UNBELIEVABLE EH?

People believe what they want to believe even if they know, deep down, that what they believe is entirely unbelievable and that they don't actually believe it at all. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it is more efficient to believe the unbelievable or perhaps it is advantageous. Either way, belief seems largely to be a matter of choice.

Let me explain why I (choose to) believe this:

A few months ago myself and a few mates (Corbo, Duggie, Phlegmo, Aine Manning and her fat sister whose name escapes me right now) staged a chemical attack. We rented the gymnasium at the local recreation centre and took footage of ourselves weeping and wailing over sheets with bunched up coats, bags and cushions arranged under them so as to make the sheets look like shrouds draped over dead bodies. We made it so that some of the 'bodies' were smaller than others, like little kids. We put on a pretty good performance. Then we uploaded the footage to the internet saying that it was a recording of a chemical weapon attack in some hot country. I'm not sure what hot country we picked but it was one of those places they mention a lot on the telly.

Well, let me tell you, there was a right 'to do' altogether. Our video went viral and got on the news. Some people said that the footage was staged and didn't even originate in the hot country, pointing out that two of the people in the video were wearing O'Neills Dublin tops (oops, messed up there). Luckily these doubters also suspected that we were members of the Illuminati or giant lizards or something so no one took their suspicions seriously. In fact, most people chose to consider the footage genuine so as not to be associated with the nutters that didn't. World leaders bought it too and went on the telly saying that it was unacceptable for such a thing to happen and threatening to bomb the hot country in question, which I'm not sure would have helped but anyway...

Next came phase two of our experiment. We released a second video on the net that featured us pulling back the sheets to reveal that there were no bodies under them and just a load of bags and cushions and that. It was always our aim to demonstrate to the world how easily it could be duped – for the LOLs like, you know - and this is where it got interesting. Imagine our surprise the next day when the world's media reported that the hot country in question had developed a weapon that could transform people into bunched up coats and bags and cushions. The 'international community' (whoever the fuck that is) demanded that the hot country surrender its 'Clothes/Bag/Cushion Tranformo Weapons', which, of course, the hot country couldn't do because it didn't have any such weapons and no such things even exist. Inevitably the hot country was bombed to shit and lots of other videos appeared online featuring the grieving citizens of the hot country weeping and wailing over shrouds. This time no one was wearing O'Neills tops and this time there weren't bunched up coats and bags and cushions under the sheets, no, there were actual bodies under there. These videos didn't get anywhere near as many hits as our original one did. That's when I realised that people believe what they want to believe.

The hot country was continually bombed to such an extent that the entire place was turned to dust and then the searing heat of further bombings melted that dust into glass and then that glass cooled and the whole place was turned into a gigantic skating rink, the largest ever, and people from all over the world travelled there and paid top dollar to enjoy themselves and myself, Corbo, Duggie, Phlegmo, Aine Manning and her fat sister whose name escapes me right now bought shares in the skating rink going forward. Oh, and I got a job with a massive public relations firm.

Unbelievable eh?

Join me next time for more of this compulsive bullshit.

I AM NOT A LIAR, I AM A WIZARD!

The scientific method is considered the most disciplined means by which to discover the 'truth'. Science is also thought of as the banisher of superstitious beliefs in 'untrue' things such as magic. Ironically however, it is through science that I, Professor Fugger, have discovered that magic exists. Let me explain...

The laboratories of the Fugger Institute have recently been researching if fizzy drinks are harmful to children. Coincidentally, this research is sponsored by a fizzy drinks manufacturer. The fizzy drinks manufacturer offered its financial support on the condition that the institute discover that their product is in no way harmful to children. The Fugger Institute accepted this offer despite knowing that it would corrupt the integrity of its findings. The important thing is that the institute continues its research and if this is to be the case then money is required. It's a small lie in the cause of a larger truth. The larger truth will also be for sale though, just as all truth is ultimately for sale to the highest bidder.

You might say: 'for shame Professor Fugger, you're a disgrace to all scientific endeavour' but you would be missing an important factor - the ultimate factor. You see, the very first discovery of the Fugger Institute was that there is no 'truth'. We used beakers and test tubes and microscopes and large colliders and nomothetic and idiographic questionnaires and put rats in mazes and gave monkeys electric shocks and there wasn't an inkling, not one iota, not a single particle of truth to be found anywhere. All is perception and objective fact is a fallacy. In short: the truth does not exist. So, if the truth doesn't exist then selling the truth is making money out of nothing and making something out of nothing defies the principle of mass conservation and is therefore magic. Q.E.D.!

( I have forwarded the Fugger Institute's findings to all media outlets, public relations firms, political figures, and cash strapped academics so as to counter any unnecessary qualms or pangs of guilt on their part for lying and/or obfuscating the 'true' 'facts'. I am sure this will be appreciated by the parties concerned in the unlikely event of said qualms or pangs actually occurring. )

You've probably already heard that we've stopped wearing lab coats down the institute and started dressing in pointy hats and capes with stars on them. We've quit using all the regular scientific apparatuses too and taken to waving wands about and throwing eyes of newts and the like into bubbling cauldrons. You should drop down. It's great craic altogether. We've even had the words 'alakazam, alakazoo' engraved into the plaque at the institute's entrance. The commissions are flying in. I'm working on a study right now that is set to prove that cigarettes are good for bone calcium – sponsored by Philip Morris International. Hey presto – another load of dosh out of thin air!

Now, repeat after me – 'I am not a liar, I am a WIZARD! ...going forward.'

EOGHAN HARRIS: Ideological Escort Service

(Image and gag above, courtesy of Salvo)

Eoghan is very willing to accommodate clients and is well-versed in a veritable Kama Sutra of perception management techniques. Favourite position: the Doggymatic Position. Speciality: transposing the qualities of mythic heroes onto floundering and somewhat flawed public figures. Once likened Brian Cowen to an ancient shogun warrior or something.

Eoghan enjoys casting aspersions and spreading slander. He also enjoys star chambers, select get togethers, influence and intimidating ‘UCD types’. Eoghan dislikes the masses, the genuine application of democracy, facts and freedom. Eoghan laughs loudly at his own jokes. Being a swinger, Eoghan will gladly swing from FF to FG and back again.

Contact Pimps: Independent News and Media or MI5.

Testimonial: ‘Made me look like a trustworthy human being or tried to at least. Thanks Eoghan, you’re a total ledge!' Ahmed Chalabi.