AH, THE WORLD’S GONE MAD!

(pictured above: troublesome British youths. I’m not racist or anything but note the black)

See those riots in England? I blame the parents. You can imagine them can’t you? Cheap jewellery and tracksuits. The type that keep telling passers by to ‘jog on’. They’re too lazy to leave the house and go earn a wage so they send their kids out to loot places like MFI and Debenhams. ‘Bring us back some perfume and a Blue Ray DVD player and some loo roll and a Walls Viennetta and a packet of fags’, they tell the kids and off the kids go. I reckon the police should climb on the roofs of their houses and put snakes down the chimney. I’m serious. All kinds of snakes: rattlers, cobras and even massive things like boa constrictors. Then, when the parents come running from the house because of what’s slithering out the fireplace, the cops on the roof should drop anvils on their heads. Yeah! You read it right! Anvils! Like you see in the cartoons. Right on their heads. That’ll sort the parents out. That’ll stop them moaning about the ‘yoof centre’ being shut down.

I put that on politics.ie earlier today. The lads agreed with me. Then we started talking about unemployed people in general. KingsInns666 said they should be made sign on the sex offender register to get their dole. The shame would act as an incentive to find work. Not a bad idea that.

And there was another interesting thread on there started by StraightTalkinIreland (a very astute poster IMO). It was about the blacks setting off Chinese lanterns on the Luas. Did you hear about that? They do it for the laugh like. FOR THE LAUGH! I’m not being racist or anything but they probably get a Chinese lantern allowance from the state. Paid for with OUR TAXES!!!

Ah, sure what’s the point going on about it? No one’s listening anyway. No one listens to common sense anymore. The world’s gone mad.

CLASS WAR!

It was time to start the revolution so I put on my Slipknot t-shirt, headed into town, and spray painted the words ‘Class War’ on a bus shelter.

Lo and behold, next thing I knew, the working classes were out on the streets waving baseball bats and shovels. They were chanting the mantra ‘Class War! Class War! We never thought of that before!’ and headed uptown to where the richies live and control the media and all that type of thing.

Speaking of the media, I suddenly found myself surrounded by journalists and camera crews. They were all roaring questions at me:
‘Do you really think Class War is the solution?’
‘Are you prepared to take responsibility if someone gets hurt?’
‘Do you know where we can get some decent coke?’
I didn’t answer any of their questions. Instead, I pulled my t-shirt up over my lower face, flipped the camera the bird and shouted ‘OLD LADIES, WE’RE COMING FOR YOU!’

The old ladies thing worked a treat. It was on the news that night and all over the papers the next day. ‘Rioters Threaten Nice Old Ladies!’ No one minded when the law put the boot into the revolutionaries after that. Feeling betrayed, demoralised and quite ashamed, the multitudes that rose up the day before returned to their homes that evening. I was back in my flat long before them, taking a call from the secret service.
‘Well done Mr. Fugger, you’ve released the pressure valve. Has to be done from time to time. Should stop Joe and Jenny Pleb getting any fancy notions for a while. The cheque is in the post.’
I put the phone down, put my feet up and listened to my Angela Lansbury Reads the Poetry of Matthew Arnold CD, relaxing in the knowledge that I was on the winning side.

‘And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.’

Ah, . . .sweetness and light.