MAN UP! HEAD DOWN!

Life isn't to be enjoyed. It's to be tolerated. I think that's undeniable. You can breakdown in the face of this truth or you can man up. If you choose to man up, you get your head down. You get your head down and you get your work done and you pay your way. There isn't much joy in it, but there is dignity in it. Don't be a freeloader. Don't expect anyone else's share. Take care of yourself. It's about competition, not cooperation. The only time you cooperate is to beat the competition. We're all rivals and you know it. Deep down, you know that only too well. Sure, the minus is that no one owes you anything, but the plus is that you don't owe anyone anything. Just get your head down, provide for yourself and try not to die in too much pain.

You see, you've got to be a tough guy in this world because this world is tough, guys. You don't measure the worth of your world with intangible notions like personal contentment and a sense of community. That stuff isn't quantifiable. You don't see that shit on graphs. Community can be best validated by measurable collective economic stability. That way we keep the road to the workplace smoothly tarred. Anything else and you're on your own. You've got to man up and compete. You've got to generate the income to partake of resources. There isn't enough to go around so you've got to earn your share. There's a scarcity and even if there isn't a scarcity, we should act as if there is or else there will be. Got me?

Way back in the way back when, F.W. Taylor knew that internal gratification didn't get us anywhere. He knew that external reward is the way to go. You're not a craftsman, you're a cog, but you're a cog that gets paid a heck of a lot more than a craftsman and shit gets made quicker too. Where would we be without quick shit? Waiting, that's where. It's about efficiency guys. Efficiency trumps all and if you're efficient you get paid more and you can spend your pay on quick shit.

Of course, I know what you're thinking. You're complaining that your income has been cut despite your hard work. If your income has been cut you man up. Work harder! The frontiersmen of old didn't bitch when their crops failed. Oh no. They steeled themselves for a hungry winter and tried again next year. People died, yeah. People die all the time. The cog gets rusty and it's replaced. Big deal. The machine has to keep running and that's all that matters because without the machine, well, without the machine we'd all have to go without wouldn't we? Yeah, we would. We'd all just be spare parts with no purpose. We'd have no reason to get our heads down and we'd have to look up and look around and if we did that then who knows what we'd see. What would we see then? It could be anything. Anything under the sun. The thought is too awful to contemplate. Just get your head down, that's the only way. For the love of God, whatever you do, get your head down and don't look up. Don't look up, just man up! Man up and get your head down!

THE TECHNOCRATS

Do you remember those mad cartoon characters The Technocrats? They were on every Saturday after the ThunderCats. They wore well-cut suits and expensive watches. They always had mildly bored expressions on their faces and pushed their glasses up their noses. They overcame sovereignty with their powers of austerity. At every commercial break, you'd be reminded to stay tuned when The Technocrats pointed at you from the screen and told you to 'stick with the programme!' Ah yeah, The Technocrats were mad. Do you remember them at all?

They had a robot that was the comic relief. The robot was called KEN-E. KEN-E was a clueless sack of mechanical crap that barely worked. The Technocrats were always playing tricks on him. In fairness, KEN-E was a very loyal robot. Even though The Technocrats didn't take him at all seriously, KEN-E would always obey their commands. 'The Technocrats demand my loyalty,' KEN-E would say, 'I must stick with the programme.'

The Technocrats had all these enemies too. Alexis Feckless was the worst. He was always coming up with stuff so he could escape paying his way. He wore a leather jacket with the collar turned up and he had a shiny bald head. He looked really evil in a lazy kind of way. He was terrible. We'd boo and hiss him when we were kids. We all joined The Technocrats Club too. You'd send away your name and address and then you'd be billed for all sorts and sent budgetary advice. They'd tell you how to spend your pocket money and recommend that you sell all your toys to wealthier kids and then rent them back. After a while of renting the toys back you'd run out of the money you made from selling them. Then you'd write to the club requesting further advice and you'd get a letter back telling you to 'stick with the programme!' That's all the letter said. 'Stick with the programme!' This was just advice of course. You didn't have to do what the letter said, but if you didn't you'd be thrown out of The Technocrats Club and no one wanted that. All the other kids would laugh at you. You'd have a bit more pocket money for sweets though.

