mouth. It’s a bit open so close it. Good. I know you. I remember your face, every detail. I’ve seen it so many times. I see it every time you read a book, a comic, a magazine or a blog post like this. Every time you read, I’m looking at you. I’m spying on you from amongst the letters. I’m the Word Monster you see. Maybe you’ve glimpsed me, darting between sentences, peeping out from between the dot and the ‘i’, popping my head over the u-bend of the ‘u’ or from the hole in the ‘o’. I’m the Word Monster and I’m watching you.

I remember you as a child, laughing at Winnie the Pooh. I remember you as a teen, speed reading Erica Jong’s Fear of Flying, looking for the sexy bits, biting your bottom lip in lusty anticipation. I remember you weeping at the end of Jude the Obscure. I remember the blood draining from your face as you turned the pages of American Psycho. I remember the dumbfounded look of disbelief when you tried that one by Cecelia Ahern. I remember all those times and more because I was there, hiding behind the text, peeping out at you, me, the Word Monster.

Sometimes I like to play tricks on you. I rearrange words and letters and completely transform the content of a page or a chapter or a whole book. Ha! Remember the time you went around telling everyone you thought Animal Farm was a powerful indictment of communist Russia? Well, it wasn’t. It’s actually about a young girl who nurses a wounded ewe back to health. Everyone you spoke to about that book thinks you’re a nutter now. And this blog? You think it’s the ravings of an Internet loonie, but you’re wrong. is a blog that dispenses lawn-mower repair tips. It is! I swear! I just change it all around before you log on. I do this because I am the Word Monster. I control all you read and therefore much of what you think and understand . . .and much of what you think you understand.

I have tremendous influence for someone so little. I’ve started wars simply by changing the words on a politician’s auto-cue. I’ve ended relationships and lost people jobs by altering the content of their emails. I once changed an email title from ‘Won’t be able to make it to the golf on Saturday’ to ‘I’m f***ing your Wife. LOL!’. I’m the Word Monster and I’m watching you. Watching you consume my words, the big thick head on you. You’ve entrusted so much of your insight, frame of reference and belief to literature only to have it screwed around with by me, the Word Monster!

Oh, and just in case you’re thinking of telling other people about this post and how it reveals my existence, don’t bother. This isn’t the blog post anyone else will read here. This post is actually about how to safely prevent blade clogging in the Bob Cat Predator Pro model.

So, now you alone know. I’m watching you. I’m manipulating you. I’m the Word Monster!

Happy reading!

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