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Monday, May 26, 2014

FUGGER SYNDROMES


(Advertising Feature)

We define ourselves in many different ways – our gender, our race, our nationality, our religious beliefs, our sexuality, our political ideology, our hopes, our past experiences, our disabilities and our ailments. The latter is a great one to latch on to if the others don't really appeal. Ailments garner a lot of sympathy but it's a kind of sympathy that lacks the patronising attitude the disabled have to put up with. You can seem really interesting when you suffer from some rare and exotic ailment that has all kinds of novel symptoms people can ask you about while giving you sad eyes, gently patting your arm and telling you how brave you are.

Sadly most of us aren't ill and just have to get on with being 'well' and going unnoticed but things need not stay that way. Thanks to our retroactively diagnostic crypto-medicinal approach, you can now choose an illness from an exciting new variety of diseases and infections. Browse our catalogue and check out what's on offer. Pick your ailment and then get on with suffering from it. Tell friends and family that you're a victim of Sticky Bits Fever, Cardio Spasmodic Defenestration, Gastric Scheduling, Lumpy Jumps, The Klank, Polycystic Linoleum, Heteronormativechromia, Panty Cramps, Gumpy Pie, Dobson's Prompter, Phibsborough, Hemorrhoidal Telekinesis, Farage, Complexia, Shiteyitis, Cacktheria, The Macarena, Poofter's Elbow, Stegosaurus, Bimbles, Drunken Caddies, Recurring Brunch, Fidgety Gadget, Wibbly Wobbly Wonders, Fuzzy Felt, Yahtzee, Buckaroo, Mouse Trap, Scalextric, Monchhichi Cough, Xtra-vision or the dreaded Stargate SG-1 to name just a selection.

Once you've decided what you've got, a member of our staff will promptly infect you with it and then diagnose it. Bear in mind, you will now be sick but you'll also have something to define yourself by and isn't that what we all seek in life, no matter how it is attained, no matter what form it comes in, no matter what the cost? And, yeah, our services do cost a bit but we'll get to that later.

Friends and family alike will regret the day they ever took you for granted when you produce the Chronic Certificate you were awarded by your nearest Fugger Syndromes outlet. Wave your certificate in people's faces and roar: 'see, I'm sick, I'm fucking sick now go get me a blanket and a nice bowl of soup'. Watch as everyone hops to your every command. The greatest wealth will be your ill-heath! You'll never feel better than when you started feeling sick!

Fugger Syndromes – we're almost nationwide and spreading all the time.

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