THICK CRIMINAL

Do you remember the time we kidnapped that millionaire's kid and it took you ages to write the ransom note because you thought it had to rhyme? You're some thick. And you kept calling it a ramson note too didn't you? You did. You thick.

And then you kidnapped yourself, remember that? You kidnapped yourself and sent a 'ramson' note to yourself demanding that you send all the cash you have to yourself to get yourself back. You thought that if you paid yourself all the cash you had to get yourself back you'd double your money. Jesus God in Heaven, you're an unbelievable simpleton.

And do you remember that time we were planning to burgle a house and you said we should burgle my house because I had loads of nice stuff? Unbelievable. You even told me when not to be in to make sure we didn't get caught. You complete dope.

And then there was the time we robbed that bank and after they handed over the money you immediately tried to open an account with the bank to put the money in. Remember that? You said it wouldn't be safe walking home with that amount on us. 'What if we're mugged?' you asked. 'There's loads of criminals around these days,' you said. 'Even we're criminals,' you pointed out. Jesus Lord MacFuck.

Then there was your counterfeit money scam but instead of using forgeries you used real money because, as you actually said yourself, 'it's more realistic'. Remember that? Remember how pleased you were with yourself for coming up with that one? And you said your favourite part of the plan was that you couldn't get caught because you weren't doing anything wrong. I was lost for words that time, absolutely lost for words. It reminded me of the pyramid scheme you set up with you as the only member. Remember that one? You said you couldn't lose.

Honest to God, how you ever got to hold a ministerial position I'll never know.

O'DREARY

Another tribunal is afoot. It's being planned right now. They're calling it the tribunal to end all tribunals, the ultimate tribunal, the tribunal's tribunal, Tribunal the Barbarian. Its official title though will be the O'Dreary Tribunal, as it will be chaired by Judge Donal O'Dreary. The tribunal's aim will be to find out, once and for all, who it was exactly 'banjaxed the nation'. It is said that suspects will undergo thorough interrogations. However, an avant-garde approach in truth seeking will see the suspects being referred to as 'clients' and the interrogations being called 'chats' and the 'chats' not being all that thorough. No need to be adversarial I suppose, you catch more bees with honey.

The clients will drop into Donal for chats (receiving generous financial compensation for the time taken to do so) and it is hoped that a culprit or culprits will be identified during the course of these chats so that something might be done maybe going forward you never know like.

A valid concern expressed by one of our nation's leaders is that 'it was probably a hape of lads that did for lovely old Ireland' and that to identify these 'lads' by name would be 'commercially insensitive' as it would dissuade this self same 'hape of lads' from investing in 'lovely old Ireland' again.

Do not worry though, a solution to this dilemma has been devised and it is a solution that is typically Irish in its lateral cunning. The hope is, you see, if you follow me now, ...the hope is that the suspects, I mean clients, will put their interrogation, I mean chat, wages, I mean compensation, back into lovely old Ireland and reinflate the property bubble, I mean market, going forward.

That's the idea anyway. Unless, as Judge O'Dreary pointed out himself, the culprits turn out to be Travellers. 'If it turns out to be a bunch of dirty knackers that wrecked the place', said O'Dreary from the doorstep of his Killiney home, 'I'll come down on them like a ton of bricks. A TON OF BRICKS!'