SWEAR NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN, AGAIN

We don't make history anymore. History just occurs. It kind of spills out all over the place and we have no say in it. History is like a pint that gets knocked over by some really drunk fella. It lands on his lap and makes it look as if he's pissed himself. Sometimes it leaves a stain in the shape of a country.

Nobody is in charge anymore, for good or ill. It's all just cause and effect, but we're not sure what the cause was and we don't know how to deal with the effect. A lot of people are talking but nothing is being said. Most people are arguing about things that may or may not have happened and the factors that may or may not have caused these things to happen or not. I doubt anyone really cares though. Just as long as their opining is heard. As long as they are seen to stand out from the herd ...for whatever reason. No one knows a thing. We are all just caught up in a domino effect and we don't know who pushed the first domino and we can't tell which one will be next to go.

Take the example of ISIS. I really don't know who ISIS are. I don't think anyone does. ISIS themselves don't even know. All they know is that they are history, occurring. They are just delighted to be 'trending'. This is humanity in entropy, where being click bait is the sought after currency. ISIS are like the rest of us but instead of doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, they chop off people's heads. The Islamic Wahhabi state matters about as much to them as whatever charity the Ice Bucket Challenge was in aid of mattered to us. By the way, did we #GetKony in the end? No, I didn't think so. That met a sorry conclusion. Naked on the road, wanking and roaring.

We are all Jason Russell. Remember him? You probably don't. History quickly fades these days.

Future historians will look back at our times and try to figure out what happened. They're going to have to pick their way through an abstract mess. The course of history by Jackson Pollock. A tangle of twine and you can't find where it starts or where it ends. And what an end. Might this be the end? Or is it just a stupid transition? Maybe we'll wake up, like the pissed fella that spilled his pint, and feel a bit disgraced and look out the window and see a brand new day and swear never to do it again.

And then we'll do it again.

And then we'll swear never to do it again, again.

#

I read an op-ed about a breaking international incident and agreed with it at once. With great haste, I found myself in total and utter concurrence. I instantly tweeted as much. I rapidly put a link on Facebook. There was no time to lose. Things were happening fast and I didn't want to get left behind. 'This fucker's trending like a boss', I said to myself.

I made up my mind before my mind even had a chance to make itself up. My parietal and frontal lobes hadn't even talked things over before I'd adopted an opinion. There was no time for deliberation. I wasn't about to miss out on this potentially historic multi-platform event. Things were rolling live. Click farms would be going into overdrive. Retweets would be ricocheting throughout the net for the entire afternoon and maybe into the early evening. The game was afoot and I'd picked my side. You have to be on one side or another side otherwise you're in no man's land and getting shot at by both sides. I fought bravely and amassed a few favourites and got a lot of 'likes' from people who agreed with me or thought they should agree with me or were worried they'd stand out if they didn't agree with me. I paraphrased Graham Linehan and tweeted it @stephenfry. I didn't get a 'reply'. Then the season premier of a new HBO show came on so I hashtagged the fuck out of that baby instead.

I'm a foodie. I'm an atheist. I'm a Dylanologist. In the future, when our descendants look in their history books for the typical person who bore witness to the end of civilisation, they'll see my selfie. Me in my beanie, a beardy, wearing a Livestrong wristband and swearing to #GetKony.

JEWS

We can never see or discuss the whole picture. We can only discuss elements of the whole picture and examine facets of the whole picture. We can only manage little pieces. It’s beyond the capability of our comprehension to see how everything connects and adds up to a larger unifying picture. This leads to competing interests and narratives (public sector versus private sector, left versus right, one department at work versus another department at work, your sister versus your brother, all that shit). This is our tragedy. Another innate design flaw in the human being that was probably put there on purpose for God’s amusement. God is a bit of a bollox, as anyone who believes in him will tell you. Those who don’t believe in God believe in Dawkins. Dawkins is not a bollox. He’s just a pain in the hole. But that’s for another day.

So, here we are, unable to see the whole and just left with clashing portions of that whole. This will remain to be the case until we invent some kind of quantum computer that can sort through all the data and show us how everything connects and show us how we can improve our state of affairs in an objective and unbiased manner.

Until then, the world will remain a scary and confusing place. That is why I recommend that you just choose a narrative and stick with it. It can be a dogma or a conspiracy theory or whatever. Just stick with it and be thankful that you have been blessed with the reassurance found in conviction and absolutism. How’s that Get Kony thing going? You could always try that.

As for me, I’ve decided to blame all the world’s woes on the Jews. Jews overall that is, not just a few crazy Zionist types who actually love to be singled out because it confirms their narrative and lets them play victim as they take victims.
‘Ah, it’s the fuckin Jews’, I say when asked about anything at all.
Examples. . .
YOU: ‘Global capitalism is in a terrible pickle is it not Mr. Fugger?’
ME: ‘Well, that’s the Jews for you.’
Or
YOU: ‘The pints here are a bit crap aren’t they Mr. Fugger?’
ME: ‘Yeah, well that’s the Jews y’see. Not cleaning the pipes.’
Or
YOU: ‘My cat choked to death on a furball and I found her dead this morning.’
ME: ‘That’ll be the fault of the Jews, cutting corners on the production of quality cat grooming implements.’
. . .and so on.

I was recently banging on about how the Jews were hoarding the world’s wealth and attempting to enslave the rest of humanity when some know all pointed out that Jewish immigrants were on the frontline of the labour struggles that established many workers’ rights in the last century. What did I do when faced by this contrary piece of the whole picture? I just looked at the know all and said one simple, accusatory, and damning word. I looked at the know all, narrowed my eyes and growled the word: ‘Jeeeeewwwwww’.

Oh, it’s great. I’ll be sticking to the Jew thing until the quantum computer is built and sets me right. The reassurance is second to none. Good luck with whatever bullshit you’re sticking to yourself.