AH, WE WERE ONLY CODDING YOU!

 (pictured above: the planning committee) 

Tomorrow you’ll wake up and eat and leave your building and find the whole world, everyone in the world, standing outside your front door. We’ll all be there, everyone, from all over the globe, rich, poor, famous, infamous, anonymous, all the people who read this blog and all the people who don’t. We’ll all be there and we’ll all be laughing at you. We’ll be laughing and pointing at you because you fell for our trick. The big trick we were all playing on you, yeah you, and you alone.

‘What trick?’ I hear your trembling mind inquire. Well, all of it really, the whole thing. Take money for a start. You don’t think we really use money do you? Jesus no, that was just a trick we were playing on you since you were born. Why would we use money? Look at the problems it causes, all the inequality, the starving people exporting food, all that madness. We were a bit surprised you went along with it actually but what were you to do I suppose. I must say, you did seem to like money at times. Anyway, we don’t use it. We don’t spend money because we are just given things and we don’t earn money because we just do things for each other. It’s a lot less complicated. That money trick got out of hand. I mean the markets, did you really think that was for real? Ha! Not at all.

Nationalism was just something we made up too. Why would people bother with that when you think about it? Patriotism? Good Lord, that would be absurd. What difference would it make where you’re from? Why would you base your identity on that? Why be so tetchy about it? And the violence! It’s nuts. It’d be like everyone with red hair having their own flags and marching about firing guns. Funny though, you seemed to get a bit patriotic yourself at times. You even stood up for that awful tune we decided to pretend was your national anthem. We used some of the worst musical compositions we could find as the anthems. For the laugh, y’know? Pompous dirges. Some of us were worried you’d cop on that the nationalism thing was all bullshit because the tunes were so bad but no, when you heard them you didn’t cop on, you stood up.

You stood up in church too. You stood up and sat down and knelt. Do I even have to tell you that religion was part of the gag? I mean, did you even look at the Pope and all the other crowd in the mad clothes, talking shite? How did you fall for that? I thought that part would be the giveaway myself. We took the idea of religion from a horror novel one of us wrote. He also came up with the idea of empires and wars and so on and we decided to trick you into thinking all that was history or the ‘news’. The news, Ha! The planning committee had some laugh coming up with that shite every day let me tell you.

I hope you’re not pissed off with us though. It was just a joke and you coped with it pretty well. I mean, considering the corner we painted you into and the world we forced you to endure, you didn’t crack up and behaved like quite a decent sort all things considered. I mean, you may not have done much to change things but you didn’t exactly endorse them either and you treated those close to you with decency and respect. Well, most of them. You were a bit of a shit to Chris Darcy while you were in school but besides that you were OK.

Yeah, I’m sorry. The joke went a bit far and we didn’t know how to stop it. It all got out of hand and we feel really bad about it now. I mean, we don’t really do bad things. Don’t get me wrong, the world isn’t perfect. There is still suffering. There is still illness and bereavement and lost love and jealousy and all that. People do disagree and fight and let each other down but we usually muddle through. Nothing ever ends in a war like we pretended. People usually make up and if they don’t well that’s a pity and they just agree to ignore each other but they don’t go killing each other or launching attack drones and all that. Ha! God, the stuff we came up with. What must you have been thinking at times? Anyway look, we’re sorry. We won’t do it again. Relax and have a beer. No, put your money away, it’s free. In fact you can throw that money in the bin. That’s all just pretend shite. You look a bit confused. You look a bit devastated. Sure, don’t worry about it anymore. It was all just joke. You may have got a bit attached to the way things were but it was all just a joke. Trust me, it’s much nicer in real life. You’ll find out tomorrow morning when you leave the house. We’ll all be there, all of us, pointing and laughing and all saying in unison ‘ah, we were only codding you’ and then you’ll see how things really are and how they should have been all along.

2012 PREDICTIONS: What’s To Come!!!

(pictured: supposed evidence thieved from Muddd.com)

Master of the Urban Arcane, Fugger has been looking at his crystal bollock and here is what’s to come in the year ahead:

