I'm going to make a summer blockbuster that captures the true essence of science fiction. We all know that science fiction is fundamentally about futuristic gadgets and punching people in the face and my blockbuster will have loads of those things. It'll have all your favourite heroes in it too, punching people in the face. It'll start with America being attacked and explosions with people on fire, being crushed and running and screaming and it will be exciting and awful all at once. Then it will cut to Captain Kirk punching a baddy in the face, over and over, in the face, punching him. Don't get me wrong, Captain Kirk won't want to punch the baddy in the face but these will be difficult times and difficult decisions will have to be made so Captain Kirk will punch the baddy in the face, over and over, and he'll enjoy doing it and the audience will enjoy watching it and they will chant 'punch him in the face, punch him in the face' and Captain Kirk will punch the baddy in the face, over and over, because this is analogous to the world we live in today and sometimes, for the greater good, baddies must be punched in the face, over and over, and we must suffer the misfortune of enjoying it. Then Spock will come along and make a suggestion to Captain Kirk. Spock will suggest that they put a photon grenade (a futuristic gadget – this is science fiction after all) down the baddy's pants and blow up the baddy's cock and the audience will gasp because that's really gritty and analogous. Then Uhura will come along and caress Spock and nurture him because he's a man and men must make difficult decisions in difficult times and she's his woman and she's wearing a kind of skintight thing to help with the nurturing and then she punches the baddy in the face too because she is emancipated and a 'bad ass' chick and awwwweeeeeesome. Then Superman comes along and wants to help America as well so he'll pick up the baddy and punch him in the face like Jesus wouldn't but he's still a metaphor for Jesus because Jesus had powers and loved America and probably would've punched baddies in the face in difficult times and was only wrong once – when he lost it with the money changers but we won't mention that and anyway heroes should be a bit flawed and dark and moody. Then Scotty will strip a load of Arabs, I mean Klingons, and place them in a degrading human pyramid and blow them up and shake his head and ask 'why'. Then the Enterprise will head out on a voyage of discovery but don't worry, we'll keep that off-screen and in the next story we'll see them return to America where it is being being beautifully attacked/destroyed in a genocidal/architectural sadomasochistic orgy that can only be stopped by repeated punches to the face for those that cause it. And kids will watch and kids will learn that the Universe is full of perhaps some wonder and maybe a bit of discovery but mainly threat, threat that justifies copious head punching, and everyone will think it is awwwweeeeeesome and everyone will eat massive boxes of popcorn and everyone will shout out the words: 'Fuck You Bradley Manning!' going forward because these are difficult times and we've no option but to make movies about people being punched in the face in 3D. There Is No Alternative!
BBC reveal Jon Pertwee's salad
1 day ago