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Sunday, October 3, 2010

FUGGER 101


As far as I can make out, this blog has reached its 101st post. What better time to look over what has been achieved here and consider why it should continue. What is Fugger’s appeal? What is Fugger’s purpose? These are the questions burning up the blogosphere and it‘s high time they were answered. Consider the following QandA a kind of Fugger 101/mission statement. OK, got that? Good. Now read on. . .

Q: Why should anyone read Fugger?

A: Because every post on Fugger is chock-a-block with jaw-dropping/endorphin rousing insights/narratives, cunningly fashioned in such a way as to incite the reader (i.e. You) to grab life by the throat and wring its neck. WRING ITS NECK whilst roaring, ‘I’ve got you now you fucker, yield to me, yield to my wants and desires!’ Reading Fugger makes you all you can be. It brings out the best in you. Have you ever noticed the way those who don’t read Fugger are the sorriest pieces of shit you’ve ever met in your life? I rest my case.

Q: Hmm, right, so is reading Fugger enjoyable or, um, . . .scary?

A: Both! Reading Fugger is like sword fencing a worthy but villainous opponent upon the roof of a speeding train. He seems to have the upper hand but then you spot an oncoming low bridge beyond the cur’s shoulder. You duck down. KERSPLAT! The evil one is vanquished and you are victorious. VICTORIOUS! You then climb back down into the train and have sex with every single passenger in every single carriage (except the kids and those too elderly or infirm to withstand your carnal vigour). This is what it is to read Fugger. Fugger is the stuff of LIFE! Life as it should be lived! Both challenging and gratifying!

Q: So, just make it as clear as you can for me, what is the purpose of Fugger exactly?

A: Fugger is more than just a blog. Fugger is a fearsome Sergeant Major smashing down your bedroom door in the early hours yelling, ‘up and at ‘em trooper!’ To read Fugger is to be kicked hard in the ass by no less than God Almighty him or herself (or perhaps itself, should God turn out to be some sort of robot or super intelligent plant or something).

Q: But what if I don’t believe in God?

A: Well, God believes in you and God believes you need a kick in the ass soldier.

Q: Um, . . .okaaaayyyy then.

A: ‘Um, okaaayyyy then’ is not even a question, it is a snide insinuation. Snideness is for those too weak to partake in direct confrontation and Fugger has NO time for that sort of thing.

Got that? Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and defrost my fridge.

2 comments:

Archie Templar said...

I find it interesting that you mention those who read Fugger and those who don't as I now separate the world into these two groups and in the many social interactions I partake in on a daily basis in my position as raconteur-for-hire and high class Children's Entertainer it is this distinction that results in either a staunch fist salute, clicking of the heels and the obligatory freemasonesque handshake or a derisory snarl and a ptooey of phlegm into the eye of the Untermensch scum that considers a life without Fugger a life even worth living.

Fugger said...

That's the spirit Templar. I've heard about your top-notch toastmastery and how, upon realisation that a particular guest is sans Fugger, you can deliver a gob into a bowl of soup from an astonishing distance.