LOL?

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who got shipwrecked? He wrote ‘LOL’ in the sand to attract the attention of passing planes. Geddit? He wrote ‘L.O.L.’ instead of ‘S.O.S.’

Are you laughing? Are you? I doubt it. I doubt you're laughing and if you are you shouldn’t be. That man died on that island. To make matters worse, after his body was recovered, a stonemason (also dyslexic) engraved the letters ‘L.V.F.’ into his tombstone where ‘R.I.P.’ should be. The grave is in a cemetery that's close to an extremely nationalist housing estate and the tombstone gets defaced on a regular basis. It's very distressing for the poor dyslexic shipwrecked guy’s family and acts as proof, if further proof be needed, that existence is God’s sick joke and we are all the punch line.

LOL?

The LOL Equation MK 2

I’m a bit uninspired today. I can’t think of what to write. Mmm, let’s see, what do I have for you. Eh, I bought some cheap biscuits in Lidl earlier. Not bad tasting. Um, and, oh yeah, ever notice how Lidl is always empty until you get to the check-out and there’s a huge queue? Yeah, mad isn’t it? Um, let’s see, what else. Mmmm, . . .dee da dum, ta dee dee dah. . . Oh yeah, I’m a bit worried they’re going to increase the management fees here. Yeah. That’d be a bit, um, crap. . .

OK, look, this obviously isn’t working out and I’ve other things to be doing. No really I do. I swear. I need a bath for a start. I think I’ll hand you over to my computerised blog post generator. I’ve fixed it up so there shouldn’t be a repeat of THE LAST MISHAP.

Right, I’m turning it on now. It’s humming. It’s coming to life. Fingers crossed. Here goes. Enjoy. . .

TITLE: RANDOM THOUGHTS...

MAIN BODY OF TEXT: Hello again Readers.

Needless to say, I like gardening so my favourite website is politics.ie because there are lots of vegetables on it. LOL!

Also needless to say is that films are rubbish these days so they should change the name of the cinema to the binema. That’s BINema, as in ‘rubbish bin(ema)’. LOL! Did you get it? Did you LOL? You should LOL! LOL Now! LOL! LOL! I command you, LOL!

I see the Arts Council have awarded Cathal O'Searcaigh some money for a new van (pictured above). ‘It’s not much but it suits my needs’, said the celebrated bursary hunter yesterday. Needless to say, the insinuation here is that O’Searcaigh is a predatory paedophile. That is LOL! LOL Now! LOL! You will LOL! All Hail LOL! YOU MUST AND WILL LOL! PRAISE LOL FOR I AM THE LORD OF LOL AND YOU WILL DO MY BIDDING! LOL! LOL! LMFAO! OMFG! NEEDLESSTOSAY! LOL! ROFL! PAED0101110100101001PHILE^PWNED+ I-AM-THE-LOL-THY-GOD{LMFAO ~ RATFLMFAO^BFF < LAWL ‰~ OMG¬ E=MC²101000101000100010101001110101001. . . BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Ah, Jesus. What’s happened now? I go away for two minutes and you break it again. What did you do to it? You’re too demanding. Christ, do you know how long it took me to set up? Now, let’s see. Good Lord, what was it saying to you? This is worse than the last time. Look, just go away. Give me a bit and I’ll see what I can do. Really though, it’s not looking good is it? It looks like I’m stuck with providing these twice weekly brain farts myself. Sod it, maybe I should just give this machine to Twenty Major. He could probably make some use of it.

The LOL Equation.

(pictured above: Fugger's lovely staff at work generating gags)

I really want to keep this blog regular but it’s hard work at times so I’ve invented a machine that generates posts. It’s a kind of quantum computer that works on the basis of a system I call The LOL Equation. It’s pretty smart, if I don’t mind saying so myself. I like to think of these generated posts as the contributions of my very own LOL Hadron Collider.

Here’s the first of the computer generated posts. It should be similar in style and nature to the usual stuff but probably a bit better. Right, I’ll leave you in the device’s capable hands. Enjoy.

