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I read an op-ed about a breaking international incident and agreed with it at once. With great haste, I found myself in total and utter concurrence. I instantly tweeted as much. I rapidly put a link on Facebook. There was no time to lose. Things were happening fast and I didn't want to get left behind. 'This fucker's trending like a boss', I said to myself.

I made up my mind before my mind even had a chance to make itself up. My parietal and frontal lobes hadn't even talked things over before I'd adopted an opinion. There was no time for deliberation. I wasn't about to miss out on this potentially historic multi-platform event. Things were rolling live. Click farms would be going into overdrive. Retweets would be ricocheting throughout the net for the entire afternoon and maybe into the early evening. The game was afoot and I'd picked my side. You have to be on one side or another side otherwise you're in no man's land and getting shot at by both sides. I fought bravely and amassed a few favourites and got a lot of 'likes' from people who agreed with me or thought they should agree with me or were worried they'd stand out if they didn't agree with me. I paraphrased Graham Linehan and tweeted it @stephenfry. I didn't get a 'reply'. Then the season premier of a new HBO show came on so I hashtagged the fuck out of that baby instead.

I'm a foodie. I'm an atheist. I'm a Dylanologist. In the future, when our descendants look in their history books for the typical person who bore witness to the end of civilisation, they'll see my selfie. Me in my beanie, a beardy, wearing a Livestrong wristband and swearing to #GetKony.

TRENDING IN THE RELIGIOUSPHERE

(pictured above: ‘Hi God’)

I used never know the words to prayers. Especially the big long ones you only ever heard at mass and didn’t learn to say in school or before you went to bed at night. I used just make up my own words and mumble them along with the congregation who were often making up their own words too in the hope that it would result in one big agreeable sounding murmur. Effectively we were all making up new prayers and this is grand because prayers are just made up things anyway and not the word of God.

Most prayers are not from the Holy Bible, although they often include quotes. Instead, prayers are things that originate centuries after the New Testament and have often been changed over time to incorporate some new elements and drop some others. For example, the bit in the Hail Mary about sending ‘all the gayers to their eternal damnation’ was removed in 1987 and the bit about Mary being ‘really good at billiards’ was added in 1993.

Anyway, here’s a prayer I have invented. I’m kind of hoping this one catches on as I’m keen to pay tribute to the Lord my God and also hope to be paid royalties every time it’s said on the radio or in movies etc.

GOOD GOD MY LORD IN HEAVEN

Good God my Lord in Heaven

dissuade us from happiness

And all things wanton

and Lord bless us and save us.

And let us not stray down paths unrighteous

or accommodating of sin

Are you receiving me?

Thank you Lord for the harvest

and the beasts of the field

and all we put in the dinner

and thanks for dessert and for fizzy drinks.

Thank you Lord for letting us partake of this Bounty

and Mars and Curly Wurly and Kit Kat

If that’s quite alright with you.

Blessed be your house Lord

and all the classy stuff that dwells within it

And give us comfort in our prejudice

By the power vested in you

and that of Greyskull

I now pronounce you man and wife

and fair dues to you Lord, it must be said.

Over and out.

I think that’s a fitting tribute to the man upstairs and ask that you teach it to your kids or your nieces and nephews or whoever you can get your hands on. Let’s see if we can get this thing ‘trending’ in the Religiousphere.