(Pictured: two members of the establishment to the rescue)
I hear the Taoiseach and ministers are awaiting the go ahead from IBEC re: the implementation of profit making flood relief ventures. It is proposed that water charges be introduced as an incentive to those with water logged homes/work-places to return said liquids to their (newly) privately owned places of origin or face financial penalties. This will 'incentivize' floodees to not just spend their time floating around the place on lilos expecting the exchequer to bail (pun unintended) them out. As the Taoiseach put it himself, 'Everyone's a winner'.
In addition to this measure, Cardinal Desmond Connell has been appointed to head up a National Emergency Flood Response Action Force Committee. This committee includes AIB's robust fiscal dynamo Colm Doherty and other luminaries of good governance, such as various members of The Knights of Columbanus and/or Opus Dei. 'It'll be like Thunderbirds but without the actual Thunderbirds', suggested the Taoiseach.
'Legitimate' needs will also be dealt with via the altruistic issuing of vouchers that will go 'some way' toward covering the cost of life-jackets from participating outlets. The vouchers will be awarded to means tested parties after they present the required documentation (utility bills, proof of address etc.). Soggy documentation will not be accepted going forward.
'We've set aside €67 for this now, so we're serious', mumbled the Taoiseach.