CRAZY PEGGY

I worked real hard and Master rewarded me with shiny new manacles. They was so beautiful. I paraded them around the plantation and everyones wished they was me. Everyones except Crazy Peggy. Peggy didn't give a damn. She didn't work hard. Never. 'Why's should I works myself near dead for another's profit', she'd protest, unable to see the bounty she'd be awarded if only she'd apply herself to her duties. She never had nice manacles. We used sneer at her rusting chains. She didn't seem to care though. She was a strange one for sure, always sat there daydreaming in her dirty shackles. No self-respect that crazy girl. She let things get so bad those manacles clear rusted right off her. Middle of one night we awakes and she's gone. We wondered where the girl could have got to. We looked out and saw the faraway confusion of stars. We heard the night wind, hissing through the trees. It was just wild out there. What could a body do but keep running through all that? How could a body fill its days without the reassurance and structure of cotton picking? What of a body's hopes? What of a body's dream to one day wear the shiniest manacles on the plantation? But Peggy never gave a damn for any of that. She just sat and stared and pondered something we'd never understand. Something crazy. Master was right about her. He said she was nothing but an animal. Well, she's out there with the wild animals now. That's what comes of not working hard and partaking of tasks. Your mind wanders and sooner or later so do you. Chances are you never come back. You is lost. Lost forever. Hell, I ain't never going to wind up like that. Master says if'n I keeps working likes I do he just might find me in such favour as to take me with him on one of his trips to Dundrum Shopping Centre. Says he'll buy me the longest roll of gingham you ever did see and manacles so shiny I'll be able to look upon them and regard my joy reflected.

TIME TO GROW UP!

Ancient Greece is considered the founding bedrock of modern civilisation but was it really all that great? They didn’t even know about chance. The Greeks thought everything happened because individuals made it so or some god made it so. Pure luck didn’t even occur to them. What a bunch of thicks. They even had slavery. What kind of society is that for us to be taking a cue from? The Greeks were so thick they didn’t even believe in brains. They thought that emotions and all that originated in the liver. The liver!!! Fuckin hell. All they had to do was sit around in their togas all day pontificating and that was the best they could come up with.

We are better than the Ancient Greeks. Look at this way: we can go down the shops and buy a ready mix cake that cooks and is good to eat in about three minutes. Did they have that in Ancient Greece? No. They had to spend ages watching their slaves making the dinner. Maybe it was the hunger that made their minds weak and led to all their crap ideas.

Speaking of crap ideas, what about Plato? He said the world should be ruled by a bunch of philosophers on a vow of poverty. The vow would prevent them being corrupted as they made all the decisions. They’d learn to be philosophers at some fancy school. But who would choose and train the first lot of these incorruptible philosophers? I presume the answer would be a bunch of corruptible philosophers. It’s like expecting a wolf to rear a lamb. It’s paradoxical. It’s a paradox. A paradoxical load of shite dreamt up by a dress wearing nonce!

It’s utterly beyond me why people keep quoting Greek philosophers. I mean, haven’t we moved on? Haven’t we grown up as a species? Quoting the maxims of Ancient Greece is a bit like quoting yourself when you were a baby. ‘Well, as I said when I was a baby, goo goo gah gah goo goo.’ What a load of shit!

I’ll wrap up this post with a another baby related analogy: Sticking to the wisdom of Ancient Greece is like continuing to eat a steady diet of Liga biscuits and then crapping them all out in your pants. It just won’t do anymore. It’s time to learn to cook. It’s time we all went down the shops and bought a pack of ready mix. It’s time to grow up people!