WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING

There's tremendous relief to be found upon discovering that you were wrong about everything. It's initially jarring, sure, but after that there is a sense of great excitement that everything is up for rediscovery. The boredom of thinking you had it all figured out and things would always be thus vanishes and the world begins again. It's like the reboot of some franchise. It would be good for our jaded species to have such an epiphany, communally. It would both invigorate us and cut us down to size. It would unite us in confusion as we drop our respective dogmas. All that is required is for something remarkable to happen. Something that causes such a paradigm shift that it shifts all the other paradigms into obsolescence. What we need is an inexplicable event. An event that defies all scientific understanding and proves both the existence and nonexistence of God at the same time. What could such an event be?

I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you now. When I was a child, myself and my brother had an argument in our garden. I can't remember what the row was about but we soon stopped fighting when our dog got up on a Triumph 20 and started cycling around the lawn. We never had a disagreement again after that. Everything seemed trivial. That dog brought peace to our household and rebooted both our realities. Maybe the dogs of the world should do similar, at some synchronised time. Some quiet afternoon as people go about their business and international tensions simmer and the rich rip off the poor and people kneel to God and families dine in silence. Imagine the collective gasp if the dogs of the world suddenly mounted whatever bike was nearest and started peddling about and maybe even doing the odd wheelie. World news would broadcast identical events as they occurred globally. Then, as suddenly as they got on the bikes, the dogs would dismount and one would look straight into a television camera and say, 'there now, what do you humans make of that? That's softened your cough for you hasn't it?' And indeed, at last and long overdue, humanity's cough would be softened. The dogs of the world would then resume acting thick and never explain what happened and we'd all be left as we should be, humbled but curious and feeling very much alive. Set free of certainty and happy to be wrong about everything.

JEWS

We can never see or discuss the whole picture. We can only discuss elements of the whole picture and examine facets of the whole picture. We can only manage little pieces. It’s beyond the capability of our comprehension to see how everything connects and adds up to a larger unifying picture. This leads to competing interests and narratives (public sector versus private sector, left versus right, one department at work versus another department at work, your sister versus your brother, all that shit). This is our tragedy. Another innate design flaw in the human being that was probably put there on purpose for God’s amusement. God is a bit of a bollox, as anyone who believes in him will tell you. Those who don’t believe in God believe in Dawkins. Dawkins is not a bollox. He’s just a pain in the hole. But that’s for another day.

So, here we are, unable to see the whole and just left with clashing portions of that whole. This will remain to be the case until we invent some kind of quantum computer that can sort through all the data and show us how everything connects and show us how we can improve our state of affairs in an objective and unbiased manner.

Until then, the world will remain a scary and confusing place. That is why I recommend that you just choose a narrative and stick with it. It can be a dogma or a conspiracy theory or whatever. Just stick with it and be thankful that you have been blessed with the reassurance found in conviction and absolutism. How’s that Get Kony thing going? You could always try that.

As for me, I’ve decided to blame all the world’s woes on the Jews. Jews overall that is, not just a few crazy Zionist types who actually love to be singled out because it confirms their narrative and lets them play victim as they take victims.
‘Ah, it’s the fuckin Jews’, I say when asked about anything at all.
Examples. . .
YOU: ‘Global capitalism is in a terrible pickle is it not Mr. Fugger?’
ME: ‘Well, that’s the Jews for you.’
Or
YOU: ‘The pints here are a bit crap aren’t they Mr. Fugger?’
ME: ‘Yeah, well that’s the Jews y’see. Not cleaning the pipes.’
Or
YOU: ‘My cat choked to death on a furball and I found her dead this morning.’
ME: ‘That’ll be the fault of the Jews, cutting corners on the production of quality cat grooming implements.’
. . .and so on.

I was recently banging on about how the Jews were hoarding the world’s wealth and attempting to enslave the rest of humanity when some know all pointed out that Jewish immigrants were on the frontline of the labour struggles that established many workers’ rights in the last century. What did I do when faced by this contrary piece of the whole picture? I just looked at the know all and said one simple, accusatory, and damning word. I looked at the know all, narrowed my eyes and growled the word: ‘Jeeeeewwwwww’.

Oh, it’s great. I’ll be sticking to the Jew thing until the quantum computer is built and sets me right. The reassurance is second to none. Good luck with whatever bullshit you’re sticking to yourself.