Ratzinger will die this year. They’ll wrap his corpse in Liberace’s finest dressing gown and fuck it on the back of a camp looking chariot thing. Then they’ll ride it around Rome for a few hours.
* * * *
Enter a less austere and more TV friendly Pope who swears he’ll cut down on the opulence and pomposity, liberalise a few core things, and quit the international kiddie fiddling ring. ‘Baby, I can change’, he’ll swear . . .but it’ll all come too late. No one will care anymore. In late 2012 the Catholic Church will amalgamate with the beleaguered comic publication The Dandy (Hey Kidz, it’s The Dandy: now incorporating the Roman Catholic Church) and, come 2013, both will have gone under.
* * * *
Fidel Castro will also pass away. A ceremony in Havana will see his beard being removed and placed upon the chin of his brother Raul. Raul immediately announces that a chain of Footlockers is to open throughout the republic.
* * * *
You know that Duke of Edinburgh fella? Yeah, well he’s brown bread too. RTE presenters will wear black armbands for a week.
* * * *
In a late attempt to challenge him for the presidency, Donald Trump will accuse Barack Obama of being a sasquatch/human hybrid. However, Trump’s sources will turn out to be flawed. The truth being that Obama is not an actual sasquatch but did once wear a Swatch watch. ‘Well, Trump was kind of right’, Fox News will insist.
* * * *
Upon finally realising that the neoliberal beast is dead, financial technocrats will drop the fiscal defibrillator. ‘We’ve lost him’, they’ll say. Everyone will conclude that China is the new global economic leader but they’ll turn out to be as big a fuck up as the rest of them. Then everyone will panic and have a war or two or maybe three or maybe even a World War Three. The media and posters on politics.ie will be all for it but the rest of us will think it’s a shit idea.
* * * *
A Mayan calendar inspired death cult will pull a huge Jimmy Jones type stunt and everyone will be shocked for a bit, for about two days anyway. Then there’ll be jokes about it on the internet and a few conspiracy theories as to what really went down, the usual stuff blaming the Illuminati and Spar.
* * * *
Amongst all this something really unprecedented will unfold, ultimately eclipsing all else. It will be as if reality has shifted and we will, all of us, see humanity and the world we inhabit in a brand new way. It will be paradigmactic. It will be truly massive. It will put all other historical events into the shade. It will be the game changer. People will not laugh or weep but merely stand there with their mouths agog. It’ll be a bit like when your sweet old granny died and you were clearing out her house and found all that white power paraphernalia under the stairs. Remember that? Sure you do! It’ll be like that only multiplied by loads and fuckin loads. People won’t know how to react. There won’t be any jokes about it on the internet. There will be a long pause. A drawing of breath and then. . .

. . .RTE will commission a new series of Celebrity Bainisteoir and then. . .

. . .the world doesn’t end.

Pope Expresses Shock at Murphy Report Findings

They were at the kids you say? Interfering with them like?


(Falls silent, strokes chin)

That’s Awful. Seriously now, that’s terrible altogether.
. . . I had no idea.
I mean how could you? Who’d have dreamt?
Ah no. It’s very discommoding to hear that.

(Momentarily loses self in thought)

And did no one contact the gardai no? And what happened? Were there arrests? No? That’s awful. The poor kids. No one believed them at all? . . .shocking.

(Another reflective pause. Inhales. Sits up a bit and speaks assertively)

Well, there’ll be words I’m telling you. I’m not having this carry on, oh no. This is a shocking state of affairs. Did they not listen to Jesus at all?

(Sighs. Slumps back into seat. Falls silent again, stroking chin. Mumbles something. Gets to his feet. Wanders to window. Gazes out for a spell. Produces Ten Major from pouch in robe and lights one up. Turns. Quietly asks aide to bring two more sherries. Returns to seat.)

I’ll tell you what. Leave it with me. Give us a bit of elbow room and I’ll get things back ship shape. I’ll get the lads to reconnect with the words of our saviour and that kind of thing. That should stop all the funny business. How does that sound? Have we a deal? I’m as shocked now, . . .seriously, . . .I’ll be needing this sherry I tell you.

(Gulps down sherry. Discretely nods to aide. Aide escorts everyone from the room. Puts feet up. Reaches for digital remote control. Selects Sky Sports. Watches WWE wrestling event.)

HOLY BUY OUT!

Garganex Corp. CEO, Howard Garganex.

Garganex Chemicals Corp. has bought out the Catholic Church.

Due to scandals involving the harbouring of demented sex criminals, market insiders have long believed the Vatican to be merely dragging the once lucrative Jesus franchise through the mud. Needless to say, shares have plummeted. However, like an ever vigilant carrion bird, the Garganex Corporation has swooped down.

The advantages of this new acquisition to the Garganex Corporation are many. The riches of the Vatican bank are an obvious windfall, not to mention the rights to all of the characters that appear in the Holy Bible. You can soon expect to see Noah, Moses and even Jesus Christ advertising Garganex related goods. The Pope, former CEO and money-changer in chief of the Catholic Church, said that he is happy with the buy out as it provides him with the revenue required for a multitude of out of court settlements. These settlements will save his holiness from a long term in prison for facilitating the world's largest ever paedophile ring. 'It's a liberation really,' said Pope Benedict, 'now we can quit wasting time pontificating about theological mumbo jumbo and spend more time doing things we really enjoy, like putting the boot into the queers, all that stuff'.