50 SHADES OF FUGGER

As regular visitors to this blog know, Fugger is just an everyday girl that likes to do typical girl stuff. For example, these days I can be found reading the popular erotic novel for children 50 Shades of Grey in front of everybody on the bus. All the girls are reading 50 Shades of Grey on the bus. I haven't seen them do it but I know they are because I read they are in a newspaper that I found on the bus.

Anyhoo, it's a great book about a powerful yet vulnerable man and the ass he loves to spank. It's such a good read it has inspired me to write my own erotic novel for children. I don't want my novel to be a rip-off though so I'm adding an Irish flavour to the spanking. My novel is called The Bata and it is about a powerful yet vulnerable schoolteacher and the ass he loves to spank. Would you like to read an extract? I bet you would. Ask me if you can. Go on, ask. Sound like you mean it. Make it sound like you mean it. I want to hear the words come out of your filthy mouth. OK, I'm convinced. You can stop asking. That'll do. It's getting weird now. Seriously, cut it out. Stopped? Good. Right, here, for your pleasure, is an extract from The Bata:

I had been fierce bold and knew Mr. Muldoon would give me a fair few licks of the bata. Oh how I feared yet longed for the bata. 'Hitch up that skirt there now you and we'll see what happens to girls who don't study their catechism', said Mr. Muldoon as he studied my hole with hugry angry eyes. I could tell that there was a frightened child behind those eyes, a child who had taken a few licks of the bata himself in his time. I was looking over my shoulder at him and before biting my lower lip in anxious delight I said, 'I'm a dirty little shite of a girl all the same amn't I Mr. Muldoon?' Oh he went mad at that. The foul language out of me would earn me another six strokes at least. I readied myself but didn't the bells for The Angelus go off and we had to call a halt to everything until we'd recited our devotions. Some might say I was saved by the bell but I wouldn't be amongst them. I relished the knowledge that the bata would be alighting my arse as soon as we'd said a few more Hail Marys and from the lump in Mr. Muldoon's trousers I could tell he felt the same way. Unless that was just the blackboard duster he often kept in his pocket.

Well, what do you think. Did you like it? Did you start pleasuring yourself as you read it? I bet you did. There's no shame in it. I was pleasuring myself as I wrote it. Just remember not to go pleasuring yourself as you read it on the bus. I did that with 50 Shades of Grey and ended up in court having to put €300 in the poor box. Now I'm 50 Shades of broke.

SPEED OF LIGHT, LOAD OF SHITE

They say you can’t exceed the speed of light but that’s a load of shite. I’ve designed a bus that can do it. They say that if you were to exceed the speed of light you'd arrive at your destination before you even set off. Well, that’s what my bus can do.

‘How can this be Mr. Fugger?’ I hear you cry out in disbelief. Let me explain. Let’s imagine you want to get to Coleraine from Cobh and you need to be there now. Well, my bus can be in both places at the same time, like an electron or something. You see, my bus is so very very long that, when parked, the back of it could be in Cobh while the front of it is in Coleraine. My bus is so fast it arrives at its destination before you even start the engine. In fact, there’s no need to start the engine. Once you hop on at Cobh you’re there in Coleraine. All you have to do is get to the front of the bus from the back. That part might take a while. You might have to get off again and get another bus or bring a motorbike onboard and drive it up the aisle. Still, you have to admit, quickest bus in the world. Quicker than a neutrino even.

I’ve patented the details and Bus Éireann has expressed interest.