FAIR POINT, WELL MADE

I was just reading on politics.ie there about how babies contribute nothing to the exchequer. A new poster called ClongowesForever (a succinct and articulate addition to the gang) pointed out how babies expect everything to be done for them and how they are ‘worse than the Nigerians’. Fair point, I thought, well made. Regular P.ie contributor, ErinGoBragh, chimed in saying that if babies didn’t look like ‘cute little dolls’ and looked like ‘fat middle-aged fellas’ then mothers wouldn’t be so quick to indulge their carry on and probably throw them down wells or sign up to the probort lobby. He added that babies are worse than Travellers and then ClongowesForever said that was a fair point and well made but added that at least Travellers are from this country unlike Nigerians. ClongowesForever got a few ‘likes’ for that post even though the mods cautioned him to stay on topic.

Don’tTreadOnMe took part in the discussion too saying how babies make no attempt to integrate into our culture and how they even refuse to speak the language. I thought that was a fair point and well made so I posted ‘QFT’ in response.

GasAllWelfareScroungers was online at the time too, at 25276574649737 posts he rarely misses a discussion. He made a fair point well when he posted that babies are nothing more than miniature drunks because they speak garbled rubbish, can’t walk straight or even stand up most of the time, and inevitably piss and puke themselves. Then Don’tTreadOnMe pointed out that babies are actually worse than normal drunks because it only takes a few hours for a normal drunk to sober up whereas it takes babies years. In response, I suggested that babies be rounded up by the state and forced into education camps until they get their act together and become useful members of society. I was a bit surprised when the other posters rounded on me for this suggestion. ‘And who the hell is supposed to pay for these education camps, more bloody taxes is it?’ asked one. I said that the camps could be privately run by Michael O’Leary or someone that knows what he’s doing but it was too late. The others branded me a ‘libtard’ and ostracised me from the rest of the discussion. Well, LabourLad did come to my defence in fairness but that idiot siding with you only makes you look worse so I told him to ‘fuck off’. He reported me and I was suspended from the site for two days. Not sure what I’ll do to pass the time now. I could go outside I suppose but I’ve read that the streets are crawling with Nigerians, Travellers, and babies. Even scarier is the thought that some of the Nigerians and Travellers are actually babies. Imagine the burden on the taxpayer a baby Nigerian or baby Traveller is. Cripes, the parasitic potential doesn’t bear thinking about.

Maybe I’ll sign up to Godlike Productions in the meantime, just to tide me over. They are a bit mad there but you do occasionally find the odd fair point well made.     

ARMS TRADING

(pictured above: Fugger Lump Hammers celebrity endorsement, 'If A Job’s Worth Doing. . .')

I’ve recently gotten involved in the arms trade. Let’s face it, people are always going to fight and if I don’t sell them weapons someone else will so it may as well be me. Now I realise I can’t compete with the like of BAE Systems or anything so I’m not exactly selling self-propelled artillery to developing nations or any of that. No. I’m much more small scale. I sell things like knuckle dusters and slash hooks to warring Traveller clans.

I don’t feel bad about it. If the warring parties didn’t use my weapons they’d just be bashing each other’s heads in with rocks or something. At least this way someone (i.e. me) gets to profit and jobs are created and, in these difficult times, that’s good for the economy as a whole.

There were journos complaining about me in the local papers though. They were going on about some kid who got shot full of pellets as she crossed a halting site and lost an eye and blah blah blah. They traced the pellets back to my company and started filling their pages with fuzzy pictures of me looking sinister, getting in and out of cars and going to the shops with my hood up.

I realised I had to put a stop to all this bad press so a subsidiary company I own (one that sells lump hammers) bought a significant amount of advertising space in their rags. They don’t like to bite the hand that feeds, the old hacks. Then I sent out a press release saying I’d donated some money to a traveller resource centre. In truth, none of the resource centres would take my money so I had to set up my own. No one used my resource centre and it didn’t even strictly exist but it’s the thought that counts. Anyway, next thing I knew, the papers were portraying me as a ‘philanthropic lump hammer entrepreneur’ and said my resource centre would ‘herald a new spring for the Traveller community’. They didn’t even mention the weapons side of the business. Nice one.