TITLE: SEXTING

MAIN BODY OF TEXT: Hello readers. Sexting is the sending of risqué SMS messages. Needless to say, it can cause inconvenience if you send a sext (text) to the wrong person. For example, you could possibly send the following communiqué to your mother: “I have a lovely big knob”.

Needless to say, a sext (text) of that nature would be meant for your sister. An added inconvenience would be if the information comprised in your sext (text) was false and you did not, in actual fact, have “a lovely big knob”. Needless to say, your mother would know this.

Needless to say, there would be red faces around the kitchen table come teatime let me tell you readers and needless to say-LOL + ROFL {{LMFAO ~ RATFLMFAO^BFF < LAWL ‰PWNED ~ OMG¬ E=MC² 101000101000100010101001110101001. . . BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Jesus, the thing’s on fire . . .OK, obviously still some bugs to be ironed out there. I’ll try and sort it for next time. My apologies for any distress caused. I wasn’t expecting that kind of content myself to be honest. Not really appropriate behaviour really, least of all from a machine. LOL?

THE LAUGHTER OF CONSENSUS

I don’t like laughter. I don’t like it at all. I mean, what’s so bloody good about laughter? The sound is horrible for a start, somewhere between a shriek and a cough, and your whole body shakes uncontrollably. Your body shudders and you’re making this desperate sound. Your head tilts back and you can’t breathe even though your mouth is wide open. It’s effectively a seizure your having. Your eyes close too, so you are rendered blind for the course of your laughter. It’s nothing short of a nightmare. Think how vulnerable you are when you’re laughing. You’re easy pickings. Imagine, for instance, that you are sitting on a park bench eating your lunch and something makes you laugh. There you are convulsing, shriek/coughing, struggling for air, head tilted back, mouth open and temporarily blind. Anything could happen. A rough youth from the inner city could approach you and kick you on the shin and you’d be unable to defend yourself. A demented badger could bound out from the undergrowth and make off with your sandwiches. Worst of all, a dirty pigeon could swoop down and shit in your open mouth. Laughter is a fool’s game.

Every time something makes me laugh I feel manipulated and violated. To cause laughter is an act of aggression. To reduce another individual to that helpless state is akin to spiking their drink. Furthermore, laughter is often caused by observations that imply an absurdity to existence. Existence is not absurd! A lot of people went to the bother of evolving from apes and forming societies to put some structure on existence. To laugh is to spit in the faces of these people and their selfless efforts. Laughter is the weapon of the subversive, the anarchist, the mad man, and it should be resisted at all times. When you laugh, you not only let yourself down, you let your entire species down.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not against a bit of levity and would even risk saying that there’s a certain form of laughter to which I subscribe. This form of laughter is called The Laughter of Consensus. The Laughter of Consensus is the laughter elicited by witty quips, the type you hear on TV chat shows or used as ice-breakers in formal settings. The Laughter of Consensus serves a purpose. It lets everyone know that you are in good spirits but not about to let things get out of hand by permitting coarse hilarity to spill out all over the place. Like an obedient dog, The Laughter of Consensus is summoned as easily as it is dismissed. Why not give The Laughter of Consensus a try. Try it now, it’s easy. All you have to do is smile and say the words ’ha, ha, ha’ in quick succession. Actually say the words, don’t go making the sound of the other laughter. Just say ‘ha, ha, ha’. Did you do it? Why not? Seriously, do it now. Have you done it? Did it work? So, you see, that is laughter done properly. That is the laughter of the even-keel, the steady ship, the laughter of the man or woman behind the wheel of their own destiny and not the laughter of the flailing buffoon in need of immediate sedation.

To recap: laughter is a sinister/primitive energy and to succumb to it in polite company is tantamount to standing up at a dinner party, undoing the zip on one’s trousers and proceeding to urinate all over the silverware, plates, and glasses. It’s just disgusting really.
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