PUNCHED IN THE FACE IN 3D

I'm going to make a summer blockbuster that captures the true essence of science fiction. We all know that science fiction is fundamentally about futuristic gadgets and punching people in the face and my blockbuster will have loads of those things. It'll have all your favourite heroes in it too, punching people in the face. It'll start with America being attacked and explosions with people on fire, being crushed and running and screaming and it will be exciting and awful all at once. Then it will cut to Captain Kirk punching a baddy in the face, over and over, in the face, punching him. Don't get me wrong, Captain Kirk won't want to punch the baddy in the face but these will be difficult times and difficult decisions will have to be made so Captain Kirk will punch the baddy in the face, over and over, and he'll enjoy doing it and the audience will enjoy watching it and they will chant 'punch him in the face, punch him in the face' and Captain Kirk will punch the baddy in the face, over and over, because this is analogous to the world we live in today and sometimes, for the greater good, baddies must be punched in the face, over and over, and we must suffer the misfortune of enjoying it. Then Spock will come along and make a suggestion to Captain Kirk. Spock will suggest that they put a photon grenade (a futuristic gadget – this is science fiction after all) down the baddy's pants and blow up the baddy's cock and the audience will gasp because that's really gritty and analogous. Then Uhura will come along and caress Spock and nurture him because he's a man and men must make difficult decisions in difficult times and she's his woman and she's wearing a kind of skintight thing to help with the nurturing and then she punches the baddy in the face too because she is emancipated and a 'bad ass' chick and awwwweeeeeesome. Then Superman comes along and wants to help America as well so he'll pick up the baddy and punch him in the face like Jesus wouldn't but he's still a metaphor for Jesus because Jesus had powers and loved America and probably would've punched baddies in the face in difficult times and was only wrong once – when he lost it with the money changers but we won't mention that and anyway heroes should be a bit flawed and dark and moody. Then Scotty will strip a load of Arabs, I mean Klingons, and place them in a degrading human pyramid and blow them up and shake his head and ask 'why'. Then the Enterprise will head out on a voyage of discovery but don't worry, we'll keep that off-screen and in the next story we'll see them return to America where it is being being beautifully attacked/destroyed in a genocidal/architectural sadomasochistic orgy that can only be stopped by repeated punches to the face for those that cause it. And kids will watch and kids will learn that the Universe is full of perhaps some wonder and maybe a bit of discovery but mainly threat, threat that justifies copious head punching, and everyone will think it is awwwweeeeeesome and everyone will eat massive boxes of popcorn and everyone will shout out the words: 'Fuck You Bradley Manning!' going forward because these are difficult times and we've no option but to make movies about people being punched in the face in 3D. There Is No Alternative!

HABEAS CORPSE

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder was right to point out that the constitution of the United States of America doesn't guarantee citizens 'judicial' process. No, it guarantees them 'due' process. Now, are you going to claim that Ibragim Todashev didn't get what he was 'due'? Were you there? He was going to attack those FBI guys with a knife or maybe a leg of a chair or a table or was it that he had snakes and threw them at them? It's hard to tell. I'd say it was all a blur with cutlery and furniture and wildlife flying all over the place. One thing is for certain, there was a man, he had a mechanical arm, it may have been Aaron Swartz or Bradley Manning or Julian Assange. He unscrewed his hand and snakes came out and they each had a knife in their mouth and were coiled around table legs or maybe chair legs. A bitter siege ensued. Bullets were flying everywhere. The full ensemble of the Frankfurt Orchestra (circa 1937) appeared and started performing an extraordinary rendition of O Fortuna. It was very disorientating. Hank had a toothache. Cody put his pants on back to front. The dog got shot. Earl loved that dog. The Council of American-Islamic Relations showed up. They formed a human pyramid. I could've sworn somebody cut the cheese. There were broads there. Seriously hot broads. Skip said they were the hottest broads he'd ever seen. Marky got with Sharon and Sharon got Cherese. She was sharing Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease. Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist. They were all in love with dyin'. They were doing it in Texas. Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain. Then he lost his leg in Dallas. He was dancing with a train. They were all in love with dyin'. They were drinking from a fountain that was pouring like an avalanche, coming down the mountain.

So, as I'm sure you can appreciate, difficult decisions had to be made. We had no choice but to get a bit extra-judicial. Support our troops and forget the habeas - just give us the corpse.