Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Universal Expansion Explained!

The Universe came from the Big Bang. BOOM! An explosion from an infinitesimal point. A less than infinitesimal point in fact. Like with all explosions, everything is expanding out from the point origin. In a normal explosion, debris is initially expelled into the air with enormous force and speed. The further the debris travels from the initial point of the explosion, the more the force of the explosion wanes, slowing the debris' expansion. Eventually the debris comes back down to Earth. Give or take a bit of gravity, the same logic should apply to the expulsion of the Universe from the original point of the Big Bang. Universal expansion should slow down and eventually come to a halt and this is called Maximum Entropy or something. BUT!!! It seems that the further the Universe expands from its point of origin the more it speeds up??? Most baffling! Top boffins put this acceleration down to the existence of Dark Matter. When you ask them what Dark Matter is they say don't know, so saying it is down to Dark Matter is really just a fancy way of saying 'we're in the dark'.

NOW! Fugger (this blog, the people's blog) can reveal the true reason why the Universe's expansion is accelerating. The reason is thus: The Universe was not pushed out from a point of origin that expended incredible force, no, the Universe was pulled from its point of origin by an incredible force. The Universe is expanding because it is being pulled toward something not pushed away from something. 'But what is pulling the Universe Mr. Fugger?' I hear you ask in pitiful alarm. Well, I'll tell you (and don't worry, it's not Daleks or anything). . .

The Universe was originally pulled from its infinitesimal point of origin by a kind of cosmic forceps. This all took place in an area beyond the Universe, just as it is beyond our comprehension, just as the delivery room of a maternity ward is beyond the comprehension of a new born infant. Indeed, the Universe itself is only in its infancy. It has only just been separated from its umbilical cord and is being dangled upside down and slapped on the back. At the time of my typing this, the Universe is just a bewildered bawling baby, sloppy with afterbirth, and growing all the time. It is growing upwards and downwards, outwards and inwards, across and to either side. Other, older universes, those that delivered ours, are looking at our Universe and saying: 'Aw, how cute, I hope it doesn't grow up to be a dick'.

And, you know what? The Universe may indeed grow up to be a 'dick'. It all depends on what ideas it gets into its head, what notions it fosters. And that is where we come in. This part is partially up to us because we are the Universe (a very very small part but a part nonetheless). The contents of the Universe are not just corporeal, physical, tangible things but also intellectual. The Universe is as much ideas as it is planets and stars and rocks and water and tables and chairs and orange peels and hot water bottles, etc. Possessing intellects, it is up to us to contribute to the intellectual contents of the Universe and maybe that is something you should bear in mind the next time you go spouting crap, telling lies, disseminating hate-speech, spreading gossip, taking a job in public relations and generally being a 'dick' because if you are a 'dick' you make the Universe a dick and that is real entropy, or something, probably.

Jeziz, these mushrooms are really beginning to kick in now. Don't put on The Butthole Surfers, they freak me out when I'm like this.

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