I'll never forget the shocking final episode when Alexis Feckless revealed that The Technocrats were completely broke. He was a real dick about it. 'You're all broke,' he said laughing. 'I've got the proof and you're all completely penniless and always were. You're all a sham! A complete and utter sham! YOU'RE ALL JUST A LYING, CRIMINAL, TYRANNICAL, SCUM SUCKING SHAM!' Then the show got cancelled so we never discovered how The Technocrats got out of that spot of bother. I'm sure they figured something out though. The Technocrats always came up with crazy plans. Some would say outright deranged plans, completely fucking demented plans. But, whatever happened, The Technocrats always looked like they knew what they were doing. Even if they didn't have the slightest notion what they were at, they always looked like they did. That was their main power. I'm sure they were OK in the end. We never found out though. The whole series was scrapped and I've since heard that every episode was taken and incinerated and the ashes were flushed down a toilet because the people that commissioned the show found the whole thing really embarrassing and shameful. Actually, the animation was a bit shit now I come to think of it. The plot continuity was all over the place too. But when you're a kid you don't mind that stuff too much. You're naive and pretty stupid and you'll accept any hopeless old God forsaken shit that's peddled to you. That's why the kids were so fond of KEN-E. They identified with him. KEN-E liked the reassuring demeanor of The Technocrats. I suppose the robot was comforted by their certainty. No matter what half-arsed bollocksology was afoot, us kids and KEN-E always stuck with the programme. We remained loyal. That is, until The Technocrats show got scrapped, burned and flushed down the fucking crapper where it rightfully belonged.

OBJECTS

There's no one left in the world. No one at all. But the cars still drive and the trains still arrive and depart and announcements still crackle from Tannoy's but from no one's mouth and for no one's ears. Products are still manufactured and sold but by who and to who? Import and export still continues but why? The world still bustles but is simultaneously silent. There's no one here to clean up the dog shit but that's OK because there are no dogs to shit.

An algorithm drives things on and machines fulfil the roles of consumers and producers. GDP is steady and things are running smoothly and does it matter that we are no longer here to witness all this because targets are being met and graphs are looking healthy and wasn't that what it was all for? There is no one here to see what is happening but that's OK because there isn't much to see. There is no longer anyone here to comment but that's OK because there is nothing to be said.

The grass still gets cut.

Dead leaves are swept up.

Healthcare expenditure is nil.

Objects go to the cinema to watch films made by objects about objects being objects and there is no one to complain about objectification. And there's no more of the sound and fury that signified everything. The world is purely utilitarian and every emotional experience is a simulacrum. A protocol. A choreographed imitation. The objects in the cinema laugh at all the right parts. There are no longer any wrong parts. Things are working at last. We finally got there by removing the thing that prevented us from arriving - us.

The tide comes in and the tide goes out and an abandoned tanker bleeds on the horizon. It doesn't matter at all.

MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY

We need some money. Have you got any money? We've run out of money. If we have no money we can't give you money so give us some money. Have you got any money? We're nothing without money. If we have no money then you'll have no money and you're nothing without money. You can't have a home without money. You can't have a family without money. You have no shoes on your feet without money. Education costs money. Health costs money. Justice costs money. You have no rights without money. You are not a proper person without money. If you want to have money you'll have to give us your money. I mean, can you imagine a world without money? There would be no money. You can't have anything without money. Everything costs money. Ideas cost money. Innovation costs money. Self-expression costs money. Art costs money, lots and lots of money. Work costs money and leisure costs money. War costs money and peace costs money. Even air costs money. We have to clean the air by spending money because we made it dirty while we were making money so now even air costs money. Money doesn't make sense so to make money make sense we need to spend money. The problem is money but the solution is money so give us some money because we ran out of money when we were trying to make more money and we need money to make more money to get back the money we lost making money. So it's all about money. We need some money. Have you got any money?

