I have tirelessly trained and run in
the most competitive of races with the greatest of athletes and, on
the cusp of victory, I have slowed my pace to ensure I finish last. I
have prepared the sweetest tasting meals in all of culinary history
and put them straight in the bin. I composed the most stirring
musical composition that ever would've been
heard had I not performed it on only one occasion,
in a remote and unpopulated vicinity, with my ears plugged so even I
would not hear it. Every single time someone wins a lottery and does
not claim the winnings, it is me. I painted the greatest painting
ever painted and then I painted over it. I wrote the greatest work of
literature anyone would've ever read had I not rewritten it so that
every word was 'shiteballs'. I then retitled the piece 'Shiteballs'.
I have invented things that would have changed humanity's course for
the better had I not placed them in a locked safe and hurled that
safe into the core of a nuclear reactor. I have also learned the
ultimate truth and when people ask me to share it with them I tell
them a lie.
I have done all these things because I
am The Contrary Man. I have devoted my life to mastering the art of
living and then denied myself and the rest of you the fruits of my
talents and knowledge. This is my ultimate revenge on the existence
that has been foisted upon me and upon us all. An existence that, for
many, consists largely of suffering without explanation. This
compulsory existence is the ultimate injustice and my greatest
achievement is to deny the challenges set before us by learning to
overcome them and then not overcoming them. I have even discovered
the secret of immortality only to cremate it and when I breathe my
last I want to go to the afterlife and I want God to look at me and I
want God to ask me 'why?' and I want to relish the look of
incomprehension on God's face.
This will be my victory but the effort
has not been an easy one. In the struggle there is a small amount of
satisfaction. I have learned to love the meaninglessness of it all
and I have learned that the most tragic failure, when executed
correctly, is the greatest triumph. I have come to understand that
the only finishing line that matters is death and even that doesn't
matter very much in the dribbling staccato overwhelming context of
this, ...whatever this is.
