SIMPLE SPEAK

(Dialling tone)

Hiya. Hiya. Are ya good? Are ya? Grand, grand. C’mere, a bit of straight talkin’, let’s get into the simple speak here like. Listen, there’s more taxes and bill increases and mortgage restructuring and cutbacks on the way like. You’ll be needing to set aside moolah for that so get the fuckin head down and focus on that and don’t be worrying about conversations we had from like five fuckin years ago. Jesus man, the horse has bolted like, suck it up. It was the same like with Allied and Bank ‘passing’ those fuckin stress tests. It’s what’s done like. No point you moaning. It was the fuckin same when we said we forgot the fuckin passwords to the laptops. Do you even remember that? You probably don’t. It was like fuckin two or three years ago. Youse all lost it then, remember? On the Joe Duffy saying we should be waterboarded until we gave up the fuckin passwords like but youse soon forgot. You moved on. You probably moved on to complaining about public sector pay or something at the time like. We were probably IBRCing it by that stage with you paying our wages. Yeah. Fuckin seriously like. But you had your eye on the dummy runner. You always do. We employ people to make sure you do and it fuckin works like.

You think the problem is us like but the problem is fuckin you. You want to be led? You want to be led like? You really do. Well we’ll fuckin lead you. We’ll lead you up the garden path. We’ll lead you and like fuckin shear you and fleece you and fuckin cut your bellies open and reef out your fuckin chops like. You talk big but you do shit like. You haven’t got the chops and the fuckin ruck inspectors in Central haven’t the chops either. They do what they’re told like, like you like so, ya know, the outrage, it’s like, so fuckin what? Just zip it and pay what you owe or pull your own strokes and get the fuckin money in and don’t be fuckin begrudging because you got played. It’s our job to play youse. What do you think it’s fuckin about? It’s in the terms and conditions. (Laughter) Listen, we couldn’t give a fuck what youse think to be honest. Go buy some book by Shane Ross or a Newstalk head and read the fuckin outrage out of yourself and go back to fuckin sleep. Jesus fuckin Hell like. It's not like you'll even give a shite like come the end of the summer.
That's it. That's all we have to say to you. You wanted honesty and that's it in simple speak like. 

So, you got that? Have you got that like?

Excellent.

Cheers.

OK.

See ya.

Bye.

(Hangs up)