2012 PREDICTIONS: What’s To Come!!!

(pictured: supposed evidence thieved from Muddd.com)

Master of the Urban Arcane, Fugger has been looking at his crystal bollock and here is what’s to come in the year ahead:

Ratzinger will die this year. They’ll wrap his corpse in Liberace’s finest dressing gown and fuck it on the back of a camp looking chariot thing. Then they’ll ride it around Rome for a few hours.
* * * *
Enter a less austere and more TV friendly Pope who swears he’ll cut down on the opulence and pomposity, liberalise a few core things, and quit the international kiddie fiddling ring. ‘Baby, I can change’, he’ll swear . . .but it’ll all come too late. No one will care anymore. In late 2012 the Catholic Church will amalgamate with the beleaguered comic publication The Dandy (Hey Kidz, it’s The Dandy: now incorporating the Roman Catholic Church) and, come 2013, both will have gone under.
* * * *
Fidel Castro will also pass away. A ceremony in Havana will see his beard being removed and placed upon the chin of his brother Raul. Raul immediately announces that a chain of Footlockers is to open throughout the republic.
* * * *
You know that Duke of Edinburgh fella? Yeah, well he’s brown bread too. RTE presenters will wear black armbands for a week.
* * * *
In a late attempt to challenge him for the presidency, Donald Trump will accuse Barack Obama of being a sasquatch/human hybrid. However, Trump’s sources will turn out to be flawed. The truth being that Obama is not an actual sasquatch but did once wear a Swatch watch. ‘Well, Trump was kind of right’, Fox News will insist.
* * * *
Upon finally realising that the neoliberal beast is dead, financial technocrats will drop the fiscal defibrillator. ‘We’ve lost him’, they’ll say. Everyone will conclude that China is the new global economic leader but they’ll turn out to be as big a fuck up as the rest of them. Then everyone will panic and have a war or two or maybe three or maybe even a World War Three. The media and posters on politics.ie will be all for it but the rest of us will think it’s a shit idea.
* * * *
A Mayan calendar inspired death cult will pull a huge Jimmy Jones type stunt and everyone will be shocked for a bit, for about two days anyway. Then there’ll be jokes about it on the internet and a few conspiracy theories as to what really went down, the usual stuff blaming the Illuminati and Spar.
* * * *
Amongst all this something really unprecedented will unfold, ultimately eclipsing all else. It will be as if reality has shifted and we will, all of us, see humanity and the world we inhabit in a brand new way. It will be paradigmactic. It will be truly massive. It will put all other historical events into the shade. It will be the game changer. People will not laugh or weep but merely stand there with their mouths agog. It’ll be a bit like when your sweet old granny died and you were clearing out her house and found all that white power paraphernalia under the stairs. Remember that? Sure you do! It’ll be like that only multiplied by loads and fuckin loads. People won’t know how to react. There won’t be any jokes about it on the internet. There will be a long pause. A drawing of breath and then. . .

. . .RTE will commission a new series of Celebrity Bainisteoir and then. . .

. . .the world doesn’t end.

YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM SO JOIN THEM

Hedge funds, directional funds, nondirectional return funds, credit default swaps, naked credit default swaps, distressed securities, risk arbitrage, crypto derivatives, topple domino commodity profiteering, speculative risk facilitation instruments, junk turkeys, monetary growth/loss manipulation dysfunction, systemic marginalised bond haemorrhoids, quantum fundament cluster fuck exchange spasms.

Hmm. All that complicated banking tomfoolery has made The Market seem a tad unappealing hasn’t it? But worry not. You can still play The Market and keep it simple and straightforward. I, Fugger, the people’s blogger, am here to show you how. You too can be a winner!

‘But Mister Fugger, The Market is callous and evil’, I hear you bleat. Well yeah, so what? Life is not about being nice and neither is The Market. Life is about getting as much as you possibly can and so is The Market. The Market is an inclusive game that anyone can play so quit occupying Wall Street and start making a living there. All other forms of revenue generation are obsolete. Buying is the new working. Selling is the new earning. You can’t beat The Market but you can play The Market.

What you want to do is invest in companies that produce things that are going to be in demand. Take a look at the world around you and speculate on its future, a bit like a science fiction writer would. What’s coming down the line? Right, well, for starters, the world is fast becoming an environmentally degraded shit house. What would people want in an environmentally degraded shit house? That’s right! Breathable air. Buy shares in fresh air. The more polluted the environment becomes the more demand there will be for fresh air. It’ll come in spray cans with names like Mountain Valley Gust and Odeur du Vie. Check and see what corporation is making moves re: fresh air, keep an eye on their shares and BUY BUY BUY!

