TRULY IRISH

Ah sure we just can't govern ourselves. We pissed the cash against the wall and outsourced the care of our kids to an ecclesiastical paedophile ring. It's an embarrassment really. Best just to let others govern our affairs. After all, they know what's best for us. They're grown ups. They're more sophisticated than us. Just look at the clothes on them and the way they carry themselves. They have dignified poise whereas we're just a bunch of emotionally damaged drunks staggering about the place. They go to war too. They go to war to protect their interests whereas we just go to war with ourselves. It's not easy going to war to protect your interests. It demands mature deliberation. Can you see us maturely deliberating? No, me neither.

We are certainly disrespected abroad and we are probably hated. It has come time to change that. It has come time to tidy ourselves up. It has come time to have a wash and a shave and do as we're told. The time has come to cop on. And that is what we have done. That's what we did on Thursday. We bowed our heads in supplication and handed the keys of the car back to Daddy before we crashed it again. Some might extend that analogy to point out that Daddy was in the passenger seat, drunkenly demanding we overtake traffic and keep switching lanes, but that kind of talk is disrespectful. Have more respect for Daddy. After all, he's a grown up.

Some of us still live in the past and talk about risings and rebellions but supplication is the game these days. There's no shame in it. We gave the whole independent nation thing a go. We really did. But, you see, there's something wrong with us. There is something seriously wrong with us that we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, that we can't invest in ourselves or have faith in ourselves, or even consider that self-improvement is a remote possibility. We have failed ourselves so many times that we have dismissed ourselves entirely. Quite right too.

We're very lucky that they're helping us out. We should remember that every single morning. Every single morning we get out of bed we should give thanks. They are very kind. We're really not worth the bother. We're as bad as the Greeks. Sure if the Greeks go all that will be missed is a bit of feta cheese and if we go all that will be missed will be the odd sack of spuds.

Let's get serious people. We're a joke. The people of Ireland took the right decision on Thursday for the right reasons. I, for one, am proud of Ireland. For the first time in my life I am proud of Ireland because Ireland has at last realised that it should be ashamed of itself.

Ah the auld shame, now that is what it means to be truly Irish.

THE FISCAL THINGY: Q and A

(pictured above: a future services provider. He owes Anglo €833.8m)

Why should we vote Yes on Thursday?

Because we might need money from the ESM!

Where does the ESM get its money from?

Us.

So why don't we just give the money to ourselves then?

Because we haven't got it.

But where are we going to get the money to give to the ESM?

We'll borrow it from someone.

But won't we have to pay it back?

That is probably why we'll need the money from the ESM (insert 'LOL' here).

Um, . . .right. So, where will we get the money to run the country?

We'll cut spending deficit to 0.5% of GDP.

But will that leave us with enough?

Only if we sell off our assets and outsource our services.

Who will we sell off our assets and outsource our services to?

Rich people who owe lots of money to the banks we now own. They will use the money we give them for running the country to pay us back.

But why don't we just keep the money we'll give them for running the country and use it to run the country ourselves?

Because then our spending deficit will exceed 0.5% of GDP.

Well, why don't we just refuse to cut spending?

Because then we won't get the money we need from the ESM.

This makes no sense. We're going around in bloody circles here. Are you sure you know what you're talking about?

I have no idea what I am talking about, no one does, but it's too late to worry about all that now. Just go and vote Yes on Thursday. It's the responsible thing to do.