(pictured: Garda pal Boyler)
I'm a great fan of the Gardaí and would be more than happy to help them with any inquiries but I'm not sure it’s right for them to be hacking my emails. I expressed my concern to the justice minister and he told me to inform the relevant authorities. I asked him who the relevant authorities were and he said that the relevant authorities were the Gardaí. I asked him if he really thought that was a prudent action to take and he said he did. I said ‘what about if I tell the Ombudsman instead?’ and the minster just laughed.
I didn't fancy going to the Gardaí to tell the Gardaí that I suspected the Gardaí of reading my emails so instead I went to see Boyler. Do you remember Boyler? You do, Kieran Boylan. Yeah, mad bastard he was. He’s doing grand. He’s a big name on the international haulage scene apparently. Anyway, Boyler is pretty tight with the Gardaí so I asked him if he’d have a word with them. He said he was heading to the station to get his passport renewed the next day so he’d see what could be done. He also suggested I might make a gift of a few bottles of whiskey. ‘They love to have a bit of JD around’, said Boyler, ‘they keep it out back where they store the old Heavy Gang tool kits, lost penalty points and Kerry babies conceived by heteropaternal superfecundation.’
So, I went to the offie to pick up a few bottles and then I headed up to the station to make my offering. ‘Did the McBreartys serve you these after hours?’ I was asked.
‘No, I …no …I just wanted to….’.
‘Wanted to what?’
‘Wanted to let you know that I appreciate the job you are doing and I…’
‘…and that you killed Sophie Toscan du Plantier?’
‘No, Jesus, no, take it easy, Christ.’
‘You killed Christ?’
‘You heard him lads.’
Well, I’m now doing a stretch for deicide but the good news is that the Gardaí annual arrest quota is through the roof. Apparently one God killer is worth several hundred drug busts. I’m really not sure what I’m doing here but, in a funny way, I’m glad to have helped the Gardaí with their inquiries. As Boyler said when he dropped in to visit me last week, ‘it shouldn't be long before that crowd from the Ombudsman Commission take a similar attitude’.