THE TECHNOCRATS

Do you remember those mad cartoon characters The Technocrats? They were on every Saturday after the ThunderCats. They wore well-cut suits and expensive watches. They always had mildly bored expressions on their faces and pushed their glasses up their noses. They overcame sovereignty with their powers of austerity. At every commercial break, you'd be reminded to stay tuned when The Technocrats pointed at you from the screen and told you to 'stick with the programme!' Ah yeah, The Technocrats were mad. Do you remember them at all?

They had a robot that was the comic relief. The robot was called KEN-E. KEN-E was a clueless sack of mechanical crap that barely worked. The Technocrats were always playing tricks on him. In fairness, KEN-E was a very loyal robot. Even though The Technocrats didn't take him at all seriously, KEN-E would always obey their commands. 'The Technocrats demand my loyalty,' KEN-E would say, 'I must stick with the programme.'

The Technocrats had all these enemies too. Alexis Feckless was the worst. He was always coming up with stuff so he could escape paying his way. He wore a leather jacket with the collar turned up and he had a shiny bald head. He looked really evil in a lazy kind of way. He was terrible. We'd boo and hiss him when we were kids. We all joined The Technocrats Club too. You'd send away your name and address and then you'd be billed for all sorts and sent budgetary advice. They'd tell you how to spend your pocket money and recommend that you sell all your toys to wealthier kids and then rent them back. After a while of renting the toys back you'd run out of the money you made from selling them. Then you'd write to the club requesting further advice and you'd get a letter back telling you to 'stick with the programme!' That's all the letter said. 'Stick with the programme!' This was just advice of course. You didn't have to do what the letter said, but if you didn't you'd be thrown out of The Technocrats Club and no one wanted that. All the other kids would laugh at you. You'd have a bit more pocket money for sweets though.

I'll never forget the shocking final episode when Alexis Feckless revealed that The Technocrats were completely broke. He was a real dick about it. 'You're all broke,' he said laughing. 'I've got the proof and you're all completely penniless and always were. You're all a sham! A complete and utter sham! YOU'RE ALL JUST A LYING, CRIMINAL, TYRANNICAL, SCUM SUCKING SHAM!' Then the show got cancelled so we never discovered how The Technocrats got out of that spot of bother. I'm sure they figured something out though. The Technocrats always came up with crazy plans. Some would say outright deranged plans, completely fucking demented plans. But, whatever happened, The Technocrats always looked like they knew what they were doing. Even if they didn't have the slightest notion what they were at, they always looked like they did. That was their main power. I'm sure they were OK in the end. We never found out though. The whole series was scrapped and I've since heard that every episode was taken and incinerated and the ashes were flushed down a toilet because the people that commissioned the show found the whole thing really embarrassing and shameful. Actually, the animation was a bit shit now I come to think of it. The plot continuity was all over the place too. But when you're a kid you don't mind that stuff too much. You're naive and pretty stupid and you'll accept any hopeless old God forsaken shit that's peddled to you. That's why the kids were so fond of KEN-E. They identified with him. KEN-E liked the reassuring demeanor of The Technocrats. I suppose the robot was comforted by their certainty. No matter what half-arsed bollocksology was afoot, us kids and KEN-E always stuck with the programme. We remained loyal. That is, until The Technocrats show got scrapped, burned and flushed down the fucking crapper where it rightfully belonged.

TRULY IRISH

Ah sure we just can't govern ourselves. We pissed the cash against the wall and outsourced the care of our kids to an ecclesiastical paedophile ring. It's an embarrassment really. Best just to let others govern our affairs. After all, they know what's best for us. They're grown ups. They're more sophisticated than us. Just look at the clothes on them and the way they carry themselves. They have dignified poise whereas we're just a bunch of emotionally damaged drunks staggering about the place. They go to war too. They go to war to protect their interests whereas we just go to war with ourselves. It's not easy going to war to protect your interests. It demands mature deliberation. Can you see us maturely deliberating? No, me neither.

We are certainly disrespected abroad and we are probably hated. It has come time to change that. It has come time to tidy ourselves up. It has come time to have a wash and a shave and do as we're told. The time has come to cop on. And that is what we have done. That's what we did on Thursday. We bowed our heads in supplication and handed the keys of the car back to Daddy before we crashed it again. Some might extend that analogy to point out that Daddy was in the passenger seat, drunkenly demanding we overtake traffic and keep switching lanes, but that kind of talk is disrespectful. Have more respect for Daddy. After all, he's a grown up.

Some of us still live in the past and talk about risings and rebellions but supplication is the game these days. There's no shame in it. We gave the whole independent nation thing a go. We really did. But, you see, there's something wrong with us. There is something seriously wrong with us that we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, that we can't invest in ourselves or have faith in ourselves, or even consider that self-improvement is a remote possibility. We have failed ourselves so many times that we have dismissed ourselves entirely. Quite right too.

We're very lucky that they're helping us out. We should remember that every single morning. Every single morning we get out of bed we should give thanks. They are very kind. We're really not worth the bother. We're as bad as the Greeks. Sure if the Greeks go all that will be missed is a bit of feta cheese and if we go all that will be missed will be the odd sack of spuds.

Let's get serious people. We're a joke. The people of Ireland took the right decision on Thursday for the right reasons. I, for one, am proud of Ireland. For the first time in my life I am proud of Ireland because Ireland has at last realised that it should be ashamed of itself.

Ah the auld shame, now that is what it means to be truly Irish.