Letters to the Editor

OK, things have gotten out of hand and I've been forced to send strongly worded letters of complaint to both the Times and the Herald concerning this previous post and the post directly below this one .


Here is the letter I sent to The Irish Times:

Madam,
I would like to join intellectual dreadnaught John Waters in his lamentation of John Charles McQuaid’s Ireland, an Ireland where the young respected their elders. It may be unfashionable in these days of rap music and political correctness to assert the old adage ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ but, in light of recent events, unfashionable I must be.

I live in a peaceful coastal town. We are a respectable community that plies its trade during the summer months ensuring visitors feel at ease, enjoy their chips and have ready access to change for the slot machines. Welcome as these revenue generating visitors are, I wish to take issue with the behaviour of their offspring. Our gentle community has recently become besieged by levitating children in disturbing animal masks who worship Satan and have the power of telekinesis. These children have taken to floating into our homes in the dead of night and rearranging furniture in a topsy-turvy and somewhat poltergeist like fashion. Now, this may be all the rage in the cosmopolitan Educate Together crack dens of Dublin, where I presume these children originate, but here we call it trespassing or, worse still, haunting.

As if that wasn’t enough, these paranormal bowsies have taken to reviving the dead from the local cemetery and sending them bewilderedly staggering into the town. I myself received a knock on the door and opened it to discover my late Aunt Dotty in a confused state of advanced decomposition. I brought the poor dear in, gave her a cup of tea and then drove her back up to her final resting place and reburied her. She took some convincing when it came to getting her to lie back in her coffin and let the soil cover her up. The experience was more than a little distressing for both of us. I can still hear her muffled wails as I pass the graveyard on my way to Super Value. The hoodlums are there too of course, revolving in the air above the church, pointing down at us and laughing. Our parish priest, one Father Jim Fondle, did intend on having ‘words’ with the youngsters but, as you will note from the enclosed photograph (blog readers see above), things did not go well.

The authorities seem intimidated by these little monsters and become strangely withdrawn when requested to address the situation. I have been in touch with social services and they are currently endeavouring to track down the parents. Incidentally, should not these juvenile occultists be back at school by now as holiday season is over, or is school attendance considered ‘square’ by the wife-swapping sodomites of D4? . . . but I digress.

As a perpetually persecuted and neurologically beleaguered victim of PC Ireland, Mr. Waters would no doubt concur when I say that the time has come to call a halt to the libertarian social experiment of recent decades. An experiment that has given rise to such evils as rampant drug abuse, gay marriage, strident women, levitating Satanic children and Montessori. Would this rot have set in had we not lost sight of McQuaid’s Ireland?

I’ll finish my missive with a suggestion, perhaps we should introduce the birch like they have on the Isle of Man? I saw some pictures of the Isle of Man in a brochure once and not one levitating, animal headed, devil worshipping delinquent was to be seen.

Is mise le meas, yours in indignant outrage, etc.
(Name and address with editor)

And here's my letter to the Herald:

Dear Herald,
Your paper is deadly and I think we should hit kids with sticks.

Cheers lads,
(Name and address with editor)

Now, as letters to the paper so often are, that should put a stop to things. Otherwise we'll have no alternative but to talk to the mother directly.

They cannot stop us sing!