New God?

I find the idea of cosmological, moral and existential uncertainty too frightening to deal with so I am seeking psychological solace in a deistic security blanket. In short: can anyone recommend a decent God I could worship?

Ideal candidates would have no blood on their hands so that takes all the major franchises out of the picture. Also, I don’t want to feel bad about having a winky. (The very fact that I refer to it as a winky is, I feel, telling.) So, a non-winky hater would be nice and one who also doesn’t hate women for being winkyless or hate them for having fun bags. In fact, a God that actually has fun bags might be cool. One that’s a bit more Ursula Andress in She than Charlton Heston in The 10 Commandments.

I’d also like God to do magic tricks but not mean ones with locusts and pillars of salt, more Derren Brown type tricks. I understand that there will have to be a few rules for me to ignore or embrace depending on my mood but as long as the main rules are things like ‘thou shalt not eat someone’s brain’ or something I’d never do anyway that’s fine. Finally, I know that this God will have no sense of humour (they rarely do the old Gods) and I’m fine with that because kidding around serves no purpose other than to potentially cause disrespect but can I laugh at other religions? I also wouldn’t mind a decent baddie. The Devil is Ok I suppose but I’d prefer some kind of robot monster or maybe a guy with a steel claw hand. Overall, it’s the fun bags that will be my main deciding factor. Any suggestions?