THE GUARANTEE

The following is a transcript of what I told the banking inquiry about the part Fugger played in the events leading to the blanket guarantee.

'Why did we guarantee the banks? Well that's quite a question. A fierce question altogether it must be said. Absolutely fierce hard to answer, but I'll give it a go and I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to make up some guff and pepper it with all the lingo like liquidity and all that. No. I'll be straight with you. I'll tell you the truth. The truth of it is that it's a mystery. A pure mystery. It's like a strange event. Life is full of strange and mysterious events isn't it? It is. And this is one of those events. Very much so. Very strange and mysterious. Fortean in nature, I'd even say. Truth is, we're not sure why we did it. It just kind of happened and to be honest we barely talk about it anymore. It upsets us. It was an extraordinary experience y'see and not in a good way. Not in a good way at all. It's like this, imagine if you and a few of your pals were on the way home from the pub one night, a night like any other night, or so you'd be thinking, but then a spaceship kind of thing appears and you get zapped up into it and there's aliens in there and they start sticking things up your hole for a bit and then they drop you back. Well, the whole guarantee thing was a bit like that. If aliens grabbed you off the road and started sticking mad science fiction objects up your arse you wouldn't talk about it would you? I mean, you'd be upset about it. You'd be kind of ashamed of it maybe and you might even wonder if it even happened. Well, that's what it was like for us, y'know. When I look back on that time, I usually can't really remember what happened at all. All that comes to mind is a beady eyed little monster fella sticking a mad yoke up my hole and that's my answer for you. That's what I have to say. We guaranteed the banks because it was like an alien putting something up your arse and it was very confusing and distressing and I don't want to talk about it anymore. So, we'll leave it there if that's alright with youse.

Now, tell me, can a fella charge for expenses showing up at this thing?'

The End (of Irelend).

A GREAT WHITE SHARK ON THE BLACKBOARD

A pilot fish swims at the mouth of a great white shark so it can feed off the scraps that fall from the shark's jagged teeth. What is a pilot fish without a great white shark? I'll tell you what a pilot fish without a great white shark is - a pilot fish without a great white shark is a very hungry fish. A starving fish.

Now, imagine the shark was a bit of a silly billy and got a bit greedy and ate up all there was to eat in the sea and there was nothing left. What would happen then? Well, for a while the shark and the pilot fish would feel very fat and happy but eventually the shark would become hungry again and so would the pilot fish. There is nothing to eat! What are the shark and pilot fish to do? Well, it's quite simple. Some of the pilot fish should offer themselves and swim into the great white's mouth while the others remain to eat whatever remnants fall from the great white's gob. Selecting which pilot fish get eaten would be up to the pilot fish but I'd imagine the weaker ones, the ones down the back, furthest from the shark's mouth, would be incentivised to offer themselves first. Persuasive statements like: 'it's time to don the pilot fish jersey' and 'it's your aquatic duty' would be thrown at the weaker pilot fish and, despite emitting little grumbles and leaving a few snarky posts on pilotfish.ie, into the shark's mouth these fish would go. Better to be dinner than have no dinner, right?

Pilot fish are greedy but the great white shark is greedier. The great white shark is the greediest of the greedy and, ultimately, pilot fish respect him for this. Pilot fish wouldn't have to resort to self-sacrifice in times of scarcity if they were as greedy as the great white and not just as greedy as each other. Greed is strength.

Greed is strength and that is what we should teach kids in school. Draw a great white shark on the blackboard and tell the children the truth. Even if it isn't really the truth we may as well say it is because we act like it is. Because we act like There Is No Alternative.