Saturday, November 23, 2013


I have a little black kettle and four large white mugs. How many of the large mugs can the little kettle fill? The answer is all four and the best part of a fifth - if I had a fifth, which I don't. I know all this because I carried out a test. I donned my lab coat and I did the research. I've looked into other things too. Which sells better, a good book or a rubbish book? I gathered the data. I put the data in the Datalizer and the Datalizer shat the results out on my Knowledge Carpet. I examined the pattern on the Knowledge Carpet and the answer is a rubbish book. Rubbish books sell better than good books. The same principle applies to films, music, all art in general, human beings and, somewhat strangely, biscuits. Price difference might account for the latter. I'll have to add that factor to future computations.

These are the kinds of activities that take place at The Fugger Institute. It is here that I and my team search for answers and it is here that we get results. The Fugger Institute is a hub of discovery and invention. It was The Fugger Institute that developed the The Quorak Curve. The Quorak Curve gives an entirely representative representation of entirely representative things. Very useful if you want to represent something or see something represented. We also facilitated Professor Benjamin Wellum in his development of the now famous Wellum's Theorem, a theorem that clearly proves that Wellum had a theorem. Another of my favorites is The Randomizer. By throwing random things together randomly, The Randomizer does random things, producing random results. It's very reliable. In fact, the randomness of The Randomizer is, statistically speaking, the least random thing in the Universe. This indicates that we inhabit a reality that is fundamentally ironic and probably taking the piss. Now, if I can get reality to take this piss on my Knowledge Carpet so I can view the pattern it leaves, I might just discover the key to all of space-time. Wouldn't that be nice?

Amongst our more recent inventions and thought experiments is something we call The Intention Hat. The Intention Hat is an uncomfortable hat that gives everyone who wears it the same intention. That intention being the intention to take the hat off. You may consider these results obvious but to us they are fascinating – fascinatingly obvious. Why are things obvious? That is what we are really looking into here. What is obvious? Why are some things not obvious? How can we make everything obvious so that there is no more confusion in the world? Not so 'obvious' now is it? The Intention Hat inspired us to start work on something we call The Obviousualizer. The Obviousualizer will basically be a pair of goggles and when you look through them the Universe will be stripped of its mystery. A member of staff recently donned a prototype and instantly lost his mind so we've got rough edges to sort out there.

Have I mentioned The Neuroticon yet? The Neuroticon is a large catalogue of neurotic conditions that can be instantly contracted just by reading about them. The man who compiled it mentally disintegrated under the weight of his knowledge. Since he completed the catalogue it has never been opened and is kept locked in a safe that no one knows the combination to. However, intrigued by the contents of The Neuroticon, The Fugger Institute is working on the Neuroticon Codebreaker, software that will provide us with the combination to the safe. Opening the safe will of course be dangerous seeing as The Neuroticon is in there so The Fugger Institute is also working on the Codebreaker Virus that will render the Neuroticon Codebreaker inoperable. Needless to say, The Fugger Institute is in the early stages of developing more software that protects the Neuroticon Codebreaker from the virus.

The thing we are working on that excites me most is Love Money. Love Money is not an object but actually a school of thought that intends to replace all the world's currencies with love. Instead of pieces of paper and coins, our fundamental form of exchange will be to treat others as we ourselves would like to be treated. This will help us understand that love for humanity is not some vague hippyish aspiration but actually an innate and pragmatic force that ensures stability and common well-being. Love Money will also prevent the concept of love from being confused with the incredibly pleasant but ultimately selfish and hideously conditional sexual infatuation that is celebrated in American films and popular music.

Another couple of things that can be found at the institute are The Monkey Chamber, a chamber that The Fugger Institute keeps its monkeys in, and Fuzzy Felt.

These last two items are not so impressive and the latter may have already been invented but what the hell, it's great fun and surely that's what it's all about at the end of the day. But what is fun? Maybe we should look into that. It's an interesting question. Hmmm, are games fun? What if they become too competitive and the participants become upset? Is that fun? If not why do it? Some say it's character building but you'd want to be building a pretty strange character. Speaking of strange characters, Benji Wellum proposed that we investigate how many large white mugs it would take to fill my little black kettle. I pointed out that the result would be almost five as a new experiment would merely be the one I carried out earlier in reverse. However, Wellum asked if the reverse is always the inverse of the forward and when I said I wasn't sure what he meant he turned the kettle upside down and concluded that it couldn't be filled at all. As I watched Benji dementedly pour filled mugs onto an upside down kettle, it occurred to me that maybe some minds inquire too much. Can inquiring burn out your wiring? This question is laced with irony because asking it invites the possible burn out the question warns against. I suppose that's reality again, taking the piss.
Hmmm. The human mind. The questions it asks. The lengths it goes to answer them. Then these answers lead to more questions and so on and so on, forever, without end, into the infinite circle and back to where it left off, the very start, the Ouroboros eats its tail because further discovery usually reveals that previous discovery was wrong and so everything must be discovered again. Oh yes, inquiry and discovery, looping, arcing, spiraling in a never ending game. A game someone or something must have invented ...for 'fun'.

'The divine is hidden from the people according to the wisdom of the Lord.'

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