WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING

There's tremendous relief to be found upon discovering that you were wrong about everything. It's initially jarring, sure, but after that there is a sense of great excitement that everything is up for rediscovery. The boredom of thinking you had it all figured out and things would always be thus vanishes and the world begins again. It's like the reboot of some franchise. It would be good for our jaded species to have such an epiphany, communally. It would both invigorate us and cut us down to size. It would unite us in confusion as we drop our respective dogmas. All that is required is for something remarkable to happen. Something that causes such a paradigm shift that it shifts all the other paradigms into obsolescence. What we need is an inexplicable event. An event that defies all scientific understanding and proves both the existence and nonexistence of God at the same time. What could such an event be?

I've never told anyone what I'm about to tell you now. When I was a child, myself and my brother had an argument in our garden. I can't remember what the row was about but we soon stopped fighting when our dog got up on a Triumph 20 and started cycling around the lawn. We never had a disagreement again after that. Everything seemed trivial. That dog brought peace to our household and rebooted both our realities. Maybe the dogs of the world should do similar, at some synchronised time. Some quiet afternoon as people go about their business and international tensions simmer and the rich rip off the poor and people kneel to God and families dine in silence. Imagine the collective gasp if the dogs of the world suddenly mounted whatever bike was nearest and started peddling about and maybe even doing the odd wheelie. World news would broadcast identical events as they occurred globally. Then, as suddenly as they got on the bikes, the dogs would dismount and one would look straight into a television camera and say, 'there now, what do you humans make of that? That's softened your cough for you hasn't it?' And indeed, at last and long overdue, humanity's cough would be softened. The dogs of the world would then resume acting thick and never explain what happened and we'd all be left as we should be, humbled but curious and feeling very much alive. Set free of certainty and happy to be wrong about everything.

DOG

DOGS MAY ONE DAY RULE THE EARTH! Evolutionary biologists have warned that the human race should become more alert to the possible ascendency of dogs to the position of "premier species" on the planet. The U.N. funded Think Tank for Evolutionary Possibilities warned that the more time dogs spend in the company of human beings the more of our tricks they pick up. "Soon dogs won't be just fetching the paper, they'll be writing it," said one think tank member.

It is thought that clever dogs like collies and alsations will probably lead the future canine world while armed forces and law enforcement will comprise of eager pit bulls and impoverished mongrels in search of career opportunities. Poodles will make up the wealthier sections of society (because they look posh) and jack russlle terriers will mainly be employed in trades, such as plumbing etc. It is also thought that the middle classes will consist mainly of labradors and setters and that those annoying little rat-like chiwawa things that keep barking at people (who rarely pay attention to them despite an initial fright) will control the media.

When asked if cats would make a bid to be the top species on the planet a puzzled looking think tank member replied "um, ...they already are, who exactly do you think is calling the shots around here?" He then hurried home to feed someone called Tibbles and make sure the window was left open so she could get in and out of his house with ease.