MULTI-PLATFORM FUGGER

I'm thinking of repackaging myself as a multi-platform event. I'll no longer be just a man and a blog but an app and a Twitter account and a movie and a book and a glossy magazine and a comic and a podcast and a live stream and a first person shoot 'em up and a cake recipe and a meteorological condition and a provocative undergarment and a political ideology and an intimate compliant and a comedy routine and a wrestler's finishing move and a brand of dog food and a car hire firm and a place to store hazardous waste and a new hairstyle and a song in the pop charts and a dance move and a witty slogan and a new wave in fashion and so on and so on.

I want all these new strands of me launched at exactly the same time on the same day to much fanfare. I want to be the thing everyone thinks about, simultaneously, for at least an instant before they decide they don't really like me and come to hate me and set about starting a backlash. But starting a backlash will be no use because, as well as a man and a blog and an app and a Twitter account and a movie and a book and a glossy magazine and a comic and a podcast and a live stream and a first person shoot 'em up and a cake recipe and a meteorological condition and a provocative undergarment and a political ideology and an intimate compliant and a comedy routine and a wrestler's finishing move and a brand of dog food and a car hire firm and a place to store hazardous waste and a new hairstyle and a song in the pop charts and a dance move and a witty slogan and a new wave in fashion and so on and so on, I will also be my own backlash.

There will be no escape. Every route will be closed off and the world will be trapped in a hellish circuit with me as the starting point and me as the finish and me as all points between and even if I am dead I will go on, branded into your culture and onto your brains, permanently burnt into your retinas, forever at the tip of your tongues. I will be the source of every 'like' and every 'dislike' given. The parts of the world that do not concern me will creep by in the background and when anyone tries to discuss them others will change the topic to me. Me! Fugger! The blog, the man, the event, the range of action figures, the clothes line, the schism, the healing of that schism, the religion, the atheism. It'll be Fugger this. It'll be Fugger that. Fugger will be the source of all confusion and the source of all clarity. Fugger will be first word that babies utter and Fugger will be the solitary word on all your tombstones. Face it, when I am repackaged as a multi-platform event you will all be truly Fugged.

And so it will go, on and on and on until something else comes along and gets hashtagged instead and lays me finally to rest. R.I.P. Fugger, Multi Platform Event. We'd miss you if we could remember you but I'm afraid that we can't. So much happens now and it happens so fast. No one's got time to recall the past. Like what came before Fugger, ...what the Hell was that? It was probably the Crazy Frog or some kind of crap. No one can be expected to remember that far back.

THE MAKING OF THE MAKING OF

I recently watched a film and after it was finished I watched another film about the making of the film and then I watched a third film about the making of the making of the film and then I watched a fourth film about the making of the making of the making of the film and then I watched a fifth film about the making of the making of the making of the making of the film then I watched a sixth film about the making of the making of the making of the making of the making of the film and then I watched a seventh film about... well, I'm sure you get the gist of it by now. I kept on watching 'the making of the making of' films for days and days and days until finally I realised that this endless daisy chain of 'the making of the making of' films was the nation's largest and only employer and that the entire population worked as part of a film crew following a film crew following a film crew following a film crew and on and on until finally I realised that I too was holding a camera and was at the end of this endless iteration with my lens pointed at the screen filming me watching me filming me watching me and so on and so on and everything kind of dissolved into that infinity you see when you attach a camera to a monitor and then point the camera into the monitor and see an endless corridor of monitors within monitors within monitors and I was running in that endless monitor corridor chasing myself and being chased by another myself who was also being chased by an endless procession of myselves and I was the last living person on Earth and so were you and so is everyone else and we're all so very tired and we're all so very hungry because no one thought to hire a catering department and even if they did there'd be no one to work for it because we're all busy making films about other films that are about the making of films that are about the making of other films that end up with us in the films making films about us watching the films that are about us watching the films about us watching the films ourselves and watching ourselves watching the films that are about us watching the films ourselves and watching and chasing ourselves and being chased by ourselves and watching the making of the chasing ourselves being chased by ourselves being chased by ourselves chasing the chasers and being chased by chasers chasing ourselves and so on and so on and so on and I'm sure you get the gist of it after all that so can I go now?