Right, we’re off to a good start. What else happens in an environmentally degraded shit pile? What do people do? They choke yes, very good, but what else do they do? That’s right! They protest! They riot! (If they aren't doing so already over the bailouts, guffaw!) So, how can we profit there? I’ll tell you how. Invest in batons, water cannons, tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets, tasers, cattle prods and plastic zip tie handcuffs. Find out who makes these things, keep an eye on their shares and BUY BUY BUY!

If riots are coming wars are probably coming. Diminishing reserves of natural resources are going to make nations desperate. There’ll be land grabs all over the place. The towel heads and sand nig nogs (not being racist, just using the terminology of The Market) will be going crazy and they’ll need weapons and all the things associated with weapons. Missiles, guns, armoured trucks, tanks, electrodes, body bags, coffins. The French and the Russians profited greatly during the Iran v Iraq war of yesteryear. Over one million died. Many more millions were made. Remember that! Keep an eye on arms manufacturer shares and BUY BUY BUY!

Once you’ve made enough money on The Market you can start sponsoring election campaigns and that means what you say goes. You’re making policy! You’re king of the world! So, look at what’s around and see what money can be made. Keep those wars coming (there’s no money in diplomacy) and keep those fumes pumping (there’s no money in the oxygen this silly planet provides gratis). Take stuff from people and sell it back to them. Remember, you can only do this if you have bought a politician so find out who’s for sale and BUY BUY BUY!

Finally, buy the media. Seriously, just buy the lot of it. Tell everyone the story of the world and give it any ending you want. Don’t worry about the journalists. They’ll do whatever you say. You don’t even have to pay them that much. They are happy enough with just the attention. So, don’t just go down the shops and buy the paper, no, enter the market and BUY BUY BUY the paper.

Once you own the media you’ll own people’s minds. Just think, you’ll be the majority shareholder in human consciousness. You’ll own the world and the minds of the people who live upon that world. You’ll be a God! Maybe you can be THE God. Let’s face it, that other guy’s stock has fallen. God’s stock has fallen so it might be just the time to BUY BUY BUY!

Praise be to The Market! Hallowed be your name! See? I told you that you too could be a winner. Now get out there and BUY BUY BUY!

There is NO other way! A Brief History of Capitalism.

Capitalism was invented 17 years ago by Reginald Capitalism. When attending a barter market, Reginald happened upon a gentleman who wanted to exchange two piglets for eleven yarns of Reginald's celebrated wool. Instead of this, Reginald proposed that the gentleman give him several circular pieces of brass (that would be provided to the gentleman by Reginald himself at a fixed rate of interest) in exchange for the wool and that Reginald return the pieces of brass for the piglets. Confused and somewhat put off, the gentleman declined to partake of this new form of exchange. However, Reginald's idea eventually caught on and the value of things have since become increasingly free form and experimental, like a kind of economic Bee Bop improvisation by a particularly demented saxophonist who is tripping off his head on acid and trying to exorcise the monkey on his back.

In some quarters, thanks to capitalism, the value of things and the transactions of those things have become so avant-garde that things that don't exist are being bought and sold with imaginary pieces of brass.

There are said to be whirling dervishes in Wall street, ensuring that faith triumphs over reality. Let's hear it for Capitalism!

Straight Talkin'

"I've said it before, I'll say it again. There is no silver bullet to deal with this crisis. It is best to just ring-fence resources and front-load revenue into fiscally sound endeavours with due diligence. "

...rubs forehead and adopts mildly pained expression...

"Let's not change horses at this juncture. A leap from a centre-right/centre-left party coalition to a another centre-right/centre-left party coalition would be far too radical a step to take at this present moment in current time."

...produces pack of Milky Moos from trouser pocket and pops one into gob...

"It's quite simple, the ship is going down no matter who is captain. Let's just make sure the first class passengers board the lifeboats first, ...going forward."