The Internet is a bit harder to control though. Bloody activists were all over it calling me a hypocrite because I make donations with one hand whilst profiting from misery with the other. Well, I hired a PR company to flood the forums with the following counter-argument: These people are going to kill each other anyway and at least some of the profits made from arming them goes toward their resource centre. When people argued back, the PR people pulled a masterstroke. They started referring to those who opposed the arms sales as ‘anti-resource centre’. I thought that was bloody genius. That PR company was money well spent.

Do you need anything yourself? How about a lump hammer? They get the job done. They’re duel purpose actually.

I LOVE THE BLACKS!

I love the blacks. I’ve no problem with them and am not a racist in any way. I really love the blacks and it’s no trouble at all. There is no need to thank me or anything. The blacks are a great shower and I never miss an opportunity to remind them of that. Take the other day, I was going to Aldi and saw a family of the blacks passing me on the opposite side of the road. ‘G’wan the blacks!’ I roared over at them and gave them a double thumbs-up. They looked a bit puzzled to be honest and that just goes to show how rarely they are offered a kind word. Things are so bad the poor blacks are actually confused by friendliness.

I’ve always liked the blacks even before loads of them came over here. I really enjoyed it when Phil Collins teamed up with that black to sing Easy Lover. Do you remember Easy Lover? That was great. A black has moved in next to me and I always sing him a few bars of Easy Lover when I meet him in the corridor. He smiles politely and nods before rushing off to work, which is a sign he enjoys it. Smiling is the international language for enjoyment, unless it’s a gypsy or a traveller that is smiling. If a gypsy or traveller is smiling it’s the international language for ‘I am going to lull you into a false sense of security before I steal your wallet’. But that’s beside the point. Where were we? Oh yes,

She's an easy lover
She'll take your heart but you won't feel it
She's like no other
And I'm just trying to make you see

I’ve no problem with the blacks and am perfectly relaxed with the whole concept of blackness like I am with the gays. The gays are great and I don’t mind what they get up to at all. They can get married and buy houses and all that. As long as I don’t have to join in, the gays can be as disgusting as they want because that’s grand with me. It’s the same with the blacks. If the blacks want to slaughter goats in the garden for dinner that’s fine with me. As long as it isn’t my garden, they can do whatever they like with their goats and I’m sure Voodoo is a lovely religion. I have to say though, it must have been a bit difficult for Phil Collins when that black he sang Easy Lover with started cutting goat throats down the back of the tour bus. Maybe the black had his own bus. I’m sure they worked something out. Multiculturalism and all that.

I’m big into multiculturalism. That’s why I joined Residents Against Racism. That didn’t work out though. It seems I was too un-racist for them. Imagine that! I was going to the meetings and they were discussing things and occasionally I would just shout out ‘G’wan the Blacks’, just to keep our spirits up. Then, all of a sudden, they asked me to leave and never ‘darken’ their door again. Well now, ‘darken’, there’s a telling choice of words. Exactly how un-racist is Residents Against Racism? The lady doth protest too much, me thinks.

Anyway, seeing as R.A.R. didn’t want me, I decided to spend my Wednesday evenings with the local neighbourhood watch. We spent much of the time discussing the suspicious gypsy woman who sells Big Issue magazine outside the local Spar. ‘Gypsies are worse than homosexuals, they should all be air-lifted to a barren island’, said one of the Neighbourhood Watchers. Well, I was all set to defend the gays when I realised the man who made the offending remark was a black. I kept my mouth shut as I didn’t want to appear prejudiced.

To be honest, I sometimes find all this multiculturalism a bit confusing. What does one do in a situation such as the neighbourhood watch one I’ve just described? There should be a brochure on this or something. A government brochure with a league table of bigotry, one that tells you who it is more wrong to discriminate against and if two minorities fall out, which one you should side with. That would clear things up no end. Otherwise, we’ll just have to accept individuals at face value regardless of ethnicity or sexual preference and that would mean relying on our own discretion and that would very time consuming. I haven’t got time for that. I’ve work to do. There’s telly to be watched.

So, for the time being, I’ve made up my own league table. On my league table, the number one wrongest people to discriminate against are the blacks that are gay. They must get a terrible time. Near the bottom of the table are gypsies, because everyone hates them, and below them are travellers because, well, hating them is a tradition. Travellers cause awful trouble and Tommy Tiernan makes jokes about them being unhygienic so it must be OK to discriminate against travellers.

Anyway, that’s me sorted out multicultural wise for a while, until some official publication comes out or something. No flies on me eh? Unlike the travellers that is (ROFL! Nice one Tommy). ‘Gwan, the the Gay Blacks!’