NAUGHT TO FREEDOM

The primary measure of a man (and perhaps these days a woman too – who knows?) is his ability to drive. Although important, the quality of a man's car is secondary to his ability to use it. Third in importance is a man's home. A man's home is a place where he can watch cars on television. After these things comes a man's job. What does he do? Is he in a prestigious profession? Perhaps he does something he loves, like selling cars. He drives his car to work where he sells cars to earn the money to pay for a home where he can watch cars on television. This is the contented man. This is a proper man. This is the car man.

Others perambulate along the jagged winding pavements of their civic existences trying not to trip on the cracks, stand in the dog crap or lose their way. But the car man never falters or sullies his person and the car man always knows where he is. He is in his car. He has his hands on the steering wheel. He has his feet on the peddles. He is in control. As long as he is not in a traffic jam, the car man has peace of mind. The car man is content. Society is designed to accommodate the car man. Roads are cut into the Earth like whip welts so the car man can drive through them on his way to work or on his way home from work or on his way to God knows where.

You know, I bet God is a car. I bet God's eyes are shining headlights that look right into your soul and judge your driving ability, your measure as a man. I bet God's mouth is a grinning grille and I bet God's voice sounds like a revving engine. God loves the car man and the car man loves God because every time the car man drives he is 'Nearer My God, to Thee'. Oh yes, the car man is God's favoured son and, although the car man is as boring as fuck to have a conversation with, the world belongs to the car man and, despite the fact that his car is his cage, the car man is free. Naught to freedom once the pedal is to the metal. Or at least it feels like freedom and isn't the feeling enough? Isn't life all about how you feel?

NUUUURRRRR BRRRR or BAD IMAGINATION

 
After writing the previous post I got to thinking; we should rebel against the Observer Effect (explanation: once observed, a wave function transforms into teeny weeny particles that combine to make up our universe – Why? Who knows?). It’s high time the mystifying tyranny of quantum physics was resisted. For too long this subatomic dictator has kept us in the dark as to the workings of our reality. We are the ones who have to inhabit reality so I think it only fair that quantum physics give us some answers. All we know is that for something to exist it must be observed. Well, let’s use that paltry knowledge to strike back.

‘But how Mr Fugger’, I hear you whinge in a high-pitched and frankly pansy-like way. I’ll tell you how. If the principle is that things must be observed to exist then let’s start observing things that don’t exist. Example – say you don’t have a car. Well, tomorrow I want you to leave your home, pretend to open a car door, pretend to put a key in an ignition, put your hands on an imaginary steering wheel, make a car-like noise (like ‘nuuuurrrrr’ or something) and drive to work. Sure, you’ll look like a total fuckin’ eejit but it’ll be one in the eye for the quantum bastard. You’ll be breaking the only law of this befuddling reality that we can get a purchase on. Quantum physics has been confounding us since we first discovered it. Let’s have our revenge. Let’s drive imaginary cars. You might feel a fool but soon everyone will get in on it and we’ll all be nuuuurrrrring up and down the road in non-existent cars. We’ll even be nicking these cars from each other and reporting it to the police who’ll pursue the culprits in equally unreal automobiles (whilst roaring ‘mee maw, mee maw’). The subatomic world won’t know what to do with itself. We’ll show it that we can play silly buggers too. Maybe then it’ll start yielding some answers and show us the way out of the existential maze it has us all lost in. You’ll be able to have any type of car you like too and not just the banger you drive around in now.

It won’t stop there of course. We’ll be adding imaginary extensions to our houses. Dropping imaginary kids off to imaginary schools before going to an imaginary gym and then doing an imaginary day’s work. We’ll walk imaginary dogs. We’ll watch movies that were never made. We’ll read books that no one thought to write. We’ll sunbathe in the rain, swim on the sand, and build sandcastles in the sea.
‘Mmmm, this ice cream is delicious.’
‘Really, what flavour is it?’
‘Whatever damn flavour I want it to be.’
Just think of the liberation. We’ll all be Gods! Personally, I’m going to build a rocket out of nothing and head off to the outer reaches of nowhere. Fwoosh!


Now, some might argue that we already have the power to make the non-existent real. These people might say, for example, that if we get the idea that we want a nice car we can design one and build it or that we can save the money for it and, hey presto, there it is. These people might say that reality is made from ideas and that ideas come from nothing. These people might say the quantum deal is a pretty sweet one. These people might argue that my proposal lacks pragmatism and that you can’t treat people in imaginary hospitals or go to sea in an imaginary boat. But these people, (and by ‘these people’ I of course mean The Mother and her insufferably argumentative nature) are appeasers. These people are willing to hone the expertise and do the labour required to make something out of nothing but that is just willing slavery to my eyes. These people (a.k.a. The Mother) are willing to endlessly toil in the quantum mystery order as long as it awards them petty material compensations and a certain sense of stability but I say ‘No!’ I say: ‘No, The Mother, this is inequality and it will not stand.’ That’s what I said to The Mother yesterday as she made the Sunday dinner. Then she put an empty plate in front of me. ‘And what do you call this?’ I asked her, hungry as I was. ‘Whatever you like’, she said, all smart, and then she wandered off to the other room to watch an episode of Midsomer Murders that had actually been made - as opposed to 'made up'. Outraged, I stormed out of the house and drove off in my imaginary car. Nuuuurrrrr.


A funny thing happened though; I ran out of non-existent petrol and broke down on an imaginary motorway. I tried to ring the imaginary services on my make believe mobile but the bloody thing was out of pretend credit. I had to sleep the night in the imaginary car. No matter how many imaginary blankets I pulled over myself, it was bleedin’ freezing and I caught a non-existent cold. I should have known something like that would happen. I always did have a bad imagination. Brrrrr.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
Everyone will try to get on TV
and they will get on TV
in a show on TV
about them trying to get on TV.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
People who are overweight by 120 pounds
will repeatedly spend 120 pounds
in failed attempts to lose 120 pounds.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
People will avoid getting old
by acting like they are young
and end up seeming older.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
We will use shops for parks
and parks for car parks.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
A dog will bark at a postman
so the postman will sue the dog’s owner
and then the dog’s owner will sue the dog.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
A nation of child killers
will condemn another nation for child killing
and they will go to war
and kill more children.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
Everyone will worry that there will be no tomorrow
but there will be a tomorrow
and everyone will worry more than they did the day before.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
We’ll give kids lots of toys
and then resent them for having too many toys
and kids who never had any toys
will spend all day making the toys.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
Everyone will have their say
but no one will have anything to say
except for what they’ve been told.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
Everyone will drive cars
and spend most of their lives in cars
driving to and from work
to pay for their cars.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
Everyone will own a house
that belongs to someone else
who owns lots of houses
that belong to someone else.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
Everyone will have lots of money
because everyone will owe lots of money
but no one will have enough money to pay the money back.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
People will belong nowhere
and nowhere will belong to people.

IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW:
The great void will spill forth
and eat up all matter
and replace it with antimatter
and no one will even notice
that there’s anything the matter.

And that is how it will be. And that is how it is. Today and every day, IN THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.