The LOL Equation MK 2

I’m a bit uninspired today. I can’t think of what to write. Mmm, let’s see, what do I have for you. Eh, I bought some cheap biscuits in Lidl earlier. Not bad tasting. Um, and, oh yeah, ever notice how Lidl is always empty until you get to the check-out and there’s a huge queue? Yeah, mad isn’t it? Um, let’s see, what else. Mmmm, . . .dee da dum, ta dee dee dah. . . Oh yeah, I’m a bit worried they’re going to increase the management fees here. Yeah. That’d be a bit, um, crap. . .

OK, look, this obviously isn’t working out and I’ve other things to be doing. No really I do. I swear. I need a bath for a start. I think I’ll hand you over to my computerised blog post generator. I’ve fixed it up so there shouldn’t be a repeat of THE LAST MISHAP.

Right, I’m turning it on now. It’s humming. It’s coming to life. Fingers crossed. Here goes. Enjoy. . .

TITLE: RANDOM THOUGHTS...

MAIN BODY OF TEXT: Hello again Readers.

Needless to say, I like gardening so my favourite website is politics.ie because there are lots of vegetables on it. LOL!

Also needless to say is that films are rubbish these days so they should change the name of the cinema to the binema. That’s BINema, as in ‘rubbish bin(ema)’. LOL! Did you get it? Did you LOL? You should LOL! LOL Now! LOL! LOL! I command you, LOL!

I see the Arts Council have awarded Cathal O'Searcaigh some money for a new van (pictured above). ‘It’s not much but it suits my needs’, said the celebrated bursary hunter yesterday. Needless to say, the insinuation here is that O’Searcaigh is a predatory paedophile. That is LOL! LOL Now! LOL! You will LOL! All Hail LOL! YOU MUST AND WILL LOL! PRAISE LOL FOR I AM THE LORD OF LOL AND YOU WILL DO MY BIDDING! LOL! LOL! LMFAO! OMFG! NEEDLESSTOSAY! LOL! ROFL! PAED0101110100101001PHILE^PWNED+ I-AM-THE-LOL-THY-GOD{LMFAO ~ RATFLMFAO^BFF < LAWL ‰~ OMG¬ E=MC²101000101000100010101001110101001. . . BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Ah, Jesus. What’s happened now? I go away for two minutes and you break it again. What did you do to it? You’re too demanding. Christ, do you know how long it took me to set up? Now, let’s see. Good Lord, what was it saying to you? This is worse than the last time. Look, just go away. Give me a bit and I’ll see what I can do. Really though, it’s not looking good is it? It looks like I’m stuck with providing these twice weekly brain farts myself. Sod it, maybe I should just give this machine to Twenty Major. He could probably make some use of it.

IT’S A MAGIC VAN AND WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN!

Would a non-violent take over of this country bother you? Sure what’s a country anyway but a bit of ground we walk around on? It’d still be there no matter who owns it.

Would it matter if the invaders took everything - assets, services, profits? You wouldn’t have any say but would it really matter because when did you ever have a say?

You would still get to vote for leaders and, although they wouldn’t be making any actual decisions, the real decision makers would let them appear by their sides in photo opportunities and give the impression that they hold some kind of influence, which they wouldn’t but who cares?

Twice a decade we’d have little vote pageants where the candidates dress up and have arguments about things like litter and so on. We’d vote for them for vague reasons like ‘well, he seems the most assured’ and ‘I like the way he maintains eye contact’. We could enjoy similarly insightful media punditry and colourful poll graphics on children’s programmes like The Eleventh Hour. It’d be fun. We’d get to let off a bit of steam. It’d be like those festivals we observe. The ones that are based on ancient pagan rituals we’ve all forgotten the purpose of but still celebrate anyway.

Wouldn’t that be good enough for you? I mean, when you think about it, you’d be liberated of responsibility. Responsibility is an awful pain in the hole. Do you remember the happy days of your childhood when you had no responsibilities? Summer went on forever. Do you remember? Everything was left up to Mammy and Daddy and when anything grown up was happening they closed the door and spoke about it in hushed tones while you sat happily in front of the telly in the other room. It’d be like that.

‘Now, little Jimmy, your Daddy has made a wee mistake and we’re going to have to live in a van for a while but don’t worry because it’s a magic van and we’re going to have a lot of fun.’

Having the impression of something is as good as having the actual thing itself. It’s called pretending and it’s great. You knew that when you were little and you are about to discover it again. Sure, what does it matter if your country gets taken over/you end up living in a van? You can still be happy. It all depends on how you approach it. OK, got that? Good. Now shut up and go to bed. Your Mammy and Daddy have things to talk about.